What you are about to hear is some dope shit. Na’mean?
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries we help you to Do Evil Better. I am Corin Deeth III, CEO. Are you enjoying the eighth day of Halloween, shareholders? Yes, today is our eighth celebration. You might be thinking to yourselves, “I’m pretty sure he said there would only be seven celebrations, and really only six of them were real.” Well, that’s true. I did say that. But what I didn’t account for was that our specially designed Halloween enhancing drug might not wear off when we had intended, and that we would have to scramble together another celebration because the last one hadn’t concluded properly. If you took this drug as instructed yesterday, then there is a high probability that you are still feeling the lingering effects of it. You might be seeing things, or feeling things, but the excitement of the initial effects has likely faded, and what you are left with is something that is darker and tired. An experience that aches and drags its feet. Things are still not as they seem, but instead retain only part of what made them so great only hours ago. It is one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life for sure. (Laugh Track). And then there’s the laugh track. I am ostensibly the only person in the upper levels of the building right now, except for Soundman Steven, who I found curled in a ball in his booth a few minutes before this broadcast. So there is no one to laugh at me, or the witty things I say… Or my pain (laugh track). Thanks. Thanks, guys.
Many of you are listening to this broadcast through the intercom in the basement ballroom as a scheduled break in the festivities. Others of you made it home, or were perhaps too partied out from the first several parties to make it yesterday. Those of you who are not with us still are getting this broadcast on a crudely carved jack-o’-lantern with some sort of speaker device inside. As I understand it, this entire project was delegated to the Guild of Transmission as the Division of Radio Transmission was too busy freaking out in the basement ballroom. I don’t know what they had planned for today, as I’m assuming they need more than a day or two to get these things together, but this is what we have to work with. The spec sheet here says “We’re terribly sorry” and gives no further details. I hope that it is at least well constructed. I haven’t even seen a test model to approve or even examine. It’s just really not that great and I’m a little embarrassed (Laugh Track).
The first five Halloween celebrations went off without a hitch. I can take some pride in that. (boo). Day 1, as you know, was Witches. I know that quite a few of you dress like witches in your day to day life as it is, but there’s always something that you have to rein in a little to make yourself presentable to the rest of the world. Not so at this celebration. Hats, broomsticks, dark makeup, and one of you even tried to cook a child, which we don’t really allow anymore. I mean, there’s a reason we came up with the child-safe tofu-alternative. I am told that people who know the difference can’t tell the difference. I am not one of those people. Having found the upper limit to what we will allow at a witch celebration, we were able to get on with the party and have a really good time. We did some symbolic spells using various spices and difficult to acquire ingredients. We made puffs of smoke. We made weird smells. We made strange fire. Some of you rode broomsticks. Others still straddled broomsticks and ran around the room making whooshing noises without putting the broomsticks inside of their bodies. We gave out the prize for the best hat, and we got ready for the next celebration. Day 2 was the pumpkin celebration. We suggested that you come in a pumpkin costume, but many of you just came wearing pieces of pumpkin in what was an obvious attempt at the most excuses for wardrobe malfunctions. You’re a bunch of exhibitionists, you are. At any rate, this celebration turned into a a lot of sex in pumpkin guts way faster than we had anticipated. I mean, you guys didn’t even try any of the pumpkin pies, first. Just got right into the sex. You know what I did? I had some pie first, like a reasonable person. How often do you really get to eat pumpkin pie, huh? And feel good about it? And you squandered it to get to the sex faster. When people were done fucking in the pumpkin muck, we got to the carving contest. Nothing takes the edge off of questionable sexual decisions quite like carving into a pumpkin that has been genetically reprogrammed to fight back. Many of you were naked at this point, exposing sensitive areas to these mischievous pumpkins, which was a mistake. I mean, I enjoyed the view, but watch out for the teeth, you know? Anyway, I think I ate a whole pie by myself. (Laugh Track). That’s not funny. Day 3 was Demons from around the world. We saw some judeo-christian demons. Some Asian demons. Some African demons. Some Native American Demons. And even a couple of demons we had never heard of before. I mean, there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t make stuff up on your own if you want. We gave out a cool prize for the best costume. And then we gave it to someone who was actually wearing a costume. I’m sorry Balthazaar, but you know how you look. On Day 