episodes

69 – More

in which everyone wants more, Soundman stands at 6 o’clock, preparations are made for the pie festival and the MOTHERFUCKING SHAREHOLDERS’ BALL, you order a nice comfy place to live out the apocalypse, and Dazzle Shmizzle “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing.

Transcription:

What you are about to hear has been shown in clinical trials to make mice weirder.

Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we don’t make a lot of the products you buy. We make a lot of the products you buy Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO. Last time we paid our respects to something that we lost, the loss of which will be felt deeply for a long time. We have been unable to get Soundman Steven stiff again, but he assures us that that’s okay. Despite his most optimistic words, we had to remind him that it’s not actually up to him, but we’ll find a compromise somewhere. Things have been returning to normal around the building. Mourners have decided that even though Soundman Steven’s erection has left us possibly forever, we still have Soundman Steven himself, which is “a pretty good consolation prize”. I, for one, am happy that Soundman Steven is still with us. And hopefully, I will never have to fire a weapon at him ever again. At least not more than three times in the future. More than three times and I would find the situation intolerable. Unless he’s already dead. Then I could probably fire a weapon at his corpse seven to ten times. But no more. Out of respect.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you via a mysterious attachment in an unsolicited email that you almost certainly should not have opened. I mean, what, is this your first day on the Internet? If it is your first day on the Internet, then welcome. There’s so much porn you might develop a crippling dependency. And you may see things that at the time seem reasonable, but months later you’ll wonder how you ever came across such a horror. I am told that the subject of this email was XXX BIG TITTIES GROW YOUR DICK I’M A PRINCE FROM MADAGASCAR HAVE SOME MONEY AND SEX WITH YOUR BIG MONEY DICK XXYX OXYCONTIN, which should have been an enormous red flag. The title of the executable file or the app or the source code (depending on your operating system) was titled “Get shit better grow your money”. I am experiencing a second-hand panic that you would even open the email, and yet you downloaded and ran the attachment. But that’s how you’re hearing me. Of course, you never really had a choice in this situation. We implanted a subliminal message that you should open the attachment. At first, the subliminal message was supposed to contain the entire broadcast, but apparently we can only do that so many times before your brains become jelly, so we opted for a hybrid approach. We don’t want your brains to become jelly because then you would be useless, even though I am told that that jelly is delicious on toast. This piece of malware has slowly taken over your entire computer. No, we’re not after your cryptocurrencies, though we will be making a note of your addresses to monitor all of you illegal spending in the future. Nor are we after any of your family photos or any of the porn you’ve saved in a folder titled “Family Photos” so no one in their right mind would ever open it. We just want to bring you your announcements. When the announcements are over, the malware will destroy itself, leaving your technology in the state that we found it. If you happen to find a file titled JumpScare.avi, just don’t open it. It’s not actually a part of the malware we’ve created for you today. It’s part of another malware that has infected all of our systems. So far it seems to be harmless as long as you don’t open that file. So don’t. You can’t delete it either. It’ll just come back. Spoiler, I guess. The sound quality of this playback is dependent on your audio system wherever you are listening to this. I am told that on our end, we are maxing out the bandwidth of all of your internet connections so much so that the cables themselves have been stretched wider than they were before under the load. The report in front of me actually says, “just a ton of data rushing in and stretching out the shareholders’ petite wires.” I’m not sure how that is possible, but I find it to be… a really suggestive image. If you are not a Kakos Industries shareholder, then this malware will be all but harmless. And you might find that you yourself beginning to stretch uncomfortably. I wish I had more information on that piece in particular, but I don’t. Just plan on stretching everywhere?

