What you are about to hear may cause itchiness.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries we help you to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO. Shareholders, I apologize if I seem a little bit unprepared today. You see, I’ve spent the time since the last broadcast alternatingly being a captive, anti-celebrating, and negotiating for the immigration of hundreds of humans that have been trapped inside of some sort of time-warpey thing for what was decades of our time, but thousands of years in their time. As I understand it, it was an experiment into what would happen if we set aside a population of people in a Kakos Industries Time Pseudo-Dilation Chamber and let them just evolve for a long time. The problem with this experiment, beside the piss-poor scientific explanation, is that we seem to have completely forgotten about it. A year or two of observation would have been plenty to get an idea of what would happen, and maybe a decade to get some data on evolution. I do not know if this is one of those situations where the scientist in charge died, and everyone else thought that someone else would take care of it or what. Maybe there’s a note on someone’s calendar reminding them to check in in another couple of years to see if the division of labor had been manifested as legitimate genetic differentiation. I’ll spoil you the ending on that one. There isn’t a bigger, hairier group, and there isn’t a small and delicious group. They all appear to be about the same. Our anthropologists have hypothesized that this group of people could not drift that far over time because the Time Pseudo-Dilation Chamber isn’t large enough. I mean, it’s positively tiny from our perspective, but from inside, there’s really only enough land and resources to sustainably support maybe five-hundred people. They also lack many of the resources to bring about many of the technological leaps we enjoy today. They have computing technology for sure, but it’s not what you would expect Moore’s law to bring about by any means. At any rate, there won’t be much news from Kakos Industries today because I don’t know any of it.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from Coffin Acoustics’ Resonant Coffin. It was originally designed as a way to make sure that the dead were not screaming themselves back to life. You see, the wood is so perfectly resonant that any sounds made inside will reverberate and amplify such that anyone listening above ground would hear them, even through six feet of dirt. Well, the dead have not screamed themselves back to life yet, and Coffin Acoustics have only prevented one person from suffocating underground, so they had a surplus. We have placed a small transmitter and speaker inside the coffin, which should effectively produce a much larger sound. I do not have any more details than that, but I am told that the device will produce frequencies much lower than humans can hear. It’s important that you feel these announcements, I guess.
The black friday death toll was low, but the misery toll was high. Well done. Also, we made a lot of money off of those batons. Good times.
According to this new rule book, Kakos Industries Rules and Regulations Volume 11, the Festival of Ballooning was, and I’m quoting here, “brutally murdered and then set ablaze.” So I guess we won’t be doing that one this year. In its place, we have the Festival of Cloud Watching. It says in the book that we should use the Kakulonimbus Device to control the weather and produce some especially provocative clouds over the Kakos Industries lawns. Does that device exist? I don’t know. I’ve never heard of it. This book keeps calling shots, but I think they must have been making stuff up. Anyway, it’s probably not too far out of our reach to make such a device, so we’ll see what happens. Otherwise, we’ll just have to watch clouds and use our imaginations. Our dirty, dirty imaginations.
Personally, I’m not against letting the people out of the Time Pseudo-Dilation Chamber or even finding them a place to live and work here at Kakos Industries. The idea that some of them might be terrorists that’s getting spread around the office isn’t frightening so much as it is exciting. Maybe they’ll have formulated a new form of terrorism that we haven’t experienced before. That’s worth losing a couple of employees for. Also, it is kind of our fault that they’re stuck in there. We’re not allowed to make negotiations easy, though. For example, if they asked for freedom, and we’re not particularly opposed to it, then we might respond with “freedom, but you have to let our doctors give you rectal exams every week.” It’s not necessary, and, believe me, no one would enjoy it, but it’s the kind of thing we have to do. Unfortunately, they keep asking for total surrender of Kakos Industries and its assets, which is not something we’re willing to do. I am then required, by our rules of negotiation, to worsen the deal that I offer them every time. The offer on the table now is that they have to submit to rectal examination, share bunks with two other people that they’re not attracted to, give us a single tooth of their choice, applaud whenever a Kakos Industries employee enters the room, take only cold showers, and occasionally fully submerge their bodies in liquid so we can get an accurate measure of their total volume. Again, none of this is necessary, it’s just that we can’t be nice. It’s company policy. Each time I respond with a counter offer, their... negotiator scoffs, and demands control of the company again.
