episodes

56 – Robo-Tango

in which you feel some things, you are still on the lookout for dolls, the Festival of Quiet Evils is recapped, preparations are made for the Celebration of Self Love, we hear from an old friend, and Tilda Meepmeep “wins” the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

Transcription:

What you are about to hear is hot hot fire.

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. My name is Corin Deeth III, and as I am sure you all know by now, I am CEO. How is everyone doing out there? We’re calibrating some new tools that let us know how you’re feeling. If it’s not too much of a bother, would you mind thinking about something soft and cute? Okay, now something sharp and uncomfortable. Now something really tasty in a savory way. Now sex with someone you’re really into. That’s a strong result, shareholders. A solid bar on the screen I’m looking at. You’ve clearly got some practice thinking about that one. Now think about sex with me. Hahaha, that really made a mess of things. Some of you stayed steady at the previous solid bar, naturally, while a few of you quickly tried to change the subject in your own head. You can’t hide from your thoughts, shareholders. At any rate, the device is now calibrated. We’ll have a good idea what you’re thinking and feeling for the rest of today’s broadcast. Maybe afterward as well. We’ll decide how long we want to know how you’re feeling. I’m not actually sure we want to know. We definitely don’t care, but the results may be interesting.

You’re receiving this broadcast via the same device that allows us to monitor your feelings. I can’t say anymore about it right now. It might be outside of your body. Or it might not. To tell you specifically might interfere with how the device works. I understand that suspicion is part of what powers this device. The spec sheet says that the audio quality is, and I’m quoting, “surprisingly good”. Also, I’m told that if I press this button on my desk it’ll give your junk a quick jolt of enjoyment. I’m going to press it… now. Did it work shareholders? Did you get that quick jolt of enjoyment? I am of course just kidding. It would probably cross a number of lines for me to press such a button without asking you first. That being said, the button does exist and it is on my desk, but I did not actually press it. All the same, this device I’ve got you all hooked up to shows that some of you felt it. Interesting result. It also says on this slip of paper that every one of you did opt into being subjected to this device, but you did so through some End User License Agreement that you did not actually read. That’s shady at best, but, that is how we operate. Maybe I’ll push it later. Oh, some of you just felt it again. I assure you I did not press the button. This technology is downright distracting, isn’t it?

Some of you have suggested that we did not actually send anyone a Talking Bernice Doll last time, but instead that we sent you all the much more dangerous Talking Margot Dolls. Don’t be ridiculous shareholders. And please be careful. Some of them did not return to us. I mean, we didn’t pick them up. So they might just be sitting some place ready to startle you passively.

We recently had the Festival of Quiet Evils. Did you enjoy yourselves, shareholders? Did you get in touch with that quiet part inside of you? I know that I did. Upon arriving, you were given pacifiers to remind you not to make sound, and also to give you something to bite down on when terror overtook you. We kept the lights subdued. And then we hid frightening sights wherever we could. If you were standing on the west end of the basement ballroom in a precise location, you could have seen a crack in the ceiling where a small demon-like entity was holding a finger to its lips, asking you to be quiet, and threatening to kill everyone if you make a sound. We have photographs of many of you noticing this creature, the color draining from your faces. In the dark corner on the north end of the room, there was the thing that touched you. I don’t know what it was. We’ve just been calling it “the thing.” If you strayed too close to the shadows, it was bound to touch you. Just, like, on your arm. Some described it as hairy. Others described it as spider-like. In the center of the room, there was an optical illusion that made you think you were falling through the Earth all of a sudden. That was pretty frightening, wasn’t it? There were enough other scares like this to keep you busy for the three hours of the event. During the process, our dominatrices from our Bondage Purgatory led MegaCougars around on leashes, ensuring complete compliance with the rules. The allegations that some of these dominatrices were themselves MegaCougars are totally outrageous. Though some of them are quite experienced. I can tell that some of you were uncomfortable being reminded of everything that happened at this celebration because of the readings I am now getting on my monitor here. Really, shareholders, this is the finest feedback we’ve ever gotten.

Shareholders, it is time once again to prepare for the Celebration of Self Love. The Division of Sexual Experimentation have given me this year’s theme: No Inhibitions. I’ll read you what they wrote. “Celebrate your sexual self to your fullest during this celebration. Recognize yourself as a sexual being. Keep your sexuality with you at all times. It is a part of you, and it is going nowhere. Much like the Evil part of you. Open up your sexuality. And acknowledge what you like.” That seems to be a lot more pleasant than what we usually ask of you. Perhaps they are beginning to listen to the renegade sex toy that they created. It’s running around the country opening minds and orifices. It does seem perhaps a little bit strange to me. Perhaps too strange to be a coincidence. Anyway, I will defer to them on this one. They go further to say, “You are sex. Be sex.” I’ll let you interpret that on your own, shareholders.

