What you are about to hear is the sound of two galaxies colliding.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help our clients to Do Evil Better. Thank you for joining me shareholders. I am glad to see that not all of you are still too partied out to hear sounds. Yes, our Halloween party was most excellent. Thank you for joining us at the festivities, by the way. It would not have been the same without you. There were, perhaps, some interesting things that happened after I ended the broadcast, but I will get into that later.
You are receiving today’s broadcast from the new Pump Up The Jams pump up sneakers. They are the newest innovation coming out of a partnership between our Division of Radio Transmission and Pheidippides Pro Running Gear. The sneakers will require frequent pumping to continue producing sound. And, while you don’t have to wear them to hear these announcements, I think you’ll find that if you slip them on, they are exactly your size. Yes, shareholders, during the night or whenever it is that you sleep, we took measurements and exact molds of your feet to provide you with the ideal sneakers. Lightweight. Supportive. Snug, but not tight. Capable of producing sound when adequately pumped. The ideal sneakers. Go ahead. Try them on if you haven’t yet. That’s it. So nice. Now just keep them on until the end of the broadcast. I promise that nothing bad will happen to you from wearing them. Not now, anyway. But I’ll get to that later. The sneaker speakers are as high quality as you could hope for in something attached to your feet and not your head. But you might find that you can feel the vibrations working their way up your legs as well. It’s a different experience, but hopefully an enjoyable one. Those vibrations are designed to help people move faster and perform better. And let everyone nearby know what your taste in music is like. There is no greater way to make an entrance on the hiking trail, and no greater way to make an exit as you leave everyone in the dust. I will request that you stay sedentary for the remainder of the broadcast, if that’s at all possible shareholders. Some of you, no doubt, will be inspire to run for miles and miles while wearing these shoes. Please be careful with who you accidentally introduce to Kakos Industries on your run.
Did you have a good time at our Halloween party, shareholders? It was an excellent time for all involved. Even that good person that somehow ended up at the festivities. As we all know, no one can resist the appeal of Evil for long when exposed to such a magnificent celebration, but it seems that this newly minted Evil person enjoyed himself too much. He imbibed too much ultra punch. He danced too hard. He joined a parade that he was not scheduled to be a part of. He drank some blood. We didn’t have any blood out. He just found some somewhere and drank it. We had to stop him from sacrificing strangers to some sort of Evil deity of his creation. He called the Evil deity Blehrny. I do not have any better information for you on that one, shareholders. We do not have any records of there ever being a Blehrny in books of old Evil mythology. The this newly darkened member of our ranks dove into the center of the impromptu brawl that some people decided to have. After taking too many hits, he drank much more punch, and was finally found in a nearby shed having carved incomprehensible characters into his own skin. We all had a first day of being Evil, shareholders. For some of us, the lucky ones, it was long before we started to form memories. For others, there is that awkward phase. They become Evil all at once. They become obsessed with Evil. They learn everything they can about ancient Evils that basically no one cares about today. Every conversation ends up about Evil. They attempt to become more Evil than those around them by any means necessary. They have something to prove. And it is ugly, awkward, and undignified. Before we judge this person too harshly, let us remember our awkward times and reflect instead on our own mistakes. We can forgive this misguided individual, and someday we can forgive ourselves for needing an identity so badly. Of course, forgiving this person is mostly unnecessary because, when we found him in the shed, he had been dead for hours. The rest of the celebration went well. I’m still not sure where it was that I passed out. To be clear, I don’t pass out at just any party. Or at any party at all. In fact, I’m still pretty sure we might have just deleted some time from reality during those festivities. We’re still checking all of the labs just to make sure nothing went wrong. At any rate, many of you will remember that we all woke up naked on the front lawn the following morning. If anyone has any clues as to what actually happened, please let us know as soon as possible.
The Festival of Anti-Celebration has begun. If you’re curious as to how exactly you’re supposed to anti-celebrate, then just don’t do anything and you’ll be on the right track. As we all know, the winter holidays can be torture and this is our way of taking a break from them. The room we cleared out for Anti-Celebrating has been packed since we opened the doors a few days after Halloween. It seems that the holiday decorations came out, and blood pressures went through the roof. While our attempts to create holiday cancelling headphones for those times when you need to go shopping and they just won’t stop playing that music have so far been unsuccessful, we can still have these moments of peace.
