72 – The Real Darkest Universe
in which the Darkest Universe is achieved, the Festival of Steam is recapped, preparations are made for the Water Festival, the Festival of Earth, and the Nudity Festival, Hell turns people in usable fuel, the Division of Erotic Experiences improves their desire-enhancers, and Zine Xeans Machine has “won” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.
What you are about to hear is the gentle whispering of the organisms living in the dimension just between ours and the next.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. How can we help you to Do Evil Better, shareholders? Of course, that question might seem somewhat unnecessary now that we are 100% for certain living in, you guessed it, the Darkest Universe. Yes, the Darkest Motherfucking Universe. Our tests have shown that we’ve far surpassed the Evil in previous years, and there is no chance that any Universe out there, nor any Kakos Industries in any of those Universes, has brought about anything more Evil. Shareholders, thank you for keeping Evil in your thoughts and for coming down the the celebration of Dark Friday. We held hands. We wished for Evil. We hummed and moaned and screamed and shrieked. And then something began to flow between us. A darkness. An Evil certainty. And then we all became very aroused. Or maybe that was just me. I passed out, and I think many of you did as well. And when we woke up, the room was on fire, and many of us had disappeared, leaving only behind pools of blood where they had once been. I do not know what happened in that time gap, but I am told it was at least seven minutes. Anything can happen in seven minutes. Our measurements of global chaos have been slowly increasing as well. Truth and meaning have become much less popular. In their place, base survival instincts have been taking over. Humanity has been handed the tools of its own suffering, and it’s using them at a previously unimaginable rate. And all of our other tests regarding boxes of hypothetical kittens, well, people have been harming the helpless with glee. Today, I got a knowing nod from Grace Rule and a fist bump. My hand still burns from whatever caustic substance covers her body, but it was totally worth it. Shareholders, I would just like to say that you’re welcome. You’ve backed the right horse. We finally did it. Now you can be free in the world to enact your darkest Evils. With the usual limitations. Speaking of limitations, this brings me to some limitations we have here at Kakos Industries that we’ve decided to relax. You see, we used to try to communicate with other Universes, but we had some bad experiences and decided it was better not to contact them. But now we’ve got something truly special to brag about, so we’re lifting the restrictions and we’re getting ready for some kick-ass bragging. Soundman Steven has my microphone hooked up to what I am told is an interdimensional broadcasting antenna. Soundman Steven is shrugging. It’s what they said, Soundman. We don’t need to understand it. Now, shareholders, are you ready for me to send this message to all other versions of me out there, letting them know just how badly they fucked up? I know I am. Here goes: ‘Greetings, Corin from another dimension. I bet you had fun at your little Darkest Universe celebration, but you need to know that you have failed, you fool. For I have brought about the Darkest Universe right here in my Universe! There are none darker, Corin. There are none more Evil. Just today I saw a 700% increase in eyepatches and robotic limbs among the employees, and not just because they look cool. Our Universe is so Evil that it’s threatening to swallow itself up, Corin. You wouldn’t understand, because you’re just too good. You should be so lucky as to suckle at the teat of my superior Evil, you weak and pathetic fool. Much Love, Corin Deeth III, Universe…’ Um… does our Universe have a designation, Soundman? Not yet? Then I’m naming it “The Darkest Universe.” ‘I don’t know how you’ll live with your failure, other Corin.’ Let’s see how they respond to that.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from the sounds of a lonely busker in the distance. Maybe you live on a busy street corner in a big city and you’re used to being lulled to sleep by the noise of angry drivers, garbage trucks, and the occasional busker. Or maybe you’re in the most remote and rural region of the planet, used to falling asleep to the sounds of nature doing its thing. But regardless of where you live or where you are now, off in the distance you can hear a soloist on the street playing a rendition of something familiar. But then, when you analyze the tune too closely, you hear these announcements. The documentation they’ve given me for this radio is a bit complicated. There’s a lot of drawings of what appear to be radio towers and triangles, and the phrase “Sacred Geometry” underlined a number of times, and a little bit of what I’m going to assume is sheep’s blood on the corner of the page. Shareholders, sometimes we get lucky. We go to try something, and then we get lucky. And then we don’t know exactly what we did, but that we definitely did it. Then comes the ad hoc explanation time. And our scientists are known for being a little prone to some bizarre ideas. I understand, you know. We want there to be something special, something magical. But there just isn’t. I’m sorry. Band aid ripped off. Darkest Universe. If you’re not a shareholder, then you have probably already succumbed to the Darkest Universe in one way or another. The roving gangs of death worshippers, the roving gangs of verysmart know it alls who know nothing, or the roving gangs that are actually just fire. But in case you haven’t, then you will discover that you have a great urge to join a gang that is actually just fire. Again, not sure how we’re making you do that because this diagram makes no sense to me.