It’s been a little while since we’ve heard from one of our clients, shareholders. To change that, I am joined now by Dirk Cornelius Sexplosion, the CEO of GIant Ass Robots, a subsidiary of Giant Ass Things in General. I’m going to just throw out everything else I had to talk about.

DIrk: I’m happy to be here, Corin.
(A pause)
Corin: You alright, Dirk?
Dirk: I’m totally fine, Corin. You have nothing to worry about. This broadcast is going to be perfect.
Corin: You sure?
Dirk: Yes.
Corin: I just want to be certain before we get going here.
DIrk: You have nothing to worry about.
Corin: Just to make sure, I’m going to say a few things before these emotional landmines have a chance to derail our train of thought.
Dirk: Fire away. I’m as emotionally insensitive as ever.
Corin: Puppies. puppppiiieeesss.
Dirk: My eyes… are dry. I have something far too important to discuss today for emotions to get in the way, Corin.
Corin: Are we talking about giant murder robots? Please?
Dirk: No, Corin. No murder robots today. Not even maiming robots or minorly bruising robots.
Corin: Dirk, I have to say that your tone is scaring me a little bit. I mean, I heard some things about you in your absence, but nothing concrete.
Dirk: I am here to talk to you and all of your shareholders about the most serious thing I can think of..
Corin: This… this seems like it’s going to be a downer.
Dirk: Everyone needs to hear this, Corin. It’s important. After we last spoke, I made that sex robot that you explicitly told me to.
Corin: I did no such thing.
DIrk: And that was fun times for a while, Corin. I was in deep. I mean, I was getting off maybe four or five times a day. I hadn’t had that kind of sex drive in over ten years.
Corin: That sounds great.
DIrk: It always starts out that way with robots, doesn’t it. Great.
Corin: Contrary to what some androids would have you believe, I would have no idea.
Dirk: It always starts with bliss and endless orgasms. Just a never ending stream of escalating orgasms. You’d think I was some kind of Super Skeet Bot 9500.
Corin: Ah. You came too much. It happens to the best of us, Dirk. Usually you can just take a day or two off-
Dirk: That’s not it.
Corin: Oh no. Is your… thing okay? Dirk, how’s your penis. Tell me how your penis is. I need to know how your penis is!
Dirk: My penis is fine. A little bruised, maybe, also maybe a steeper bend than before, but otherwise perfectly fine. I learned from my past mistakes and every part of our new CoitusTron 99 is padded with our patented Synth-Vag so you don’t stub your eleventh toe while trying to get some stankie on your hang down. It’s a massive improvement from earlier sex robots, with all of their metal friction and their propensity to break your dick off as a joke. Some people like the feel of rivets and seams, it’s true, but not the average consumer. CoitusTron 99 is the perfect lover. Soft, but firm. Smooth, but not too smooth. Self lubricating. And with two gallons of total ass.
Corin: Back of the napkin calculation here, but that’s a lot of ass.
Dirk: Her personality was so agreeable, Corin. And she made all the right sounds. Like,”oooh”, and “ohhhhh”, and “this is just a little bit uncomfortable size-wise, like not so uncomfortable that I can’t enjoy myself, but you should know that you’re on the bigger side of things.”
Corin: The perfect lady. So what happened?
Dirk: I fell down that hole hard, Corin. I found myself doing little with my time besides the robo-tango down below-low. Hours a day I lost to the horizontal robo-bop with that robot and the several others I made later to satisfy my never ending desire for different shapes and skin tones. Pink and green. Corin, I’m here today to talk about robo-sex addiction.
Corin: I heard that was a myth that high profile people used to explain away getting caught with a robot.
Dirk: And how good were those robots then, Corin?
Corin: They were clunky and metal and ugly.
Dirk: Those people probably were lying, and we’ve come so far, Corin. The robots now are like real human beings, but better. Anyone can fall for them. Anyone can experience what I did. Also, it helps if you have a big emotional hole to fill.
Corin: I’m surprised I haven’t heard more about this, Dirk.
Dirk: Not many people have, Corin. Falling down the robo hole is a long and lonely journey of shame. Many have gone through what I have, like at least eight other people in the company who got the tester models, but few are willing to talk about this. I spent so much time with these robo-respectable-ladies-and-gents I had to step down as CEO of Giant-Ass Robots to Kick In Your Face, Corin. I had to step down because I was having too much sex with eager nymphrobots designed with all of my sickest fantasies in mind. Like all the butt stuff and all that front stuff, and the stuff where i’m face down and they’re slapping my taint with a bamboo rod. I had to turn over my title to ExecuBot. ExecuBot, Corin. Despite his name, he doesn’t execute living things, he acts as an executive. Executing small animals is just his hobby. He just has to do all his executive actions from outside the building because he’s a giant damn robot. He has his board meetings through windows. Just peeking in the window.
Corin: Where were your loved ones during this crisis, Dirk? Your wives and husband?
Dirk: My wives were involved with AppleBottomLer. And their own CoitusTron 99. And a Mr. Robo Good Dick. It was a family affair, Corin.
Corin: Your husband? Was he sucked into all of this as well?
Dirk: He doesn’t like robots. He tried to save us, Corin. But not even our love was strong enough. He went to stay with his sisters for a while.
Corin: Just how long is a while? How long did this go on, Dirk?
Dirk: Well, it started a few weeks after we spoke last until sometime last week.
Corin: This ended a week ago?
Dirk: Well, six days ago.
Corin: That was a year and a half ago, Dirk! Are you kidding me?
Dirk: This is deadly serious, Corin! I have to help those out there who need help. In the time I was dealing with this addiction, I couldn’t do Evil, Corin. I couldn’t do any Evil. And I know that there are shareholders and employees of your company out there that are struggling to do Evil right now because they’re too busy getting the bottom knocked out of them by a robo-ramrod. They can’t do Evil because of robo-sex addiction. You want that Evil, Corin. You need that Evil.
Corin: You know what, Dirk? You’re right. I’m sorry for not taking this more seriously. What can we do to help?
Dirk: Well, if you know someone who’s struggling with robo-sex addiction, it is important not to approach them while they’re involved with the robot. There could be rocket launchers in that thing. Also, some positions and techniques require total focus or the results can be catastrophic.
Corin: So we wait until they’re done.
Dirk: That might be anywhere from minutes to weeks later. In the deepest part of my addiction, I was on the edge of orgasm for seventeen days. That robot… every little thing she did was magic, Corin.
Corin: So you might have to wait a while. Then what?
Dirk: Then you have to take hold of your loved ones, look them deep in the eyes, and fuck them. Like only a human can. Just remind them what imperfect bodies and imperfect skin and imperfect sexual apparati can do. Or get someone else to fuck them. Hire a ringer if you have to.
Corin: Your husband.
Dirk: Antonio came back and gave me the fucking of my life, Corin. Fucked our wives, then me. Snapped us all out of it long enough to lock me and Esmerelda and Raquel away for a couple of days with only each other for bopping squiddles.
Corin: Is that an important part of the process?
Dirk: You gotta keep ‘em away from robots until they can get the robo-lovin’ out of their system, Corin. It’s not going to be easy. They’re going to bargain with you. They’re going to throw up on everything. But in time, they’ll get off the ro-boning.
Corin: But what if they don’t want to have sex with you after being kept on the edge of orgasm for seventeen days?
Dirk: Then you have to wait until they’re ready, but you let them know you’re there and ready for sex when they need it.
Corin: That sounds like a waiting game.
Dirk: It can take a while, Corin. But as long as there is one person on this planet who isn’t robo-sex addicted, then there’s hope. I am proof that healing is possible. I start work again tomorrow.
Corin: Is that smart, Dirk? I mean, there’s all those robots. And you guys are still producing the very robots that caused you this trouble. We can of course appreciate the hypocrisy, but what about the personal peril?
Dirk: I’ll be fine, Corin. I’ve been having sex with only humans for a few days now.
Corin: So… what about the robot sitting on your lap right now?
Dirk: It’s called exposure therapy, Corin. I’m fine!
Corin: Oh… okay, Dirk. I look forward to your new projects.
Dirk: Me too, Corin. Me too! I’m back, Corin! Dirk is back! HAHAHAHAHA!
Corin: Thank you for joining us.

