What you are about to hear hears you.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am the mouth, the heart, the brains, the looks, and two-thirds of the lungs of Kakos Industries. That is to say that I’m CEO. Soundman Steven, up until recently, was the rock hard erection of Kakos Industries. No, Sounman, that’s not objectification. Your talents and personality were metaphorically the rock hard erection of Kakos Industries. No, I realize that your talents and personality haven’t changed. Okay, maybe it was objectifying. A little bit. Recently, we tried using a variety of perfectly recorded samples on the highest quality headphones to try to bring Soundman Steven back to his previous… stature. That was not a success, unfortunately. We’ll keep trying Soundman. He’s indicating that he doesn’t want that. Shareholders, how selfless is Soundman Steven? He doesn’t want us spending so much time and so many resources on returning his erection. But it’s not up to him. And it’s also not really about him. Your erection was a mascot, Soundman. It will be once again. I know it. Speaking of sounds, I am told that seventeen bands have popped up in the last month with the name Hip Tang Banana. None of those bands feature any shareholders. Huh.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a brown cardboard box, explicitly labeled “Do Not Open”. I’m afraid that the sound of today’s broadcast might be muffled just a little bit by the cardboard, but I will also reiterate the labeling on the box. Do not open it. I’m told that three of you opened the box anyway. They will be missed. I’m sorry, I meant to say mist. They will soon be mist that will make anyone who walks into their vapory existence, or breathes them in, sad. I’m told that cleanup crews have been dispatched. This one might take a while. Unless you want to be mist, do not open the box. I cannot tell you what’s inside. This is primarily because the people who made the boxes in the Division of Mystery Boxes are now all themselves mist and they did not leave any notes for me to work from. There’s obviously some sort of radio receiver and speaker system in the box. If you find your curiosity getting the best of you shareholders, rest easily. If I know anything about the Division of Mystery Boxes, whatever you find inside of the box will be thoroughly dissatisfying, and might perhaps seem a little ad hoc after everything is said and done. If you are not a shareholder, you’re mist. Already. Not much in the way of margin of error here this time. Just mist.
Before I get too far into the announcements, shareholders, I should mention that I am joined in the studio today by Helena Concutio, sentient security robot. It’s really only a matter of time before she makes some kind of noise I can’t easily explain away, so I figure I should just tell you that she’s here.
Helena: Hello, shareholders. I am job hunting.
Corin: It seems that, in the security department here, there’s a maximum number of killings you can do before you have to take a mandatory cooling time of a few months. It is a staggering amount of killing, by the way. I think it’s to keep people from just totally losing it.
Helena: I have a Kakos Industries newspaper with job openings.
Corin: I’m pretty sure we don’t post job openings. That’s not how we recruit. And then the job placement procedure is usually much more complicated.
Helena: The Division of Daycare needs new nannies. Do you think I would make a good nanny, Corin?
Corin: No. Not at all. In fact, do not do that.
Helena: I could put all of the little babies to work, Corin. I would make them so productive if I were their nanny.
Corin: That’s not what they’re there for. They’re there to learn social skills and to begin their Evil educations while their parents are at work.
Helena: I could design them cute little onesies to protect them from the dangerous machinery at work. So adorable. How many of them do you think they are comfortable losing?
Helena: Oh. That won’t work then. I’ll keep looking.
Did you enjoy the Celebration of Affirmation, shareholders? If any of you answered “no”, then I have to assume that the entire event was lost on your ungrateful self. You got affirmed, and what did you do in return? You said critical things. You judged other people. You justified your actions with the idea that you were just sharing your honest opinion. Well, no one wanted it. It turns out that we can actually take away a portion of your shares by taking away a portion of your body, so that’s what we did to your smug asses. If you said “yes”, then I affirm you as well. This was a strange celebration for us here at Kakos Industries. We’re used to being critical and picky. This was a departure. While the decorations were sparse, we did have an enormous banner reading “Say Yes to Evil” on it. And we did. And then quite a few of you said yes to fucking all over the floor in the basement ballroom. I’m starting to think we should have a big sex party the night before our festivals so that you shareholders aren’t quite so wound up when you get here. It would probably be best for all of us. Unless no one shows up to the festivals after getting the sex out of their systems. I mean, I affirm your sex lives, shareholders. I do. I affirm them. Also, at the Celebration of Affirmation, poet Fighty Last (he changed his name again) took advantage of the open mic to affirm us with 97 new poems, affirming several members of the crowd.
Coming up, we have The Darkest Universe Festival. Ordinarily, you would get a picture of a person we have in our custody, and I would ask you to think bad things about that person until they die. Well, we had everything in place for this, but the person we kidnapped, Germaine Peabody, didn’t take to captivity too well. He panicked, ate all of the food we left for him, smeared his waste all over the walls, broke his hands pounding on the walls, and died of a heart attack. And that was all within 25 minutes of being locked up. That seems like a bit of an overreaction to me. Perhaps the Darkest Universe is in sight this year. Keep Evil in your thoughts, shareholders.
