episodes

49 – Salvage

in which the crew is still in Junior’ Lair, your feet feel tingly, the Celebration of Ass goes off without a hitch, Kiarawa puts on her own celebrations above, Brosephus is rescued, and a hunk of metal drags itself into the cave. Do Evil Better.

Transcription:

What you are about to hear is sound of some sort.

Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. I am Corin Deeth III, CEO. Shareholders, we’re still in Junior’s lair. It’s starting to feel like home a little bit.

Junior: I could say just the opposite!

We’ll be out of your way soon, Junior. I hope. Anyway, a few of the staff have reverted to cave dwellers. They’re painting the walls, fashioning clubs, and wearing the skins of animals. They even pretend that they don’t understand complex speech. Really, this process should have taken a lot longer and I’m beginning to suspect that they were just itching for an excuse to go back to a time before spreadsheets. I suppose now is as good a time as any, from their perspective, and why not be your authentic self when doom might be around the corner. I certainly can’t blame them. I can punish them, though. While I understand their thoughts here, I cannot allow them to continue this behavior. There are spreadsheets. So many spreadsheets. Spreadsheets of war. And they need handling. Get back to work! I’ll get the prod, you lazy assholes! This is civilization! Do what society requires or get murdered!

My paperwork here tells me that today’s broadcast is coming to you from a pleasant rumbling in your feet. Our scientists have apparently put something in your feet that can transmit audio to your ears, all while giving you a nice, albeit aggressive, foot massage. If you could see these devices that were no doubt installed while you were unconscious, you would see the label “Shareholders’ Emergency Radio Receiver System 928.” That is a frustrating mystery indeed, and I believe it may have to remain one without closure for you shareholders. The description for this radio indicates that the driver “gets you a-wigglin’, the wigglin’ gets you a-groovin’, the groovin’ warms your belly, and your belly amplifies these sounds that you’re hearing.” Interesting work they’ve put together here. Older shareholders will be working with the 1.0 of this device. Younger shareholders have the model 1.3. There is only a limited difference between the two, and anything bad that might happen to you because of the devices has likely already occurred. For now, sit back and just enjoy that foot rub.

We managed to nip the Celebration of Oh Hell, Who Gives a Shit in the bud. It was looking like it might be awful for morale, so we cancelled it. It was a somewhat liberating experience, I will say. Even though this Celebration was, I’m certain, created by the gentleman who had wrapped himself around my leg the last time, or some of his collaborators, Grace Rule would have forced me to follow through with it. The man was from the Division of Dionysia, one of the divisions that organizes our festivals. What they say tends to go. But the important detail here is that Grace is still missing, wrestling with her own conscience I assume. So I can just do whatever I want. Break contracts left and right. Where is she to argue with me? So we pulled up a list of emergency festivals, those that we keep handy in case we need an extra or can’t fulfill another for any reason. We decided on the Celebration of Ass. I’ll skip the official description and just tell you what happened. We built a makeshift stage down here in Junior’s lair. We got our sound system set up. We played some clubby music, which Soundman Steven assured me was awful and an embarrassment to electronic music everywhere. Then we got busy celebrating the ass. We had dance-offs and group numbers. We shook it hard, shareholders. And to fill in the gaps in your mental image, many of the dancers we have available to us in Junior’s lair are middle-aged, perhaps a little pudgy, on the pasty side of whatever their natural skin tone offers, and not particularly fit apart from all of that. But that did not stop them from getting up on the stage and shaking what their mother gave them until they were hitting the audience in the face with their projectile sweat. It was glorious.

Coming up, we have the Celebration of Wallowing in Self Pity. That’s what this soup of paper says. The same man from last time have me this note. Then he sprawled over the table in front of me. He’s even touching the back of his hand to his forehead to emphasize how distraught he is. I still don’t know his name and he is virtually nonresponsive. I’ve set all of my notes on top of him. I’m just going to cancel this celebration now. We’ll figure something out.