We also recently had the Festival of Steam. I am told that only 16 of you left with life-threatening burns. That is a safety miracle, honestly, after what I saw going on there. We held this festival in the Upper Level Ballroom. We don’t use that one much because it can be a real pain to get to from inside of the building. To give you an example, the directions to get there are more complicated than the explanation of the radio I just summarized for you. The upside is that the Upper Level Ballroom is the only space in Kakos Industries with a nearby zeppelin dock. I sat down with the Division of Dionysia to discuss the plans for this festival when one of their employees came in late. He was dressed in 1800’s clothing, but with what appeared to be clockwork gears attached to a number of contraptions from around his body. When he got to the table, he dropped everything he was carrying, including a number of blueprints, maps of spice trade, a number of teacups and cookies, and a book of necessary historical revisions that make steampunk okay. Where does the empire’s wealth come from? No one knows, but it’s certainly not exploiting the colonies and setting them up for years of economic distress. Another band-aid there, guys. Darkest Universe, and all. At any rate, far more of you arrived by zeppelin than I would have ever imagined. The Upper Floor Ballroom does have a number of steam lines that we were able to hook up a variety of old products from our archives and a number of your homemade projects. We had steam powered milk frothers, garment steamers, servant discipliners, and an astonishing array of automatons. One of you brought a nearly-sentient clockwork robot. I got a chance to look inside of its head and saw what must have been trillions of tiny little gears turning and shifting. Until I sneezed into the brain. Something must have gummed up the works. He’ll be back to normal soon. I have faith. It was dusty in there. Not my fault. We don’t use that ballroom much.
Now that we’ve gone through the festival recaps, I think it’s time to listen to our inter-dimensional answering machine and see what the other universes had to say. Press play, Soundman.
“ ‘Greetings, Corin from another dimension. I bet you had fun at your little Darkest Universe celebration, but you need to know that you have failed, you fool. For I have brought about the Darkest Universe right here in my Universe! There are none darker, Corin. There are none more Evil. Just today I saw a 700% increase in eyepatches and robotic limbs among the employees, and not just because they look cool. Our Universe is so Evil that it’s threatening to swallow itself up, Corin. You wouldn’t understand, because you’re just too good. You should be so lucky as to suckle at the teat of my superior Evil, you weak and pathetic fool. Much Love, Corin Deeth III, Universe…’ Um… does our Universe have a designation, Soundman? Not yet? Then I’m naming it ‘The Darkest Universe.’ ‘I don’t know how you’ll live with your failure, other Corin.’ Let’s see how they respond to that.”
No, Soundman, that’s the message I recorded. Did it bounce back? Or is that what they wanted to say to me? I don’t like it. Let’s record another and try again.
Greetings from the REAL Darkest Universe, other Corins. I am Corin Deeth III from THE DARKEST UNIVERSE, okay? We checked. It’s the darkest. We’ve got the best and darkest everything. We’ve got the darkest version of every one of your engineers, scientists, and marketers, and they’re all doing the darkest stuff. The darkest. There’s a lot of dark stuff you can do in the Darkest Universe. Like a lot of Evil things. You’re not the darkest, we are. Sincerely, Darkest Corin Fuck you.