Are you ready for Black Friday, shareholders? I know that I am. Here at Kakos Industries, modern capitalism is our tool for bringing about the best modern Evil. As such, we embrace black Friday like an old lover. It presents to us an opportunity to sell more and more, and to charge more and more. And not just money. Getting people to spend money is easy. Getting people to spend themselves is a little bit harder. After so many of you lined up last year, even though we weren’t selling anything, we’ve decided that we might have a couple of bargains available to the lucky few of you who get here first and wait the longest. I can’t say any more at this time.
Some of you older shareholders out there will remember that Kakos Industries creates a Decennial Record, which serves to remind us years later how things used to be in the past. Part of that process is recording sounds. To tell us a little more about that, I am now joined by Hank Rumpus from the Division of Sounds, Samples, and Putting Wilhelm Screams in Everything. Thank you for joining us, Hank.
Hank: It’s great to be here, Corin. We do an interesting job in the Division of Sounds, Samples, and Putting Wilhelm Screams in Everything, so I’m really excited to talk about it.
Corin: That’s great to hear, Hank. I am also excited to find out what excellent sounds you’ve got for us. Are we going to hear a collection of our greatest explosions? Or how about our greatest monster screams? Our most breathtaking laser blasts?
Hank: Corin, I’ve got something far far better than all of that to share with you. I mean, as you may know, explosions can be kind of played out. And the screams of monsters can be exciting at first, but they lack the depth and complexity that bears multiple listens. And, I mean, let’s be honest, if you’ve heard one breathtaking laser blast, then the next one probably won’t take your breath away.
Corin: Okay… then what are we hearing today?
Hank: Today I’ve brought in a collection of some of my personal favorite recordings. They’re gathered from far reaching ends of Kakos Industries, and, in my opinion, they are some of the most interesting and complex sounds available.
Corin: Robot battle sounds?
Hank: Don’t be silly, Corin. Today I’ve brought in a collection that I’m calling “The Best Fans in Kakos Industries.”
Hank: Here’s Fan #1.
(We hear a fan sound)
Hank: So tell me, Corin, what do you hear?
Corin: The fan?
Hank: Of course the fan! But what else? Just say what comes to mind.
Corin: It sounds like a fan to me.
Hank: Open up your ears, Corin. Listen to the harmonics. The subtle rhythms. Listen to the sound changing over time.
Hank: Now tell me what you hear.
Corin: Is it like a computer fan or something?
Hank: Corin, stop listening with your analytic mind and just listen. Let the sounds wash over you.
Hank: Do you hear that, Corin? It has a strong” whoosh” to it with notes of hum and a little bit of elephant trunk. If you listen carefully in the mids you might even hear bits of gnome chatter. The more you hear it the more profound it becomes. Gnome chatter. They’re complaining about their work day, Corin. Do you hear the gnomes?
Hank: That’s a start. Let’s move on to Fan #2
(we hear fan #2)
Corin: It’s like an engine fan?
Hank: Just listen, Corin.
(the fan plays a bit more)
Hank: Tell me what you hear.
Corin: I… uh...
Hank: Do you hear the hint of brightness in the highs? And the warmth of the lows?
Corin: I think so.
Hank: Now wait for it. My favorite part is coming up.
(The sound continues largely unchanged)
Hank: Oh, I love that part.
Corin: Yeah, that was… something.
Hank: It’s like jet engines and flipping pages mixed with notes of sewing machine and chimera roar. And if you listen really carefully, you can hear little bits of demonic entities discussing their plans to take over your body. The things they will do with your body. They’re Evil.
Hank: It give me chills. There aren’t many listening experiences better than that. Okay let’s listen to Fan # 3.
(Fan #3 begins to play)
Corin: Oh yeah. Okay. That is a little different isn’t it. The high tones. And the low tones. The noisiness. Notes of lions roaring.
Hank: Yes! Now you’re getting it. Let’s just listen to a little bit more.
(The fan continues to play)
Corin: That’s a good fan.
Hank: It’s an amazing fan.
Corin: I think I’m starting to appreciate it a little more.
