episodes

57 – Rules

in which Corin goes totally off-script, the Celebration of Self Love is not recounted, you get a vague notion for what Evil Con 2016 might look like, you hear some things you probably shouldn’t, and Gavin “The Wrecking Ball” Murray “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

Transcription:

What you are about to hear is not a representation of reality, nor is it a representation of how things should be, nor is it a representation of how things aren’t.

Greetings, shareholders! This is Corin Deeth III, CEO of Kakos Industries bringing you your shareholder announcements. I’m going to tell you right now that things are going to be a little bit different today. You see, I conscripted Brosephus and Soundman Steven to help me with a special side project. Before you get your hopes up, it’s nothing huge. Just something really important for me personally. If you’ve been paying attention lately, you’ve noticed that things at Kakos Industries have been not as great as they once were. Some of you might even be able to pinpoint the problem, as I have. It’s Helga, shareholders. She has replaced Grace Rule in Grace’s absence. As some of you may remember, Grace had an ethical crisis and saw fit to remove herself from the situation. Anyway, Helga has just been terrible. And not in a way that we like. Sure, she’s keeping us all busy. And she’s making sure we fulfill every part of our contractual duties. But the way she’s done that has just been… exhausting. She lacks the warmth that Grace had. I mean, Grace wasn’t what you’d call warm, but Helga has zero warmth. She might as well be absolute zero. It’s a wonder any of her atoms even work together instead of totally disintegrating from lack of warmth. She’s also slimier than Grace somehow. That’s not really a judgment. People do come in all varieties of sliminess… that might not be accurate, actually. Soundman, are people usually as slimy as Grace? He doesn’t seem to think so. That does pose some interesting questions. No time for that now. You see, with the help of my two companions, we subdued Helga. We’ve got her locked away deep inside of Kakos Industries where she cannot escape. And she also cannot enforce any rules from where she’s locked up. So I can do whatever I want. Earlier today, I didn’t go to a meeting that I had scheduled. I just didn’t go. Granted, it was a meeting for the upcoming bake sale, and the memo did say that I didn’t strictly have to be there, but I think I told someone I might go, and then I didn’t. It’s also one of our employees’ birthdays today. I did not wish that particular employee a happy birthday. That does feel liberating. And now I don’t have to read anything on my agenda here. There’s no one to stop me.

I suppose there is now the question of what I talk about if I’m going to intentionally skip the things on my agenda. Let’s see. What should I talk about. How are you today, shareholders? If you’ve forgotten, we still have a device here that tells me how you’re feeling, so go ahead and just feel how you’re feeling for a moment. Oh, wow. That was a whole lot worse than I was expecting. It was definitely Evil, though. You may remember from last time that I have this button on my desk that could, if I wanted it to, give you all a sudden sexual thrill. SOme of you just felt a sudden sexual thrill, but to be clear, I did not push the button. No one has pushed the button at all. Nothing fell on it either. It has never been pushed, except in testing. I will say that one of those test subjects did die from having the button pressed too much, but it did seem like a good way to go. Even though this button has not been pressed since any of you were wired up to it, throughout the time since you last heard from me, many of you felt these sudden sexual thrills, some leading to what I can only imagine must have been awkward climaxes. One of you even seemed to feel these thrills 147 times. Then again, I realize this is bad science. We have no idea what your data looked like before you knew of this threat. Some of you may just feel those sudden thrills regardless. There goes another one of you. You should probably relax, shareholders. No one is going to press this button. Nor is anyone going to press the button right next to it that will cause you enough pain to vomit. Ah, not so quick to feel that one, are we, shareholders? Or what about the button that will make you cry? Or the button that will make you dance in ways that we find humorous? Not so quick to feel those either. Really, it’s a whole console of feelings that I could make you feel. I could make you all my puppets, shareholders. As long as I want you to feel intense pain or pleasure, or dance, or speak with a subtle Austrian accent. Really, we picked some weird options here. As you’ve probably guessed, you’re getting this transmission through this same device that makes you feel. Oh, shit. That was one of the things on my agenda. It says it right here. Tell them how they’re getting the announcements. I shouldn’t have said anything. Also, it appears that I have a quota for the number of times I talk about sex today. Have I always had that quota, Soundman? He seems to think not. It’s probably one of the things Helga changed. Grace had faith in me to talk about sex enough times. Helga… Helga is a monster.

Next on the agenda is the festivals. Seeing that we just wrapped up our Celebration of Self Love, I can successfully skip two items on my agenda by not talking about it, and also not talking about sex. I am on a roll today.

(Faint whale sound)

Someone must be moving some stuff around outside. Ooh, and I can also not tell you anything about Evil Con coming up. In fact, let’s take all the signs down at the convention center! Take them all down! No one will know what they’re standing in line for. It will be a totally blind convention. You will wait in lines. And you will be disappointed. Okay, I’m only going to count that as halfway telling you about Evil Con 2016. So I still halfway broke the rules by not telling you any more. Shit. I’m gonna have to be more careful.

Let me tell you about something totally irrelevant, shareholders. Today, on my way into work, I had to step over a big stupid art piece. That’s right, one of you shareholders… Grace Pegafin? I have no idea how I’m supposed to pronounce that. Anyway, she made some sort of sculpture that took up the entire walkway. Everyone was struggling to get over it. I guess it had something to do with how we all struggle to deal with our shame. You see, the sculpture was… sort of a combination of all human shame. There were some sexual parts, and some other bodily functions, and it made a whole lot of splorching sounds as you tried to climb over it. So we were all literally trying to get over our basest human qualities. That is until I came back outside from my office with my trusty hatchet and I ended the art installation. No idea where Ms. Pegafin went. Also, part of the sculpture seemed to be alive. So I got to kill something today. I wish I knew what it was, but it’s probably not worth worrying about.