4, many of you arrived wearing costumes of Things that You Hate. We got a lot of retail workers, telemarketers, public servants, CEOs, celebrities, and there was even one woman who was dressed as me as far as I could tell, and she then proceeded to flirt with me all night. Kind of mixed signals there. Day 5 was lingerie and let me just say that it was excellent. I would put the average quality somewhere above regular nudity, which is pretty outstanding, really. We had to give some dudes in silk boxers other things to wear, but not as many as we might have expected, so thank you for taking this seriously. Many of you took the opportunity to talk technique as you admired the outfits of the other attendees. We really had the opportunity to ask ourselves whether it might actually be better to conceal a few things rather than reveal everything right away. The least area covered award went to a woman wearing only a fake mustache on her upper lip. The most complex lingerie award went to a man who seemed to be wearing only a single strap, but that strap was woven into an intricate pattern that covered most of his body. I would also like to thank you for taking up our team of volunteer waxing technicians on their offer to do basically anything you wanted. You see, they do it for free because they love to see the pain on your face. One of you showed up for the Candy Corn celebration on Day 6. Why? Anyway, this individual, who shall remain nameless at this time, did like candy corn, and as a result, they were forced to eat so much of it that they would never like it again. They had just a big bowl of candy corn and a pitcher of tap water, and they had to get through all of it while they watched us set up for day 7. I cannot even imagine what that shit must have been like. That brings us to Day 7, The Day. Halloween. You know. It was a blast. I’m having a hard time remembering it fondly now, though, because of the hallucinations I am still having a day later (laughter). I’m not even sure that I’m talking into a microphone right now (laughter). It looks like Soundman Steven has curled into a ball on the floor of his booth again (laughter). I cannot even imagine the horrors that plague him. So what do I remember from yesterday… I remember beautiful people in extremely realistic costumes. I remember fun music. I remember a tasteful amount of sex, by our standards. I’m sure I’ll look back at this more fondly in the future. As soon as the hallucinations stop. (Laugh track).
Coming up, we have the Festival of Anti-Celebration. As you are well aware, this is the celebration where we take the time to not take the coming holiday season too seriously. This celebration lasts as long as we need it to, and it should remind us that we don’t have to get swept up in the current of holiday bullshit. In the northern hemisphere, it’s getting darker outside, literally and probably a little bit figuratively if we’re doing our job right, and it’s also getting colder. In more traditional civilizations, the last harvest will be coming up soon. And then we begin the literal and metaphorical dark of winter. It is no surprise that we take this opportunity to celebrate family, and food, and relationships, and support networks, because otherwise the circumstances might be enough to drive a hairless ape mad. But then we tend to take those celebrations, and turn them into obligations, which can only enhance the isolation of the cold season. We may be responsible for that. Sorry. Anyway, when Evil begins to affect Evil, the outcome can be unpredictable. Take this opportunity to brace yourself.
I haven’t heard from Melantha since the companies were divided. I’ve tried reaching out to see how things are progressing. I worry a little bit. Kakos Industries is, of course, the biggest and baddest of big bads, but having Melantha and her company around helps to keep us sharp. I really hope that they get things back together again soon so we can get back to beating them at everything.
I have word that the renegade sex toy from the Division of Sexual Experimentation has been, and I’m quoting here, “making good progress through the human population.” (Laugh Track) I firmly believe that the DSE is taking this deadly seriously, but perhaps they also find it hard not to root for this humble robot on a mission to cure the world of its sexual hangups. It is diagnosing problems of repression, oppression, suppression, and aggression in the general population, and then treating those problems with extraordinarily intense, mind-altering pleasure. The goal is not to treat the individuals, but to make a dent in the societal ills surrounding topics of sexuality. The downside is that this was not our idea at all, but rather the idea of the robot given too much free will, and also that we are no longer in control of its actions (laughter). I am told that the support networks surrounding the women in our study have been steadily improving in their openness, but there has also been a perhaps awkward moment when some of our test subjects have found that their parents have opened their marriages, and begun to experiment. Some of our test subjects had to be brought in for more treatments so they could stop being such judgmental sacks of shit themselves. I do believe that this robot is onto something, but I am concerned about where this might end up.