In the interest of time, I will say this: We’re taking credit for dry rivers, shallow internet journalism, and the deepest parts of the ocean. Also, Tilda Meepmeep won the Ruin-A-Life drawing and she selected ColbyJack Dwitzerland as her nemesis. His life will be ruined via papery skin, and Tilda will be uncomfortable touching paper for good measure.

And that brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. You will not destroy your radio today. Primarily because we’re not done testing it. I’m going to press the button now, shareholders. Oh, man, some of you are so suggestible. I’m not going to push the button. On purpose. That said, this desk can get kind of cluttered, so who knows what will fall or be carelessly set on top of the button. The numbers are next. They’re… pointier than usual.

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Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently chewing a mouth full of gum. Special Guest appearance in this episode by Anwar Newton. You can hear more from him on Twitter @TheAnwarNewton. That’s Anwar A-N-W-A-R. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).

Special thanks to Patreon patrons Ian Kroall, Dan Shumway, Patrick Green, Renee Stein, Courtney Campbell, Elizabeth Kreick, and Vael Victus. Our Patreon patrons are the best. If you want a thank you in the credits or other great rewards that help to keep this show running, please head to Kakosindustries.com/patreon. That’s Patreon p-a-t-r-e-o-n.

If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered making a nice curry? That sounds delicious right now.

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