For those of you who keep accurate calendars at home, we should have just wrapped up the Festival of Unimaginable Horror. I was reminded of this fact because it seems that Kiarawa put the festival together on her own many floors above us. I know this because there was a period of maybe four hours a few days ago that was just filled with screams. More than I had ever heard before. And from a great distance. Their screams seemed to echo down the halls, and down the stairwells, and through the tunnels leading here. Without the proper equipment, I can’t know if these screams were real, or if they were just an attempt to include us in the Festival. It was an uncomfortable couple of hours, but it was quickly drowned out by the sound of our generic club music. If Kiarawa is intent on keeping up with the regularly scheduled Kakos Industries celebrations, then she might have the Festival of Adorableness coming up. That’s assuming there haven’t been any new rules. I’d like to see what she does with that. Or more accurately, what is done to her during that celebration. I don’t think I have to remind you what they did to me last year, shareholders. The idea just struck me that perhaps I should consider this time in Junior’s lair as a vacation from the worst parts of my duties as CEO. I suppose that dealing with this war is probably one of those worst parts, and one of the worst of the worst at that, so perhaps this is not a true vacation.

I bet that some of you are wondering what happened to Brosephus in all of this. Well, we just recently rescued him from the upper levels. It was part of another maneuver that didn’t entirely go to plan, but we did get him back. It appears that his services as Executive Friender were needed above. He tells me that his friendship information is strictly confidential, but my sources tell me that he was hanging out and playing video games with none other than Lady Kiarawa. That would have to be a quick judgment by the powers that be that she needed someone to help her relax, but this gives us valuable information. Perhaps this insurrection has taken its toll on her mental health. Perhaps her efforts to control everything with such might are really efforts to control herself. And now I’ve taken something from her. I’ve taken Brosephus back. He tells me that he wants to introduce me to tabletop RPGs. This is primarily because we don’t have a video game system here to kill zombies with. We’ll see how that goes.

The people around me seem to be doing alright. They are moving crates of supplies, reinforcing our entry ways, politely patting each other on the bottom. There is a spirit of teamwork, even if so many of us feel doomed. Perhaps the Festival of Ass really boosted morale. We were able to express ourselves. We were able to express our asses. There has also been a lot of hooking up. And not a whole lot of commitment either. Just people helping each other to pass the time and keep their spirits up. I am compelled to tell you that the two men that got together during the last broadcast have since gone through several other partners each. They decided to keep things casual for now so long as jealousy isn’t an issue. I’ll be keeping an eye on Tim and Kyle, though. I know this romance is destined to be. In other news, Kimmie, from the couple that we all loved so much, and Kiarawa saw fit to destroy, has moved down here with us. She’s not doing a hell of a lot, but I guess she felt like the setting fit her mood more. She’s been having sex with pretty much everyone, too. Grieving can be a strange thing.

Kiarawa has been looking through the notes I’ve left up above to try and find something I love to destroy, I am told. She… um… she found my favorite tree and cut it down. She’s apparently ordered a lot of the pieces to be sculpted and lacquered. She made them into… large sized butt plugs. It was a good tree. I would sometimes sit under it and think about things. I don’t often find myself in nature on purpose, but I did like that tree. Tree, I am sorry. You deserved better. When I get back in power, I will find the remaining pieces of you, I will do whatever I have to do to get them back, and I will give you a proper burial. For Evil.

And on that note I am pleased to tell you that I recently got a letter indicating support from one of the exectopode. It was signed with an inky suction cup shape. This is interesting news, shareholders. Perhaps Kiarawa’s Evil isn’t so great after all. The letter indicated that I have to keep this exectopus’s identity a secret, but I’m not really that great at telling them apart anyway. Of course, all of this could just be a ploy to make Kiarawa paranoid. Knowing that one of her most adamant supporters is now mine. Who could it be? What action could they take to undermine her? I will be curious to find out, myself.