Helena: Corin, I think I have found another job opportunity.
Corin: Do you have actual expenses, Helena? Do you even need a job?
Helena: I enjoy working.
Corin: What’s the job?
Helena: I want to be a Bo Peep, Corin.
Corin: You mean a shephard.
Helena: But I’m a lady, Corin. I would be a Bo Peep. I want to take care of the Bo Peeple. I will be the best Bo Peep there ever was.
Corin: What do you even know about doing that?
Helena: I will search the databases for information on Bo Peeping. Soon I will know everything. Strange. There is no information.
Corin: Try sheep herding.
Helena: Ah. Now I know everything I need to. I am now prepared to take care of the sheep. I will guide them. I will train them to carry armaments and to detonate when they see enemies. How many do you think they will acceptably lose, Corin?
Corin: Which division?
Helena: The Division of Bo Peeping.
Corin: There is no way that’s what the division is called. I stand corrected. That is the name of an actual division here at Kakos Industries. I think the answer to your question once again, Helena, is none, however.
Helena: Oh. That won’t work then. I’ll keep looking.
In the past, we’ve had the Celebration of Doom at around this time. The new new rulebook, Kakos Industries Rules and Regulations 10.5, recommends that we have the Festival of Steam. The book says, “Take the time to acknowledge the latest and greatest in energy technologies. Bring the shareholders in from their dimly lit hovels to gaze upon the majesty of steam power! Soon enough, this whole planet will be steam powered.” Again, this document could be really old, or perhaps more likely, a joke. At any rate, we still have a lot of steam fixtures here at Kakos Industries. Sort of. It’s… not water vapor in the pipes. It’s a long story. So, prepare yourself for the Festival of Steam. Glue some cogs onto a hat or something.
I am told that Meredith Gorgoro’s experiments in Hell have returned some interesting results. Shareholders with foggy memories will perhaps need a reminder that Meredith Gorgoro is the Physical Fitness Expert in Hell responsible for maximizing the output of the forced laborers. Recently, she figured out how to harness the power of human digestion to move rocks. Now, I am told that she has gone one step further, restricting and revamping the diets of the laborers so that they produce the greatest quantity of methane possible. She has also developed an engine that runs on the gaseous waste of humans, breaking boulders, moving rocks, and reducing air quality in the caverns. While this isn’t using the muscles of the laborers, it is using the product of their efforts. I am told that the new diet is extremely uncomfortable, making sure that Evil is done. Many of the laborers, I am told, would rather work themselves ragged than have to subsist on what I’m told is a variant of Eatin’ Slime. I am also told that one of the societies down there in the caverns recently collapsed and all of the residents had to turn to the labor camp for help. They are all now laborers as well.
Helena: Corin, I’ve found another job.
Corin: Okay, tell us what you’ve found.
Helena: The Division of Priceless Artifacts and Invaluable Objects.
Corin: Working in security? I don’t think you’re supposed to do that while you’re on your cooling period.
Helena: As a curator. I would cure the collection of all its ills.
Corin: That’s not what curator means. Do you not have an accurate dictionary?
Helena: The data I collect is unable to overwrite what my living brain parts believe strongly.
Corin: So you’re telling me that you went your entire natural life thinking that curators cured things?
Helena: This is what they do, Corin. I do not make the rules.
Corin: So tell me what your plan is as curator of the collection of priceless artifacts and invaluable objects?
Helena: I will replace ten percent of the items with booby traps. I will first hollow out those items and place the booby traps inside. I believe ten percent to be a reasonable figure to lose to guarantee the safety of the rest.
Corin: I don’t think they will agree with you on that one. What sort of booby traps are we talking about here?
Helena: High powered explosives.
Corin: I don’t think they would be losing ten percent of the collection if one of those went off.
Helena: They will accept those losses as long as the perpetrator can no longer steal anything.
Corin: There will be nothing left to steal.
Helena: You do not agree that these are acceptable losses in the name of justice?
Corin: No one agrees with that.
Helena: I see. Then I will return to my search.
I visited Jasmine Aashna in the Division of Erotic Experiences this week. She showed me the effects of her work with the pill that dramatically increases sexual appetite. In a room in her lab, two of our interns have been engaged in sexual acts for thirteen days now. Through the one-way-window, I was able to watch. What I saw was horrifying, and disgusting, and deeply saddening. Their bodies mashed together unerotically. They cried. Both interns shouted that they hated every moment of this. But their bodies continued. Jasmine closed the blinds on the room and looked at me expectantly. “It’s Evil,” I said. “I know,” she replied. “I wish they were enjoying it more,” I said. She shot me a confused glance. You see, sex is Evil. We’ve taken it as ours. That means that when people have sex and enjoy sex, we win. When they’re punished for sex, well, that’s the other thing. I shared this concern with Jasmine. She nodded, knowingly. She looked at her crew and ordered them to put the couple on ice. I didn’t ask what that meant. I am curious to see what she comes up with next.
