episodes

59 – Obsolete

In which your arms get tired, Corin plays some audio files, Kimmie gathers a crowd, the renegade sex toy keeps on keepin’ on, and a dot “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

Transcription:

What you are about to hear is.

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. As always, I am Corin Deeth III, CEO. Unless something strange has occurred making me someone else. I don’t think that’s happened, though. Not recently, anyway. I should tell you, shareholders, that Dirk was a man of his word. His company did bring by a giant gym sock after the… trouble in the last broadcast, and they did clean up the mess. That being said, I am still upset with Dirk. He should know better than to let anything happen to this building. We will be punishing Giant Ass Robots to Kick In Your Face for a little while. Our services will be more expensive. And all of the staff are instructed to ignore any of their employees when they come by. Even if they’re good friends. Even if they’re married. And if they happen to work for both companies, then they have to ignore themselves. No interaction. Like they don’t even exist. That’s just how we roll. For now. We’re not so cruel that they’ll never be back in our good graces. They just need to know that they messed up. A lot.

You are receiving this broadcast via one of those plastic thingies that you wave over your head and the wind passing over the opening makes a noise. We don’t have a better name for it than that apparently. That’s not the special technology here, really. In fact, this is one of the least expensive radios we have ever used. The special technology is the way we are modulating the atmosphere around you to turn that waving device into the perfect conduit to bring you these announcements. The trouble is that you will have to keep swinging that plastic tube over your head for the rest of the announcements. The announcements might take a little while, so please pace yourselves. If there are any other shareholders around you, then you may take turns spinning the tube. If you’re by yourself, then best of luck. If you are not a shareholder, then the shareholder near you spinning the tube is now instructed to bludgeon you to death with the tube. Run. Run far away. You can beat them. But you are not allowed to hear these announcements. Get them shareholders. I believe in you.

Shareholders, we have something a bit different to share with you today. We have recently cleaned out some of our lower basements. We have many, many basements here at Kakos Industries, but in this particular basement, we found some audio cards. Some of them were in recording devices. For now, I’ll just let the audio speak for itself. It’s been slow for news recently.

Darryl: Hello. This is Darryl Welk, employee of Kakos Industries. I seem to have fallen down a hole in the floor of one of the basements here at the main branch. I landed in a rather deep pile of outdated electronics, so I’m beginning to think that this was some sort of garbage pile. The metaphor is not lost on me. My managers have been struggling to find work for me, which is why they’ve sent me down here in the first place. It seems that this might have been a fool’s errand anyway. Of course, I can’t even remember what I was sent down here for. That was six weeks ago. I think. There’s no daylight down here. I’ve been largely surviving off of discarded boxes of some sort of diet food that the company developed I don’t know how long ago. There isn’t much light down here. There’s really only what comes down from the hole in the basement that must be… forty feet above me. That’s around 12 meters. That’s one of my skills. Converting imperial measurements to metric. One of the skills they never had a use for. Anyway, the recording light on this device is more illuminating than the crack above. I picked it up today because I’m beginning to run out of hope that I will ever be rescued. Every day this seems less and less like an accident and more like an intentional circumstance. Why hasn’t anyone come to look for me? They know exactly where they sent me. Even if I can’t remember.

We have been unable to find a record of Darryl Welk being an employee here at Kakos Industries. That doesn’t mean that he wasn’t an employee, we just can’t find the record of his employment. We also didn’t find him in the basement. Nor did we find much in the way of outdated electronics. We have some more audio from Darryl, but first I have some other announcements.

Last we talked about Kimmie and Maggie, I mentioned that Kimmie was dating one of our interns. Now, she’s dating all of our interns. Honestly, I’m not sure how she has persuaded them all, but she has. They follow her around like a bunch of geese after bread. Just Kimmie, and a sea of our youngest employees. Well, interns. I mean, we could pay them. Obviously. But what we provide them through the internship program is so much more valuable. Assuming that their parents are able to keep them afloat. Or that they are comfortable sleeping in the lower dormitories. Strange things happen in the lower dormitories. We’ve considered talking to Kimmie about this intern habit of hers, but we’ve also considered just putting her in charge of the interns. She seems to keep them in line better than we do normally. Still not sure if she’s happy, though.