I’ve got some news from our secret agents topside. They tell me that they’ve been spying on Kiarawa in her private time. Um… in the bathroom. Anyway, what they’ve found is…

(robotic footsteps)

Corin: Oh, my Evilness… Helena?
Helena: Hello, Corin.
Corin: You look like crap. Are you damaged?
Helena: I am operating at 47% functionality.
Corin: That’s not good. You look like you’re going to fall apart!
Helena: You should see the other guy. I neutralizéd 230 threats on my way here. 229 people, and one menacing water fountain.
Corin: Well, there are no threats here. Please rest. If that’s something you’re supposed to do.
Helena: Thank you.
Corin: One of those threats didn’t happen to be a dragon, did it? Like a dragon with tentacles?
Helena: I was unable to defeat Sir Gimerochon.
Corin: Its name is Sir Gimerochon? Does everything have to have such a fancy name?
Helena: Don’t be an insensitive asshat.
Corin: Thank you, Helena. That was a close one. And thank you for taking down so many threats. I hope that they were all actually on Kiarawa’s side. I heard that you were imprisoned.
Helena: I was capturéd and put inside of a cement bunker somewhere on floor 33. They didn’t give me my charging station, Corin. I was unable to rest.
Corin: You couldn’t recharge?
Helena: I could not rest.
Corin: That’s awful. How did you get down here then? How did you escape?
Helena: My emergency functions took over.
Corin: I’m afraid to ask.
Helena: When they came into the bunker to check on me, I producéd two small wires that attached to the people in the bunker. I made them my charging station, Corin.
Corin: And they’re dead now, I’m assuming.
Helena: When I had finishéd, I ended their remaining signs of life. They are traitors, Corin. They deserve what happens to them.
Corin: I suppose that’s true. Do you have any new intel for us? What is she planning next? Our spies seem to be more interested in creeping than spying.
Helena: I overheard that she was planning to close the Division of Incredibly Boring Things.
Corin: No!
Helena: And then she wants to fire the remaining employees out of a cannon into a lake.
Corin: The friendly lake or the unfriendly lake?
Helena: The unfriendly lake.
Corin: Oh. That’s not going to go well for them. That lake is seriously unfriendly. We have most of the Division of Incredibly Boring Things here, though. How do you guys feel about cloning? I’m going to estimate that their average response was something like a shrug. We can work with that.
Helena: I will need to rest again, Corin. And soon.
Corin: Does anyone know how to make a charging station? We’ll figure this out Helena. We can’t lose anyone.
Helena: We need the madman.
Corin: Dr. Dunkelwissen? But how do we get in touch with him?
Helena: He will come looking for me.
(A door opens)
Corin: Okay, a door into the lair here has opened. Was that door there before? Anybody know? And why is there so much light coming from the doorway? I mean it’s dim in here, but that’s just a silhouette. It does look vaguely like Dr. Dunkelwissen. Doing some sort of jazz pose.
Helena: It is him, Corin. I have to go now.
(We hear the sounds of scratching as Helena drags herself to the door)
Junior: Just going to drag yourself across my fucking floor, huh? I know it’s a cave, but I try to keep things nice.
Helena: He’s probably going to install more sexual appliances. My feelings on that matter are… neutral.
(More dragging sounds)
Junior: Just leaving a rut.
Corin: We’ll fix your floors later, Junior.
Helena: Goodbye for now, Corin. We will have sex soon.
Corin: Oh, um…
Junior: Are you hitting that? Nice.
Corin: Why, are you into robots?
Junior: She’s obviously a cyborg. Only a fool wouldn’t know the difference. And yes, I’m into that. Who wouldn’t be.

Shareholders, that brings us to the end of today’s broadcast. The man on my desk here hasn’t moved at all. The Damnation and Ruination Squad have been quiet, and Grace isn’t here to make me take credit for anything. So there. Our great plans to overthrow Kiarawa didn’t work out, and Junior’s latest plan needs more preparation. So I leave you pretty much where I left you last. Except it smells a whole lot more like sex in here. Bet that’s a new smell for this lair, huh, Junior?

Junior: Hey!
Corin: How about some numbers?
Junior: I suppose I can do that. Let’s see. 9. 99. 999. 9,999. 10,000. HA HA HA HO! HA HO! HO HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!

Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently facing her worst fear. Special guest appearance in this episode by Lindsey Forry. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).

If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered kayaking?

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