In order to understand what’s going on with this group, we have to understand something of their culture. Our best estimations are that the original seed population was given specific instructions by those controlling the experiment, but that the message was warped and changed in time into some sort of faith. The way they speak of “Kakos” shows a reverence and fear that few here in the company can understand. Kakos is the creator, and the destroyer. Kakos is the infinite. Kakos is the blind god of all. And they say all of that through the strangest accent. What they speak is technically English, but it is a dialect separated by thousands of years. None of them will permit me to record a sample. The… negotiator won’t even speak to me. To give you an idea, imagine a language just constructed out of the most embarrassing sounds you can imagine wrapped around vaguely familiar English words. It is not easy to hear, nor does it appear to be easy to speak. My assessment is that it represents thousands of years of believing Evil to be the only force of the Universe. We’ve begun to offer them free language courses, which we’re allowed to do because it serves our selfish intentions. There’s no reason to lose their language, or its thousands of years of poetry, but we want to stop laughing at them. It really hurts our diplomatic relations.
The… um… negotiator has placed a new offer on the desk here. She’s been in the studio the whole time, by the way. Just watching me. Intensely. I’m still technically a captive. It’s annoying, but everyone here at Kakos Industries seems to derive some pleasure from me being treated this way, so no one has attempted to help me at all. That’s not true. Soundman Steven, who may honestly be too good to work here, did attempt to free me at some point, but he ended up getting beaten up a little. He’s giving me an Okay sign from the booth. I appreciate what you do for me, Soundman. We’ll get you some new gear. Oh, he likes the sound of that. Anyway, the offer. Let’s see. Total surrender of the company, never ending servitude of yours truly, and some hair braiding. My hair? Your hair? Her hair is really short, like outer space dystopia short. I suppose it doesn’t matter because I’m not going to give over control of the company. I mean, it’s not just up to me, anyway. Let’s see, what do I want to add to my counter offer this time. You know, they might just have to give up on having right eyebrows. I’m starting to feel really gross about this. We’re used to denying people human rights, for sure, but we’ve just got them so pinned here that it’s only going to get worse. It’s not a challenge. It’s just kind of sad. I’m trying to picture Bel- I mean, the negotiator without one of her eyebrows. It’s not a great look, but it works, I guess.
Grace Rule is peering in through the window. If you’re a new shareholder, then you should know that she is the contracts master here at Kakos Industries. She makes sure we do our jobs to the letter of their description. And in this case, I feel like she might be telling me I’m not being fully honest with you. Well, I’ll just read you the transcript of the conversation that reveals all, ‘cause, you know, my captor here insists on writing everything down. I started out soft. “Are you Belladonnica, like a grown lady Belladonnica? Like a make-Corin-feel-weird-for-being-in-compromising-situations Belladonnica? Like an I’m-not-sure-I-can-ever-wash-this-off Belladonnica? Like an I’ve-sinned-and-must-be-purged-from-the-Earth mutant-growth-spurt-one-year-old? Please tell me I'm not disgusting. Please.” I suppose my emotions were riding kind of high. She responded, “I am an adult. I am your age exactly. I am your equal in every way. You will be mine. I will destroy you.” And then she added, “I have not used that name in some time.” At this point, I’m justifiably freaking out. I asked “Are you an infant-in-an-adult-woman’s-body Belladonnica? Like an I-grew-up-really-fast-and-I-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing-and-cannot-understand-consequences Belladonnica?” She shook her head and wrote, “I have lived just as long as you have. I have lived fully. I have had a full education. I have had many lovers. I am your equal in every way. You will be mine. I will destroy you.” I then said, “But you were born last year.” It’s not really a question, but she responded anyway. “I have lived many years outside of your concept of time. Mother was afraid for me. She was afraid of me becoming something terrible. Too much Evil. She searched for solutions in the home of the Kakos. She found a door. The door led to another place. A peaceful place. With sufficient Evil to sustain me. To wean me.” Shareholders, I would like to just tell you that the door she’s talking about is RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO THE FUCKING MYSTERY CONTRAPTION but none of us could see it due to our obsession blinders. She continues, “We came to the new land. Mother found a new love and remarried. I had two more siblings. Then, I wandered off. Do not question my intentions. It was predestined that I should wander. I am the Usper, the one who shall