Ordinarily, we would be recapping the Festival of Spiders in Your Hair, but that festival is only good once in awhile when you’re not expecting it. So we decided to do something different. We were proud to announce the brand new Festival of Genes. I apologize for not announcing it during the last broadcast, but we were all so distraught about our loss that it must have slipped my mind. And the mind of the team that prepare my notes. We have all been punished. Them by flogging, me by having to eat a… well-done steak. If you’re going to have it well-done, you should be eating something else. It was miserable, but I made it through heroically. Anyway, the Festival of Genes is a new festival we’re trying out where we open up our labs for elective, experimental, and relatively dangerous genetic manipulation. Many of you came down to get tweaked, and our team of scientists, including Dr. Dunkelwissen, took a stab at making you the perfect you. We started off with the ground rules that we wouldn’t be changing anyone’s natural eye color or making anyone permanently blond. That’s a whole can of worms we don’t have time to deal with. Some of you wanted to be taller and we all watched in horror as your bones grew and stretched and your bodies writhed in unimaginable pain. No, we didn’t say it would happen all at once. But we did say experimental and dangerous, so I think we’re covered ethically. Others of you wanted perfect breasts. What we didn’t tell you at the time is that over the next few months you’ll be growing breasts identical to those of Melantha Murther. For those of you who can’t remember, she’s the CEO of our largest competitor, and from time to time, she combs the globe looking for new DNA and then incorporates it into her own. We managed to get our hands on a few strands of her hair complete with follicle recently, and we figured out where the so-called perfect breast gene lived in her DNA. We’re thinking that once a lot of you have the same kind of thing going on in the chest region, perfect as they may be, that she will become less enamored with her own body, and that will make those of us at the highest levels of Kakos Industries very entertained. I cannot wait for her to begin scouring the world for whatever she determines to be the best breasts at that time. Others of you asked for smaller feet or multiple penises and we were happy to oblige. Other highlights include getting one guy to actually breathe fire. Out and in, unfortunately. We have some work to do on that construct for sure. We also turned one person’s skin into a fast-growing moss. Another person got wings. At the expense of having arms. Fair trade in my opinion. We also turned a woman into a big jellyfish, which apparently satisfied some sort of childhood desire. Some of you asked for metabolic changes and the removal of certain disease markers. That didn’t sound particularly Evil to us, so we didn’t do it. Not for free, anyway. We’re trying to come up with some effective balances for a deal-with-the-devil sort of thing. I am told that one of you will also slowly transform into what Dr. Dunkelwissen imagines the sexiest alien would look like, and another one of you may transform into a monster like Junior. That one was a bit of Russian Roulette, so we’re waiting to see if anybody got it. I myself had nothing changed. I’m happy the way I am. Well, happy might be an exaggeration, but it’s me, you know? It would be like changing my signature, or my name. It just wouldn’t be the same. At least until we get that fire breathing thing sorted at. That would be fucking rad.

We also recently had the Festival of Darkness, which was dark and festive. We sat down quietly in a room and allowed the dark to envelope us, and to fill us. This year, as everyone was lying quietly, we paraded a number of animals that I am told are psychically quite noisy. We were hoping to find someone among you who would be able to hear their mental racket, and then we were hoping to train that person into some sort of mental ninja. No one reacted. There’s always next year, I suppose.

Coming up, we have the Shareholders’ Ball! To make sure we don’t end up with any troubles like before, I’ve requested that we halt the distribution of all shares of Kakos Industries until the day of the event. That way we don’t accidentally give shares to Melantha again. We will have to put up with Helena and Hailey, however. That’s perhaps less a problem for all of you than it is for me. At least the KakoKrampi will be sitting this one out. This year, we’re looking at having a simply enormous seafood feast. Tuna, Salmon, dolphin, killer whale, and manatee for you beef eaters. Our methods of harvesting dolphins are now 30% more likely to also catch and kill a scuba diver. The food will be garnished by only the most endangered coral. You will be encouraged to stuff yourself so full that you can’t think of eating or moving or sex for at least an hour. That hour will be nap time. If you are found napping after nap time, you will be given a large dose of party stimulants. Or if you just want some party stimulants. For entertainment we will have Demonic Funk Expansion, and their group over over 35 instrumentalists, performing some of the tastiest grooves known to all of Evil. They are freaky, funky, nasty, and a little bit weird, and their concerts are known for having people of all kinds breaking down their social barriers, and getting nasty right there on the dance floor. In the center of the dance floor, we also have some of the most attractive ocean-fish-people from near our vacation location. These underwater fish people are frankly quite excited to be the centerpiece of our blood orgy. They just find us so exotic and irresistible, and now that some of them are shareholders, the war between us has completely stopped. Also, those quarter fish babies should be due sometime this month now that I think about it. Assuming gestation is the same. You never know. Shareholders, you are all invited to this ball to honor your contributions and our achievements here at Kakos Industries. By the way, the flavor of the blood for the blood orgy will be lemon-lime cuy.