Shareholders, if you’re particularly attentive, you’ll remember that at this time of year we have the Water Festival. And I bet you’re getting ready to poke fun at us for what a failure that civilizations has been for us. Well, I am sorry to disappoint you, shareholders. Kakolantis, our underwater civilization, has apparently succumbed to a strange populist and nationalist streak. While everything looked fine from the surface, there have been some troubling undercurrents. Automation has moved swiftly through their society, and in recent years, measures to help those left behind by the changes in work environments have been rolled back or repealed entirely. To add to that, there have been a number of immigrants coming in from a nearby half-fish-person community. A lot of the locals have seen this as a problem, because, as we all know, those fish people love to fuck. They have a number of important upcoming elections that coincide with the water festival, and we are looking forward to watching the Darkest Universe do its thing. You can’t see this, but I’m rubbing my hands together.
The Festival of Earth is coming up as well. The Division of Magic Mycology has developed a new strain of Fuck-You-Up Mushrooms and we’re all gonna take some.
The Division of Dionysia is also preparing for The Nudity Festival. Kakos Industries Rules and Regulations Volume 10.5 has cancelled the UltraNudity Festival, and no, there’s no Super Duper Nudity Festival or anything like that. We’re going back to the old festival. Show up as yourself, but naked. And I’m told we’re going to be dying all of you fun colors this year. The effects might last a few months, so the fun will last a while. Fun colors!
I have news from Hell, and the Division of Labor. I am told that Meredith Gorgoro’s attempts to harvest usable energy from human waste products has had some unintended consequences. Those consequences have been that the people who were fed the diet of modified Eatin’ Slime have since turned into puddles of hydrocarbons. That is to say that they have turned into usable fuel for us here at Kakos Industries, but at the cost of forced workers. That’s not exactly the trade-off we were looking for. I understand that she is now looking into using steroids to extract more work.
Soundman, do we have any interdimensional messages? I can’t wait to hear the other Corins groveling. We do? Play it.
“Greetings from the REAL Darkest Universe, other Corins. I am Corin Deeth III from THE DARKEST UNIVERSE, okay? We checked. It’s the darkest. We’ve got the best and darkest everything. We’ve got the darkest version of every one of your engineers, scientists, and marketers, and they’re all doing the darkest stuff. The darkest. There’s a lot of dark stuff you can do in the Darkest Universe. Like a lot of Evil things. You’re not the darkest, we are. Sincerely, Darkest Corin Fuck you.”
No, Soundman, that’s my recording again. That’s on the incoming track? This is ridiculous. Let’s broadcast again.
Fuck you, other Corins. You’re just jealous of my ability to bring about the darkest shit yet, and you’re just messing with me because you can’t do any better. Just admit that I’m the darkest Corin in the Darkest Universe, okay? It’s not that hard. You just have to swallow your enormous ego and admit that you’ve been bested. Admit my Kung Fu is better than yours. I’ll wait. Darkest Corin out. Can we add a sound of a dropping microphone? No? Okay never mind.
I visited Jasmine Aashna down at the Division of Erotic Experiences again recently. It seems that she has improved the pill to increase sexual appetite with the feedback I gave her. Now, they have a room with around six interns, two of whom look remarkably like the last couple, who are all casually engaging in sexual acts. They no longer appear to be suffering, but they also don’t really seem to be enjoying themselves much. It’s just… neutral. Like, they’re still doing work for the divisions that they’re interning with while they’re going between sexual partners and sex acts. It’s a step in the right direction, for sure, but this aimless, neutral pursuit of sex… it just feels too normal, you know? It’s just how people do, but more of it. We need them to enjoy it for its own sake. Not just mindlessly fuck all over the place like the rest of humanity.
