What you are about to hear may prepare you for something terrible.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO. Shareholders, I regret to inform you that we haven’t discovered any more information in the saga of Darryl Welk. We still can’t find employment records or anything else. Also, I’m pretty sure at least a handful of the investigators have gotten bored and just moved on. You see, there are a lot of mysteries here at Kakos Industries. Not all of them are so easily presented to you, shareholders, but there are a lot of them. Sometimes one mystery just isn’t as compelling as another. It’s also pretty subjective. The new mystery they’ve started to work on is who ate the lead investigators sandwich yesterday, which, from our perspective seems kind of petty, but when you learn that whoever ate his sandwich did so by also eating half of the refrigerator itself, you see where they might be coming from. That’s gotta be a big mouth.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from your new media console. It arrived in a nondescript box delivered gently through your incoming projectiles window. Then, you should have unpacked it and set it up as the instructions in the box indicated. When you turned your television or other viewing device on, you should have noticed a wealth of programming just right for your tastes that you had never heard of before. Mostly stuff about life on spaceships or going to wizarding school for adults, if I remember correctly. If our calculations were correct, then you haven’t moved from that spot in days. I assure you this was all necessary, shareholders. You see, we needed you ready to listen to these announcements. They’re not more important than any other announcements really, we just wanted to make sure that you heard them. You might be thinking that this is a media device capable of receiving and displaying video, so where are the handsome CEO visuals? You’re too kind, shareholders. Really. But just because this device displays video doesn’t mean we’re going to break with nearly a hundred years (I think) of tradition and broadcast anything but sound. There should be some semi-hypnotic visuals playing automatically on the device anyway. This device comes to us from Kakos Studios, a film and television studio located right here in the main branch. They worked briefly with our Division of Media Hardware to create the device, and then they spent the rest of their time creating the content. You might be surprised to find out that the shows you were watching included a number of gaps in logic and strange, otherwise unbelievable circumstances because you were just having such a good time watching the people do magic and science. In fairness, they didn’t have much time to work. The only break in the irresistible content coming through your television screen was the dance instructions that you were expected to follow along with. But more on that later.
Shareholders, did you notice that I forgot to mention the CEO festival last time? “Forgot” is a strong word. Well, Grace noticed. She was just behind enough in her work that she didn’t immediately notice, but she caught up with me later. Did you enjoy the CEO Festival shareholders? I bet you did. It seemed like everyone was having a super time. I can’t say that I’m bitter because the things that are best for you are best for the company, even if I find them horribly embarrassing. There were burned effigies. There was a roast. There was a lot of food that I don’t particularly care for. Pretty much all of the plans I had made were thrown out immediately in favor of things that would make all of you happy at my expense. One of the most awkward events from my perspective was the open mic inviting all of you to read the strange erotica that you’ve written about me with people that I know. Some of them are people I work with on a daily basis. How am I supposed to look at them after the things you said, shareholders? After the things you made me think? Huh? I bet you weren’t thinking about that when you wrote about where I put my junk and what junk ended up in me. But it was all in good fun, right? The highlight of the event was our Porn Hydra, usually referred to collectively as just the Porn Hydra, who shared readings from three of its heads, Grace Pegafin, EM Westover, and Kester Williams. They were obviously the most entertaining. You don’t get referred to as the Porn Hydra without having some chops. Then a bunch of you sat on my lap to ask for things like I’m a santa or something. I don’t grant wishes. I am not a fairy godmother. And it doesn’t matter how good your lapdancing skills are. I can’t develop a reputation for being so easily manipulated. At the end, there was a mock stoning. Those of you in attendance got to pelt me with water balloons. Except for the one of you who threw a rock. We caught that person. She’s currently in the dungeon being periodically sandblasted. Hilarious joke. Well, I sincerely hope that you got all of that nastiness out of your system.