Is there anything you want me to talk about Soundman? They’re going to fix the bathroom by your office soon. I don’t know why the shareholders need to hear about that. Now he’s shrugging. Did you enjoy helping me to capture Helga? He’s giving the thumbs up. How do you think this broadcast is going? He’s giving me the so-so hand wave. Well, I can understand. We’ve gone entirely off-script. Thank you for your honesty, Soundman.

In an effort to break some more rules here, shareholders, I’m going to tell you some things I shouldn’t. These are things that I am supposed to keep confidential no matter what. And here I am telling you everything. No one here at Kakos Industries has died in a whole week. Not even of natural causes. That’s kind of embarrassing for us. (Whale sounds). No one has even been injured in a couple of days. (Whale sounds). We recently killed every employee of one of our smaller competitors because they had a great idea and we were jealous. (More whale sounds). Sometimes we’re afraid that some smaller company will come up with some amazing Evil and they’ll get too big for us to consume them. Also, Melantha’s company (Awful sound) is back up and running at full power. (Whale sound). It’s like they didn’t even notice that everything went to shit for them. Also, we’ve expanded the beta testing of our Evil-pairing app, and everyone swipes me right by default. I asked for that feature because I’m Evil. That one I was probably allowed to tell you, now that I think of it. I was just electing not to tell you because it might somehow cheapen some of the connections I’ve made recently.

In more news of things I shouldn’t tell you, that renegade sex robot, we’re beginning to worry that it’s doing good. This is always a tricky thing for us here at Kakos Industries, because sex is obviously something we’ve taken as our own, even though some might argue that it’s really kind of a neutral thing. At any rate, this robot has amassed quite the following. It’s got hundreds of people following it around and even more that it has reduced the sexual inhibitions in. I am told that some of these people are even training with the robot to emulate its abilities so they can spread its message even farther. Please be careful, shareholders. These people may be coming for you sometime soon. They obviously won’t touch you without asking your permission, but based on what I’m reading here, “some of them are quite fit and very emotionally sensitive, and they almost always get the yes”. Sex is Evil. I will fight for that until the day I die. But you have to do other Evil stuff too. And these people… they’re not doing the other Evil. They are making the remaining curmudgeons who decline their offer of sexual liberation more isolated, but that’s only a moderate Evil. I talked about sex again. Fuck. I’m filling up that quota fast.

Also, Prosperiana camouflaged itself. That’s why we can’t destroy it. We know where it’s supposed to be, but now there’s just seafloor for miles. (Whale sound) What are we supposed to do with that? How did they figure out how to hide? Also, we’re apparently not allowed to just dump caustic chemicals into the ocean. That might kill everyone, and then who’s left to do Evil? No one. Maybe tardigrades.

I don’t like this, shareholders. I don’t like telling you all these nasty things. But it’s important for me to break these rules. Helga has to know that there are consequences for not being Grace. Fuck! I miss Grace. You know what, I’m just going to end things here. I’m not doing any more of the announcements. It does appear that I mew=t the quota for talking about sex. Fuck. Oh well. I’m done. Soundman-

(A loud whale noise)

That wasn’t people moving furniture, shareholders. Could it be… No. We’re ending the broadcast early, thus violating my contractual obligation to-

(Another loud whale noise)

Do you think… Soundman, do you think it… no! I’m not going to get my hopes up. I’m going to end this broadcast right here!

(Even louder whale noises)

It has to be her! There’s no other option. It has to be her. I have to break a rule, soundman… um… Fuck Evil. That was weak. Motherfuck Evil!

(loudest whale sound yet followed by heavy footsteps)

Oh, shareholders! It’s her! It’s really her! She came back to us! And she looks sooooo mad through the window here. I forgive you, Grace. Grace… does not look like she’s forgiven me. All the same, I will take the punishment. I’m glad to have you back, Grace. You can be mad at me all you want, but you were the one who abandoned your post. ( a really loud whale sound)

I have to do something to appease her, shareholders. Let’s see here. Evil is like having really tense legs. It’s just awful. Okay, you can’t expect much when I’m working on the fly like this shareholders. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week, we’re taking credit for bananas, eggplants, and coconuts. Really? I mean, that’s what it says on the page. It’s almost like I was supposed to skip it or something. Anyway, we are responsible for those things, so blame us. And if you disagree, we’re going to bury you in those things specifically.

It says that Gavin “The Wrecking Ball” Murray has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. His nemesis is Conestoga Weekend. Is that a person? I have no further information. At any rate, we spun the wheel of misery. It landed on Sweet Stunts. From this day forward, the entity known as Conestoga Weekend will be compelled to complete Sweet Stunts, even at great personal peril. Conestoga Weekend will be unable to stop him-, her, or themselves from doing sweet stunts all the time. This might sound like a cool thing, shareholders, but imagine ollying in the middle of an important job interview. Or doing a backflip when your significant other needs to talk to you about something. For good measure, The Wrecking Ball will be less inclined to do sweet stunts, which, based on his nickname, seems like it may be a problem. Congratulations on the win, and best of luck.

And that brings us to the end of this broadcast, shareholders. Grace is back. I can’t believe it. It’s been months. I’m sure I will hear about everything I’ve done wrong recently, but I don’t care. I missed her. It seems like her expression may have softened just slightly. The numbers are next.

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(Loud whale noise)

Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently thinking about the effects of quantum entanglement on potato chips. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).

Special thanks to Patreon patrons Ian Kroall, Dan Shumway, Patrick Green, Renee Stein, Courtney Campbell, Elizabeth Kreick, and Grace Pegafin. Our Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered learning to hang glide?

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