Bernice Largo, an employee on my support staff who has taken an interest in my sex life, recently examined the Tabithas for evidence of my “presence”. I’m not exactly sure what Bernice’s job description is, but it may very well include some sort of wingmanning from a distance. I do not know exactly what is meant by “evidence of my presence”, but I am offended all the same on behalf of the Tabithas. You will not be surprised to hear that she did not find any evidence of said presence, and the Tabithas were apparently reprimanded or something. Now they’re so mad at me that they refuse to look at me or speak to me. That works out okay because they don’t do any actual work, and as such, I have no reason to need to speak with either of them. Perhaps this is just a new technique. Perhaps they are just playing hard to get. It’s not going to work. It’s… probably not going to work.
Evil is like a handful of sand. At first, you might not know what to do with it, but then it becomes clear that you can use it to thwart your enemies and make a speedy escape. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week, we’re taking credit for American Cheese, American Chinese Food, and Gentrification. If you disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for, then you as a person will soon be gentrified. Gonne be a whole bunch of yuppie-ass microbes moving into that body of yours, and your diet will no longer do. Get ready to drink green smoothies and eat only the most expensive cuts of meat.
Zine Xeans Machine has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a results, Zine’s nemesis’s life will be ruined via a manner of The Wheel of Misery’s choosing. Zine has selected Grace Pegmaguffin to play the role of nemesis. We spun the Wheel of Misery with a 360º backhand and it spun for around ten minutes. It finally arrived at Coleridgian. From this day forward, Ms. Pegmaguffin will be entirely too Coleridgian. My assumption is that she will write something beautiful and extraordinary in her head, become distracted, forget it, and will from then on be haunted by the memory of what could have been. For good measure, Zine Xeans Machine will have a ten percent chance of turning into a Mongolian Raider at some point. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck. An update on the Damnation and Ruination Squad, they seem to all be wearing giant inflatable ball costumes, and have elected to roll through the hallways here, which has caused some problems.
And that brings us to the end of the broadcast, shareholders. Let me hear that sweet groveling, Soundman.
“Fuck you, other Corins. You’re just jealous of my ability to bring about the darkest shit yet, and you’re just messing with me because you can’t do any better. Just admit that I’m the darkest Corin in the Darkest Universe, okay? It’s not that hard. You just have to swallow your enormous ego and admit that you’ve been bested. Admit that my Kung Fu is better than yours. I’ll wait. Darkest Corin out. Can we add a sound of a dropping microphone? No? Okay never mind.”
No, fuck you, other Corin. Fuck you! I’m the darkest! I feel it in my heart! Fuckkk youuu. Fuck fuck fuck you. (breathing). Alright, Soundman, I give up. It seems that these other Corins from other dimensions can’t admit when they’ve been bested. Forget about them. We’ll leave them where they are in the insufficiently Evil realms. It’s fine. Shareholders, the sound of the lonely busker should end soon on its own, ending this transmission. Then the busker will likely pack up their instruments and head home with the day’s tips. No destruction needed. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is literally the best. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and become a patron at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
Special thanks to our esteemed shareholders Iain Croall, Renee Stein, Dan Shumway, and Courtney Campbell. Also thanks to our honored employee Grace Pegafin, who single-handedly saved Kakos Industries from losing natural gas with a well placed paper towel tube and a deodorizer. And thanks to our Division heads Britney Garcia, head of The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn, Patrick Green, head of The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology, Chance Taylor, head of The Division of Extra-Dimensional Spelunking, and Billy Davis, head of the Division of Splashing. The Division of Beanies, Booties, and Construction Projects That Are Probably Too Large for Yarn is currently building a suspension bridge over the unfriendly lake. Tests are expected to begin next week. The Division of Oceanic Micro-Cryptozoology is currently studying the unicorn plankton, the rarest of all unproven plankton. The Division of Extra-Dimensional Spelunking has dived head first into a hole in one of our many basements. No word on what they’ve found yet. The Division of Splashing has nearly perfected a new wave that will capsize boats at a 50% improved rate. Our esteemed shareholders, honored employees, division heads, and other Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits, your own division, or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast have you considered high-fiving yourself?