The Tabithas, that is my two secretaries that don’t do any work here at Kakos Industries, insisted on taking me out for a date recently. Their new tactic seems to be that if they are individually not enough for me, then perhaps together they can make something happen. To be clear, I’ve never said that they aren’t enough for me. It’s just that they’re paid to be sexually available for me, and that isn’t a thing I’m into. But they seem really stressed out. Tabitha has started to break out along her chin and Tabitha has developed a slight twitch in her left eye. I don’t know the extent of the pressure that they are under, but I felt pity for them. I have to say that it was an odd evening. They are both beautiful women, Tabitha in a traditional sense, while Tabitha was a bit stranger but equally appealing. They were both dressed in the finest evening wear the Division of Get It Girl had to offer. They took me to Paradise Pasta, an upscale dining establishment here in the building. I opted for the spaghetti al nero di seppia, a dish black with squid ink. The conversation was a bit strained. I could tell that they were both anxious. They laughed at jokes that weren’t funny. Or jokes. They frequently redirected conversation to me and my many successes. They drank a lot. Like, a lot a lot. The restaurant then closed and we had to leave. They were stumbling down the halls. Tabitha threw up in a planter. I decided it would be best if I made sure they got home safely. Fortunately, they’re roommates. I helped Tabitha find her keys and open the door. I was going to take my leave of them then and there, but the two of them pulled me inside. Shareholders, I am well aware that inebriated people cannot consent to sexual activities. I say that because I somehow ended up pinned down on one of their beds under the weight of both of them. I expected to defend myself against their advances, but instead, they started crying. Why weren’t they good enough, why wouldn’t I take them up on their offers, they would forgo a paycheck, etc. etc. Then they fell asleep, and I made my way out. Now, when I come into the office, they wink at me way more than they should, and they’ve both taken to calling me “hot stuff” and “big guy”. So, I think they think we had sex. That’s probably okay.
Helena: Corin, I have found another. I want to be a gardener.
Corin: I’m just going to head you off here. Let me guess. You’re going to get rid of all the bugs by burning down the gardens.
Helena: I will continue my search.
They say that all the goodness of the world can fit inside a thimble. This is thanks largely to our wide variety of vices and compactors here at Kakos Industries. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week, we’re taking credit for itchin’, scratchin’, and melting into a pile of useless goo. Like always, we can’t know for certain that we are responsible for these things, or that we are responsible for them in all cases, but we can know for certain that if you disagree, you will experience all three in rapid succession.
Dr. P Gasmo has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Dr. Gasmo has selected Dan Michael as his target. We spun the wheel of misery using a dirty hand inside of a dirty sock and it spun for what felt like an eternity. Finally, it arrived at “inoffensive”. From this day forward, Dan Michael will be completely inoffensive. Now, you might think that this might be an advantage, rather than a life ruining problem. But let me ask you this question: Would you want to live if you were always inoffensive? If nothing you said could ever get a rise out of anyone? If you could never affect the world through words? We didn’t think so. And this is the new state of being for Dan Michael. For always. For good measure, Dr. P Gasmo will be 30% more offensive at all times. As you can imagine, someone named Dr. Gasmo is probably already quite offensive, so this might take him to the extremes. Congratulations on the win and best of luck. To give you guys an update on how the Damnation and Ruination Squad are dressing these days, I am told that they are wearing only “stripper underwear”. It looks pretty much how it sounds.
Helena: Corin, I want to work at the aquarium.
Corin: Are you even waterproof?
Helena: No. But I want to care for the sea animals.
Corin: They won’t let you hurt any of them. Even if it defends others.
Corin: Here, give me that newspaper.
Helena: I’ve circled the ones I like.
Corin: Let’s see. Monster tamer?
Helena: I could teach them to defend Kakos Industries.
Corin: Puppy socializer?
Helena: They will learn to respect justice.
Corin: So I’m detecting a pattern of caring for things. How about something a little more your speed. Here. There’s an opening in the Division of Machine Learning working with their new robotic pets.
Helena: How many do you think they would be willing to lose?
Corin: Well, probably more than zero.
Helena: I have my mission.
Corin: It says here to send them your resume.
Helena: Do you know how to write a resume, Corin?
Corin: Actually… no. Weird. Wonder why I never thought of that. Try the databases.
Helena: Ah yes. Now I know everything about writing resumes. I will use every emoji known to man. Thank you, Corin.
Corin: Don’t mention it. I mean that. Don’t tell anyone I helped you. I don’t need that grief.
Corin: I’m going to have to look into who has access to those databases. Shit.
And that brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. Put your mystery box outside. I promise, the reveal is never worth the intrigue and suspense. You can let this one go. It’s not that interesting. We’ll pick them up and dispose of them with the employees of the Division of Mystery Boxes. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently chatting with your significant other online. Special guest appearance in this episode by Lindsey Forry. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and become a patron at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
Special thanks to Patreon patrons Ian Kroall, Dan Shumway, Patrick Green, Renee Stein, Courtney Campbell, Fetty Lax, and Brittney Garcia. Our Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That's Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered just looking at dogs?