Here’s the next card from Darryl.

Darryl: The batteries on that other device died. It seems like a lot of this stuff down here has been here for ages. I haven’t been able to find a flashlight. Maybe they don’t become outdated in the same way that the pile of betamax players over there has. I think that my sense of touch and my sense of hearing have improved during my stay down here with limited light. I’ve had nightmares that I’m becoming some sort of mole person. It doesn’t help that I’m not alone down here. I hear breathing. And… scratching. Scampering. Screeching. I don’t know what they are, but there has to be at least six of them. They approach me when they’re feeling brave. I feel the warmth of their breath on my face sometimes. It’s enough to wake me up, and then they bolt away, scattering old electronics in their wake. Is that what’s in store for me? Is there something down here that turns discarded employees into molemen? Is it the diet food? I have to constantly eat it just to stay conscious. Does the effect add up? When will the transformation be complete? I think I hear them. In the distance. I may try to find their nest. Maybe there is better food there. And maybe I will learn to live among them.

Darryl: It has been what I assume to be six weeks since I recorded last. I began to live among the molemen. I was still unable to ever once feel them. Alive, that is. They seemed to be afraid of my hands. I slept on the edge of their nesting area so as not to cause any problems. They got used to me. They offered me food, though it was more boxes of this Kakos Industries diet food. I did not notice in that time myself transforming into a mole creature. I had even resolved myself to the idea. I’m rubbing my arms now and I don’t notice any additional hair. If anything, I’ve lost weight. I’m beginning to understand what a horror this diet food is. It’s not such a problem right now, though. You see, I’ve eaten some moleman. I’m… They were already dead. I didn’t kill them. I just found them that way. I went to explore, and when I returned, they were already gone. I mean, they were here, but they were dead. They’re large. Maybe eight feet long. They have large noses and small eyes. Thick, wiry hair. Rodent feet. Large wounds. I can’t be certain, but I believe the wounds were caused by tools. Blades or spears or something. I have no such tools. I used my hands and teeth to separate the flesh from the bone and consume it. They don’t need it anymore. They’re dead. They’re dead. They’re dead. They’re dead. Oh Evil, what have I done!

Shareholders, we found no mole corpses. We found no bones and no signs of violence. Of course, we have no idea when any of this happened. Perhaps someone went down to this level of the basement just to clean up gore and leave all the clutter. That doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, but we do weird shit all of the time. The diet food… that sounds like us for sure.

Our renegade sex toy robot has led its followers into the town of Christhole, Texas, and, according to reports, they have taken it over. I’m not sure yet what that means, but the selfies that the robot has sent are pretty freaky. People are doing some stuff out there. Let’s hear some more from Darryl.

Darryl: I think I might have caught a glimpse of one of them. One of the monsters. One of them that killed the moles. He glowed. For a moment. A smooth, humanoid figure. Just for a quick flash in the distance. I’m beginning to think that this sub-basement, or sub-sub-basement, or however many sub- prefixes you want to add — it’s much larger than I thought. Cavernous. Or have I grown smaller? Is that what this awful food has done to me? But the boxes didn’t seem to get larger in my hands. It’s hard to know how much this company is responsible for my pain and just how much I am responsible for myself. Hell is other people? Perhaps, but Hell is also your own mind. I mean, I know there’s the actual Hell now. I’m speaking metaphorically. Why am I even arguing with you. You’re just a recording device. Anyway, I’ve been walking in the direction of that glowing figure. There’s a chance that he might be benign. And if not, well then perhaps I’ve lived this mess long enough.