The trouble with not mentioning the CEO Festival is that I had to also not mention the Festival of the Dance, which occurred just recently. If I had mentioned that celebration last time, some of you would have wondered where the recap of the CEO Festival was. It was a calculated risk on my part. The calculation went like this: “I don’t want to talk about the CEO Festival.” Anyway, you did have to begin working your way up to the Festival of the dance. As I mentioned, the media device we sent to your home also included some dance tutorials that you were required to watch and attempt on your own. They were a bit of a rush job after I failed to prepare you in the last broadcast, so they went out basically as soon as we finished making them. I know what you’re probably thinking. “Why were the dance instructors naked on the video?” Well, that was their choice. We didn’t actually tell them to do that. They just kind of wanted to. Yes, I know watching their parts flap as they jumped and spun was distracting. I was there when they filmed it. It was distracting then. But we didn’t have time to change it, okay? Despite the distracting nudity, you performed excellently during the choreographed opening ceremony. That’s important, because we would have found a way to make you suffer had you not performed so well. First place in the competition went to Loco Cocoa Edelstein, who performed a number of intense ballet routines, entirely while handstanding. I admit that I don’t like giving points to gimmicks, but damn, you guys. It was impressive. Second and third place don’t win anything, but as you remember, fourth place becomes a test subject for our Division of Thrill Ride Testing. The usual testing ground is the MegaThrillz theme park in Christ Hole, Texas. It has been slightly complicated for our team to do their work recently because having your mind expanded via sexual cult is not the greatest when you have work to do. If you remember from last time, it seems that our renegade sex toy and its followers have taken over the entire town of Christ Hole, Texas, including the theme park. Our employees are safe as you might expect, but a number of them have totally jumped ship, and that has left a lot of work for the remaining employees. So the ride they tested with Goodwin Reese, our fourth place winner, was basically a barrel of black powder under a metal cone under Goodwin Reese. We are told that he made it to orbit. Congratulations, Goodwin.
Shareholders, I think you will be glad to hear that we do not have the Festival of Misery coming up again this year. I know we all had a good cry last year, but it seems that this festival only comes around once in awhile. I think it has something to do with the orbit of Saturn. At any rate, We do still have the Festival of Fertility coming up. And this year, we have genetically engineered breeding males with limited edition Kakos Industries genes. There’s a couple of things we’re trying out, and you ladies who come down to get buns in your ovens will have the opportunity to be the first to bring real human babies into the world carrying these genes. We’ve used them in mice and some primates and boy you are in for a surprise. An Evil surprise. And I mean that in the best way. I definitely see some of these babies growing up into future world leaders and innovators. I can’t make any guarantees. Afterall they still have to deal with whatever flawed parenting style you ascribe to, but the potential is there. And for you lonely men out there, we’ve caved. We’ve finally come up with something for those of you who show up to the event even though you know it’s not for you. One of our actresses who works with the Division of Sexual Experimentation, Nipsy Luce, has volunteered (unprompted, mind you) to do sex stuff with each and every one of you. I’m going to be honest, I don’t see how this is possible, but she would not be deterred. We’ll be doing our best to screen for diseases on the way into this event.
It has come to my attention that Kimmie has set the record for the most people involved in one sexual act here at Kakos Industries. The definition of a single sexual act can be kind of tricky, but Kimmie did have a lot of interns at her disposal. Apparently our various orgies and group sex events count as clusters of sexual acts, and not single sexual acts. Where Kimmie was successful is that all of the interns were there to please her. All of them. That’s a lot of people. We’re still not sure how she’s pulled this off. I mean, she’s cute and all, but is anyone really that cute? I’m asking seriously. Just how jealous should I feel. I mean, I do okay, but I don’t get all of the interns to follow me around. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something the doctors haven’t told me? Has all of my sex all of these years come from pity? What’s going on here?
Corin: Melantha? Is that you?
Melantha: Yes, it is I, Melantha Murther, CEO of (AWful Noise).
Corin: They know who you are.
Melantha: I don’t care. Repetition is the key to cementing myself as important in the minds of your imbecilic shareholders.
Corin: Well, anyway, it’s good to hear from you. I haven’t heard anything since… you know.
Melantha: Yes, Corin, that’s actually why I’m interrupting you. We need to talk.
Corin: You can’t break up with me, Melantha. We’re not together.
Melantha: It’s not that, Corin. I’m interrupting on behalf of my legal team, Gorgon, Smith, and Be’elzebitch.
Corin: More nether law?
Melantha: Not nether law. Regular law. The sweet cream ice cream of law.
Corin: Just get it out.
Melantha: Corin, I understand that you’ve been leading people to believe that we had sex.
Corin: I’ve said no such thing! I know that I can’t talk about things that happened while our companies were one.
Melantha: You haven’t said anything explicitly, no. But you’ve given people the impression that we have. You’ve allowed them to believe it, which is also firmly against the contractual obligations we have to one another.
Corin: This is ridiculous.
Melantha: You said, and I’m quoting, “I noticed that she had exposed herself to me from under a short skirt. Anyway, I’m sworn to confidentiality about things that may or may not have happened.” Pretty damning if you ask me.
Corin: I didn’t say anything about us having sex.
Melantha: I am not some censorship board, Corin. Literally saying nothing about what happened isn’t good enough. There is an obvious implication in the words you used.
Corin: Melantha, I didn’t prepare for this conversation. I don’t have quotes. I can’t even say if what you’ve said is in context.
Melantha: I can assure you it is in consext. Context.