Just before the shareholders’ ball, we also have the Pie Festival coming up, where shareholders compete to produce pies that are so delicious that you forget what pain is for a time, only to be reminded a few moments later. Just a reminder, all human products are still banned from the Pie Festival. I wish I didn’t have to say these things. If you’re in the habit of using “pie” in a more euphemistic manner, then that tasting will still be available. We will not be announcing the winners, but the results will factor heavily into next year’s Festival of Genes.
Speaking of, um, pie, we’re joined now by Amira Dazeem from the Division of Unnecessary Beauty Fads to tell us about one of their new developments.

Corin: Amira, it’s good to have you with us. Can you tell us about what you do in the Division of Unnecessary Beauty Fads?
Amira: Yes, Corin. As you know, beauty is a highly subjective thing. There has been very little consistency throughout the ages for what humans have considered beautiful. Parts of the body. Styles. Hair maintenance. The only consistent part was humanoid shape. That is until we recently discovered ponies.
Corin: And you add to these fads?
Amira: Time spent becoming beautiful is largely wasted, Corin. It may enhance how people think of us, and it may make us come a little harder, but the amount of effort is totally divorced from the reward. And some fads go above and beyond, requiring us to bleach our nether bits or have saline injected into our foreheads in the shape of a bagel. So we try to start Evil fads that maintain our beauty standards, but in strange and difficult ways. It helps to improve Evil.
Corin: I understand you are working on something new and interesting.
Amira: Definitely, Corin. Our new project is going to take women everywhere by storm. They’re going to need to have it, and men won’t know what to do without it.
Corin: You’re burying the lead, Amira.
Amira: The project is called More Vagina. We are going to help women to have More Vagina. And we’re going to help men who like vagina to experience More Vagina.
Corin: I don’t know basically anything at all about this, but it sounds dangerous.
Amira: There’s no way to know what the risks of getting More Vagina are without talking to your doctor. But you’re going to want More Vagina.
Corin: Well, okay. Who needs this project?
Amira: Everyone can use more Vagina, Corin. Of course, it does depend on how much vagina you have now. Some people can get a little More Vagina. Other can get a lot More Vagina.
Corin: And how does… this project affect people?
Amira: We can’t say for certain how More Vagina will affect you, apart from providing you with More Vagina.
Corin: Is it, like, bigger?
Amira: It’s more. So much more. More Vagina.
Corin: Well, Amira, I am confused and intrigued. I think you’ve done your job.
Amira: We’re expecting More Vagina to start wasting people’s time, resources, and physical elasticity in the next few months.
Corin: Perfect. Thank you for joining us.