topple the Skeeyo, the commander of the Kakos. I shall harness the Kakos and use it for the benefit of all the Sudodilatese. In the home of the Kakos, I met the Skeeyo, and the Rule. But I was unprepared for my task. My form was young, and weak. My mind was Evil, but my reach fell short. My minions prefered the taste of sweet treats to victory. I returned to the world mother had taken me to. Too much time had passed. She was no longer there, but my great great grand nieces and nephews took me in and raised me as their own. They raised me to be the Usper. They raised me to fight for freedom. I studied. I trained. I must defeat the powerful Skeeyo. I must defeat the Evil Skeeyo. I must defeat the beautiful Skeeyo. I must defeat the sensuous Skeeyo. When the moment of parity arrived, we emerged from our home to take what was ours.“ If you’re playing along at home, that’s when she kidnapped me. Honestly, the actions she has taken so far are only “vaguely threatening” by our standards, so we can’t even really retaliate yet, even if it’s clear that they mean to do us harm. The nano robots that usually deal with intruders filled with ill will haven’t done anything to Belladonnica, or whatever she goes by now, or any of her troops either. In fact, I only counted around 16 people with her. Even if they’re all super-assassins, I’m confident we could handle them quickly. Something about this doesn’t seem quite right. Also, I should mention that the passage of time in the Psuedo-Dilation chamber does not seem to be linear compared to our time. I’ve been told it might be something to do with a faulty power supply.
Belladonnica has placed another note on my desk. It says, “Give me your company, please.” Well, the “please” is a nice addition. She is capable of different tactics afterall. I’ve offered to free your people, and to give them jobs, and to train them to speak in a way that doesn’t embarrass everyone. What else could you want? She’s pointing to the words “your company” on the previous statement. You know I can’t do that. Here’s another statement. “I am the Usper. You are the Skeeyo. I must destroy you and take what’s mine.” That’s just not going to happen, Belladonnica. She has written, “It must!” Or what, huh? What will happen if you don’t take me down? Shareholders, her two guards in the room with us here have drawn long blades from under their cloaks. They won’t kill me, Belladonnica. They can’t. I mean, it’s pretty clear that you like me or something, and probably in a weird or obsessed sort of way. She’s writing something. It says, “Not you”. The men are approaching Belladonnica. Grace has now pressed her face up against the window to the studio here. Well figure something out, Grace! The men have seized Belladonnica. They are holding those blades to her throat. She’s bleeding. It’s red, shareholders. I won the fucking bet. Suck it Soundman! No time for rejoicing! Let her go! I won’t sign anything if you kill her. Just give us a minute to figure something out! They are nodding, but they have not released her. Grace has disappeared from the window. The pressure is on. Let me read these other sections and maybe we’ll have a solution.
They say that when the going gets tough, the tough are the first to be culled. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week, we’re taking credit for that meme you really hate, that social app that everyone uses that you really hate, and Internet induced loneliness. If you happen to disagree that we’re responsible for those things, then prepare to lose a lot of followers, subscribers, friends, and family. Take that how you will.
The winner of this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing is Benny The Pussy Master. Is that really his name? His legal name? You’ve got to be kidding me. In the slot for nemesis, he wrote, “I love to slay that pussy.” Shareholders, this is why we don’t recommend doing anything as a joke around here. We’re not at liberty to just ignore this. We can’t roll our eyes at Mr. The Pussy Master and move on with our lives. He won fair and square. But a sentence can’t be a target. After considering for a moment, Benny decided that he might like to ruin the life of his elementary school teacher from long ago that caused so much insecurity later in life. Fine. We spun the Wheel of Misery. It arrived at “Difficulty with Words.” From now on, Benny’s elementary school teacher will have a lot of difficulty with words. That will make teaching difficult. For good measure, if Benny ever thinks the words “I love to slay that pussy” ever again, then his head might explode. Good luck, and congratulations on the win.
And that brings us to the end of the announcements. Hurry up, Grace. You can hold onto the coffin until you need it. Just keep it around. Waiting. The numbers are next.
Okay, I’ve got a new contract from Grace here. My captors seem to find it agreeable. I’ll just put my mark on it, no time to lose. Oh fuck, Grace. What did you make me do?
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently crushing on Gillian Anderson. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered applying ice to the burn?