(A cut sound)

Darryl: I WANT TO LIVE! I WANT TO LIVE! I WANT TO LIVE! OH EVIL, WHAT A FOOL I WAS! (long pause) I found the monster. I found him. I was taking a breather. The food I’ve been eating hasn’t given me much energy. I snacked. And I didn’t hear a single thing. No footsteps, no breathing. No shuffling garbage. I was there for minutes. And then out of nowhere, this figure glows brightly. So brightly. I was blinded. Then it let out the most unearthly bellow. It didn’t have to tell me twice. I ran. I ran hard. Behind me, the creature stopped glowing, but I could hear him coming after me. I think I may have lost it now. The trouble is, I appear to have lost any sign of the crack in the ceiling. There is no light except for the glow of the electronics in this device. I could have run into anything. I could have impaled myself. I could have knocked myself out after hitting a wall. I could have run right off a cliff, assuming there was any cliff to run off of. I don’t know if I can continue on like this. But I don’t want to stop. Curse this foolish survival instinct.

We didn’t find any evidence of glowing beasts. We also have no records of ever making glowing beasts. But again, having no records doesn’t mean we didn’t do it. Also, this basement that we found all of this stuff in isn’t that big. Of course, we have no way of knowing if the memory cards and recording devices were moved from their original location. It at least seems likely. We really don’t know anything as it is. We have more, but we’ll save that for now.

They say that Evil is warm, but cold, soft, but hard, and gooey throughout. This is things we’re taking credit for now. This week, we’re taking credit for really big hats, really thin ties, and all the love you’re not getting. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for, then prepare to let that negative emotion run your life into the ground.

It looks like a dot has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. It’s a dot. Not like a period. A little higher up on the line on the piece of paper. Fine. The dot has selected a dash as its nemesis. Are these people with strange names? Or are they actually text characters? I guess I really don’t care. We spun the Wheel of Misery. It spun and spun and finally landed on Mostly Deleted. From this day forward the dash will be mostly deleted. This included past records, future events, and present states of being. The dash will be less known than before. The dash’s history will be murkier. The dash’s actions will be less likely to be recorded. And the dash itself will be slightly smaller. Or something. We’re really diving into the conceptual life-ruining here. For good measure, the dot will be added into past and future events, for better or worse. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.

Let’s pop in the last memory card here, shareholders.

Darryl: It’s been a week since I’ve seen the light from anything but this device and those glowing things. It’s things now. More than one. The one I saw before wasn’t even the biggest one. I’m getting weak. I’ve exhausted the remaining food supplies I had and now I can’t seem to find anything. There aren’t even any creases on the floor for me to follow or count. The light from this device does seem to carry a little distance, but my eyes have grown weak. I’ve been using the light from those monsters to navigate. And flee. Flee and navigate. But I’m not sure I can do that any more. I’m… too tired. I’m not going to make it. (breathing) Ah. Here he comes. Slowly. Methodically. Pulsing light. There he is. Oh, why does he have to walk so slowly? What is that? We both know what’s happening. Stop delaying the inevitable. You’ve been good to me, nameless recording device. I’ll save you from hearing the nasty bits.

Corin: Well that took a turn-

Darryl: Oh no, the stop button isn’t working. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! (Monster screams)

Corin: Well-

Daryl: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! (monster screams)

Corin: Um-

Darryl: Ahhhhh! (monster screams)

Corin: That brings us to the end of the broadcast shareholders. Recycle your plastic tube thing responsibly. The numbers are next.

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Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently on a motherfucking roll, son. Special guest appearance in this episode by Philip Haldiman, who played Denny in the cult film The Room. You can follow him on Facebook at Facebook.com/DennyTheRoom or on Twitter @TheRoomDenny. He has created a comic book based on his experiences acting in The Room, which you can find at philiphaldiman.com. He also hosts a podcast called On the Grid, featuring Interviews with newsmakers in Phoenix, Arizona. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).

Special thanks to Patreon patrons Ian Kroall, Dan Shumway, Patrick Green, Renee Stein, Courtney Campbell, and Elizabeth Kreick. Our Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered what it would be like to live on Venus?

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