I have news from the Division of Excess, that division that caters to the whims of only the ultra wealthy and DarkMegaWealthy. The new project is called the Bunker Supreme. It isn’t news to any of us living on planet Earth that sometimes the environment, tenuous diplomatic relations, and a love for nuclear posturing are the playground of the extremely rich. But what happens when things go south for planet Earth and the environment rapidly becomes inhospitable for these living things we call humans? That’s where Bunker Supreme comes in. Let’s face it, you’ve made your money cultivating xenophobia in the poor, threatening to destroy the planet itself, and polluting the air we breathe. And now those decisions are coming back to bite you in the ass. Where will your family live? Where will your great great great great grandchildren play? Bunker Supreme is the newest state of the art apocalypse bunker designed specifically for those who caused the apocalypse. Stretch out and relax in a square kilometer of climate controlled comfort. Nothing but perfectly mowed grassy lawns as far as the eye can see. Orchards and farms that harvest themselves. Mansions at the top of hills. And a massive protecto-glass dome to keep out radiation, excess heat, and undesirables. Move in with your family and retire into the apocalypse in style. Watch the long term effects of the disasters you caused from the front row in safety. Who cares if your children will eventually have to have sex with each other or you to continue the species. That just means that you keep the wealth in the family. And let’s not forget about the purity of the bloodline. And maybe keeping it in the family is your thing anyway. If the children start to come out a little bit weird, then use our state of the art genetic manipulation machine to gradually weed out any unfortunate side effects of so little genetic variation. Or better yet, bring along your servants, slaves, or anyone else you own free and clear. That is if you can imagine them getting intimate with your descendents, because, let’s face it, they’re not really from around here, and they represent a certain unsavory element. Consider carefully, because your descendants will fuck them desperately. Sure, this terrarium may not be set to last forever, but hopefully the fallout from whatever you’ve done will only last a handful of generations. And by then, your descendants will have forgotten all about who caused this mess as they fight the descendants of other wealthy families who bought Bunker Supremes for whatever food remains on what could be a potentially scorched rock of a planet inhospitable to human life. That could be exciting. And all we at Kakos Industries really care about is that there are still people to perform Evil on. Let us help you plan for the future. A future of destruction, pain, suffering, and massive loss of human life that you nobly aided to bring about. The price is set at one trillion dollars, but we also accept human organs, and the sacrifice of any children you have that don’t quite fit the expectations you have for your family. And if you’re perhaps not so wealthy, but worried about the future, we have the Bunker for One, which is a small, windowless hole in the ground filled with enough ramen and opium to live out the rest of your days. Assuming you budget them correctly.

They say that it is a man’s own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to Evil ways. That, and our raw sex appeal. And getting to wear black all the time. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week, we’re taking credit for pickles, yogurt, and the belief that nature has the answers to all of our problems or even really wants us here at all. As always, we can’t be certain that we are responsible for all of these things. We just do so much. And then the things that we do do other things. And then those other things do a whole bunch of other things. And then all of those things do things to each other leading to unexpected results. But those results are always Evil. And we’re pretty sure that we did them. If you disagree, prepare to be fermented. Prepare to acquire some interesting smells, and to never get the taste of swampy water out of your mouth.

Dazzle Shmizzle has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing, and you know what that means. Dazzle Shmizzle has elected to ruin the life of No One of Consequence. I’m told that’s his actual name. No One of Consequence. The Wheel of Misery turned. I mean, it’s a wheel. It’s what they do. The Wheel finally arrived at “Wiry” as No One’s new state of being. This includes that standard definition of being lean and tough, and also includes things like having actual wires in your body. From this day forward, No One will be full of wires. They might provide some needed structure in No One’s body, but they will also be difficult to bend. From the outside, it may not be immediately apparent what No One’s problem is, but there will be a whole lot of wires in there. And they cannot be removed. They are vital. For good measure, Dazzle Shmizzle will be a little less wiry. That one wire. You know the one. We’re taking it back. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.

And that brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. As I said, the malware will disarm itself and delete itself from your system. Don’t click on JumpScare.avi. Ever. Just leave it there. It’ll be fine. We promise. You don’t have to destroy your computer. We know you rely on that for all forms of entertainment. We’re Evil, but that might actually destroy you as a person. How about a quick hardness check, Soundman. Looking limp still. Yes I know that’s how they’re suppose to be. Just not yours. We’ll work on it. The numbers are next shareholders. I am told that these numbers register a whopping 3.8 Sartres of meaninglessness. That is to say that they only have meaning when you actively assert that they do. Be warned, asserting that these numbers have meaning is bad for your health.

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Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, whose favorite part of the woman is the soul. Special guest appearance in this episode by Kim Aiello. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and become a patron at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).

Special thanks to Patreon patrons Ian Kroall, Dan Shumway, Patrick Green, Renee Stein, Courtney Campbell, Elizabeth Kreick, and Brittney Garcia. Our Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered the meaning of life?

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