Have you forgotten about that odd contraption we found in that mysterious room, shareholders? I had. I really had. I knew that Belladonnica, for all her strangeness and death threats, was taking care of it. But an unanticipated consequence of her absence is that I am now thinking about it again. Can I have faith that she will return, or will I find myself hammering away at its chassis again late at night? I really don’t think that would be a good idea. I can just see the counselors here at Kakos Industries saying, “Do you want more visions of dark auras? ‘Cause that’s how you get ‘em.” (Laugh Track) For the sake of the company, I will do my best to refrain from this obsession.
I have news regarding Kakos Tower. Our stalwart couple in the Division of Uphill Battles have successfully reclaimed another floor from whatever non-newtonian fluid had encased it. When asked, they said “It was kind of like corn starch.” (Laugh Track) I understand that we have gotten more corpses out of the building, but we do not know if they will wake up, and we also did not find anything that could get us closer to understanding this tragedy. We even rifled through all of the drawers and read everyone’s emails in true RPG fashion. Still not a hint. But we do know who might have been having sex, which is always a bonus. Speaking of sex, I am told that Kimmie and Maggie have successfully located every camera and microphone we placed in their home and returned them to us here at Kakos Industries. It’s almost like they don’t want us manipulating them and watching the results. They’re kind of hard not to look at. I mean, when you first see them, you just start thinking about all of the social norms and cultural mores you would transgress just to get a little closer with them. It’s gross (laugh track). I’m not the only one, okay? (Laugh Track).
We have heard strange sounds from Dr. Dunkelwissen’s lab. Otherwise, no news.
They say that every rose has its thorn. Usually, we would agree, but just to be the contrarians that we are, we made roses without thorns. We don’t even like roses all that much. Anyway, this is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week we’re taking credit for shadows that look like people from the corner of your eye, the startling sensation of feeling a piece of hair drop from your head onto your body, and the feeling that something out there is keeping track of all of your sins. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for, then we are keeping track of all of your sins, and that figure in the corner of your eye will not be a shadow when you turn to look at it.
Jeffrey Bannerjee has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of his nemesis will be ruined. Jeffrey has selected Tony Sardonica as his nemesis. He said he was just too damned sarcastic and never even witty. We gave the Wheel of Misery a good push and let it spin until it was done. It arrived at “Too much foreskin”. Unfortunately, the Damnation and Ruination Squad are currently unavailable for comment, so I don’t know exactly what this means. I’m assuming that Mr. Sardonica will have a lot of extra foreskin. I mean, I think it would take a whole lot of it to cause any problems at all. I mean, awkward in the bedroom, maybe, but how much foreskin before it really impacts your ability to function? It’s gotta be a whole lot. Is he going to trip over it? I don’t know. I’m just saying that the margin for the acceptable amount of foreskin is pretty wide. Is it indestructible? This is confusing. But I do have faith that his life will be ruined. For good measure, Jeffrey Bannerjee will have a little less foreskin. Hopefully he’s got some left to work with. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.
And that brings us to the end of the broadcast. Honestly, it could not come quickly enough for me today (Laughter). I mean, I’m still seeing all kinds of wild shit. Like, right now, there’s a group of hooded figures in the studio with me. They’re holding their arms out and beckoning me to come with them. Totally unbelievable, right? (Laughter). Okay guys, I’ll come with you in just a second. You can destroy your jack-o’-lantern however you see fit. It’s going to go bad in a few days anyway. The numbers are next. Hold your horses, I’ll be right there. (Laughter).
Hey, where are you taking me?
(Uproarious laughter and applause)
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently satisfied with her home telephone plan. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered going to a rock and roll show?