Hank: Ah. good! Okay, next test. Did you hear a dark presence whispering to us in the recording of the fan?
Corin: I… um... I thought that was just me.
Hank: Oh no, it’s definitely in there, Corin. It’s like those hints of complex flavors in wine. Those flavors that tell you to do Evil things. All of the Evil things.
Corin: That is amazing. I think I’m starting to get it now.
Hank: Oh, I’m so glad! If I can get one other person to see the beauty in these sounds then I’ve done my job. Now, I have to go. The Evil voice in that recording of fan #3 was very specific about what I am supposed to do right now and, you know, what will happen if I don’t. I’ve got so much Evil to do, Corin. So much Evil.
Corin: Thank you for joining us, Hank.
Shareholders, I feel as though I owe you some news regarding the renegade sex toy that managed to expand so many hearts, minds, etcetera that it started a cult. The prophet Bazizzazziz-Ah is no more. I am surprisingly pained to admit this, considering that the Evil this machine did was largely unintended by us here at Kakos Industries. All the same, this saga has gone on for more than a year now, and it’s sad to see it end. The renegade sex toy performed its last feat and then shut down permanently. The cult of Ohh Ahh have been hanging around the building here trying to decide the new direction of their organization. I’ve heard it suggested that they might get into herbal teas or something like that. Of course, their true strength is sexual, and I have heard there are some among them, flesh and blood humans, that rival their prophet in terms of the ability to relieve society of its hang ups. This is good news, because I had to disband the Division of Sexual Experimentation finally. They’ve told me numerous times over the years that they were working on new projects since their sex toy ran off. It seems, however, that many of those projects barely made it past the idea phase. There seemed to be a general attitude of “I didn’t realize we were supposed to be working on anything”. So they’ve been let go. I met with one of the leaders in the Cult of Ohh Ahh, a woman named Jasmine Aashna. She has had latent Evilness for years, but was unaware of it until recently. And she has shown great potential to lead. She also has an engineering background. So we’ve offered her the position of director of the new Division of Erotic Experiences. Provisionally. They will need to show that they are doing something there, something Evil, before we’ll feel comfortable leaving them to their own devices, no pun intended.
They say that Evil once rode into a meeting of the primal forces on a bitchin’ dragon made out of chrome and lasers. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Today, we’re taking credit for inkjet printers, junk mail, and the printed word. We can’t be completely certain that we are responsible for all of these things. Our records honestly don’t go that far back. But we know in our heart of hearts that we are to blame. If you don’t believe us, then all current and future written records of you will be destroyed. And to make our lives easier, and to prevent a lot of future records, we’ll probably destroy you too. Be careful.
Handful of Mud McKenzie has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of Handful of Mud’s nemesis will be ruined. Handful of Mud has selected Jeff Alto Clef as his target. We spun the Wheel of Misery with a good amount of force. It landed on Jury Duty. From now on, Jeff Alto Clef will get just a ton of jury duty, and not the kind you can get out of. It’s going to be tough to make plans, and also jury duty is a special hell all on its own. For good measure, Handful of Mud McKenzie will have slightly more jury duty. It’s going to be really annoying. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.
This brings us the the end of our broadcast, shareholders. Your Pump Up the Jams sneakers do not need to be destroyed now. But you must wear them out and about in the near future. They will be stolen from you. Even if they are specially fitted to your feet, they are still exceedingly valuable, and you will have to hand them over. The numbers are next. Please do not pay attention to them. They are dangerous to your health in more ways than one. Three ways. They are dangerous to your health in three ways. Three isn’t one of the numbers. The numbers haven’t started yet. They’re starting now, though.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently doing the hand jive. Special guest appearance in this episode by Mike Rugnetta. Mike writes and hosts PBS Idea Channel on YouTube. He also has a podcast called Reasonably Sound. You can find him on Twitter @MikeRugnetta. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you like to read along with the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers and become a patron at kakosindustries.com/patreon. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
Special thanks to Patreon patrons Ian Kroall, Dan Shumway, Patrick Green, Renee Stein, Courtney Campbell, Elizabeth Kreick, Manannan, Feddy Lax, and Brittney Garcia. Our Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That's Patreon: p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered buying a plasma cutter?