Corin: Well, I admit that you put me in an awkward position here. I’m not even allowed to say what DIDN’T happen regarding us during the time our companies were one. I’m just supposed to keep the whole thing murky. In fact, I’m not sure I even remember what happened correctly any more. There’s a part of me that thinks it might have been a cloud of possibilities and nothing more.
Melantha: Find a way to fix it. I can’t have people running around thinking that I would ever let you touch me.
Corin: Fine. Shareholders, the time when our companies were one is totally unimportant. Don’t worry about it. It barely even happened.
Melantha: That is such a heavy implication, Corin.
Corin: Shareholders, you didn’t miss much.
Melantha: That’s even worse!
Corin: You didn’t miss anything. Just forget I ever said anything.
Melantha: You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?
Corin: I’m really not sure what I can say. I just won’t say anything, okay? Are we done?
Melantha: We are not done. There’s the matter of punishment for breaking your end of the contract.
Corin: I’m still not sure I’ve broken any contracts, but fine. What’s my punishment.
Melantha: Why don’t you read the contract, Corin.
Corin: Okay, it looks like Grace has slipped a contract under the door. Okay… punishments… Oh fuck.
Melantha: I expect you to do it, Corin. All of it.
Corin: This isn’t going to happen. I’m not going to clean all of your “toys” with my tongue.
Melantha: You can use your lips as well, I’m not a stickler.
Corin: I frankly don’t have enough saliva to clean all of your toys. Even if I take two pills of our patented Blowetta PM. And we all know one pill is plenty to give a full night’s worth of oral sex. How did this even make its way into the contract?
Melantha: Very well, then. If you’re not prepared to honor the contract then I will release the first photograph.
Corin: That’s a bad idea, Melantha.
Melantha: I am perfectly within my rights to do so!
Corin: The reason we have photos of each other doing... good things is so that we will never have the courage to release them. If you release one, then I’m likely to release one as well. We both go down.
Melantha: Are you prepared for nuclear war, Corin? Because I am. Always.
Corin: You’re a mad woman.
Melantha: Am I?
Corin: I’m not cleaning your toys.
Melantha: What about one toy? And I get to pick.
Corin: I’ll have my team look over the contract.
Melantha: Ha! That’s not a no! It’s going to be big, Corin.
Corin: We’ll look over the paperwork and get back to you.
Melantha: It’s not even going to fit in that little mouth of yours, Corin.
Corin: I’ll obviously need to see what Grace says.
Melantha: It’ll take you a good bit of time to get it clean.
Corin: There’s obviously going to be a negotiation here.
Melantha: I just have to decide how I want to get it dirty now.
Corin: Melantha, don’t you think you barging into my broadcast to tell me that I’ve given people the wrong idea-
Corin: -an idea at all- about what might have happened to us when our companies were one is more suspect than anything I’ve said? It might have given people an image of something you might not have intended for them to think about. Something you’d fight so hard for them not to know.
Melantha: I’m going to find the biggest, dirtiest toy known to man. And then I’m going to make a bigger one.
Corin: We’ll see what the lawyers say, Melantha.
Melantha: The biggest toy, Corin! SO big, Corin! And now I’m hanging up. Last word. Melantha out!
(The noise falls)
I’m not going to do what she says, shareholders. You don’t have to worry. If it comes down to it, I’m sure we can use regular old violence to fix this situation.
They say that Evil has been present at every major historical event for all of time, but it’s only paid attention at some of them. This is things we’re taking credit for now. Today we’re taking credit for dolphinariums, circuses, and dog shows. As always, we can’t know for certain that we are directly responsible for these things, but we are saying it very confidently, and you would be a fool to disagree. No one wants to be a fool.
Tiptoes Poe has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Tiptoes has selected Finnery McKinnery as her nemesis. As a result, Finnery’s life will be ruined. We spun the Wheel of Misery with a quick jolt and it spun for some time. It finally arrived at Tasty. From this day forward, Finnery McKinnery will be really tasty. Like people are going to just have an impossible time not tasting, licking, or nibbling on Finnery. It’s going to make work, leisure and life in general really difficult, and Finnery may one day be eaten to death. For good measure, Tiptoes Poe will be much less tasty, however you want to take that. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.
This brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. You will have to switch off this devices that has brought you so much entertainment and crush it under foot. You may never see these television programs again, and no one will know what you’re talking about when you bring them up. It is best to accept this fate and move on. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently remixing your thoughts. Special guest appearance in this episode by Rebecca Ryan. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at email@example.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
Special thanks to Patreon patrons Ian Kroall, Dan Shumway, Patrick Green, Renee Stein, Courtney Campbell, and Elizabeth Kreick. Our Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That's Patreon p-a-t-r-e-o-n.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered how long it’s been since you had a papercut?