What you are about to hear may cause you to chill the fuck out.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO here at Kakos Industries. It has been busy here, to say the least, since you last heard from me. Melantha had to do more of her announcements, and long story short, we finally did resolve our problems regarding her ownership of Kakos Industries stock. It was complicated, and a little bit messy, but it appears to be almost done now. I’ll get to that more later.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a car stereo. Now, I realize that some of you may be in your cars right now, so perhaps that isn’t the most surprising. What you will find surprising, though, is that this car stereo is not the one that is attached to the wiring in your car. It’s just a disembodied, or perhaps disen-car-ed stereo. It’s in the back seat or something. For those of you in your homes or other buildings, there is a car stereo somewhere playing back these messages. I am told that a lucky few of you have had cars driven into the walls of whatever building you’re in with the stereo blasting. We couldn’t do that for everyone, unfortunately. I’m sorry. I am told that the stereo is manufactured by Nuclear Car Sounds. Oh shit. Shareholders, you might want to check your badges while I skim the rest of this spec sheet. Good sounds. Lots of bass. Makes the ladies feel things. May cause hearing loss. Not actually radioactive. Whew. That’s good news. I should really have more faith in the Division of Oversight. Hahahaha that’s not going to happen. Anyway, it seems that you are in no danger from radioactivity at this moment, shareholders. At least not from us. We’re not responsible for your hobbies.
The Celebration of Books went down just like we planned. Last year’s celebration quickly devolved into a lot of nerdy group sex and roleplaying, which we hadn’t planned on. This year, we did plan on that, and it happened just like last year. I was personally expecting it to go much further than before. I’m not sure what I was expecting. Maybe costumes? Like the characters in romance novels? I don’t know. I suppose the power of imagination was strong with this group and costumes may not have been necessary. I found myself looking through my grandfather’s old book of doodles by myself while the others were deep in the nerdy sex pile. There were quite a few drawings of a highly erotic nature. Old conquests, I would imagine. I once found just a book of names in his belongings. Almost all of them were women’s names. I made some assumptions. My grandfather’s drawing wasn’t world class, but these also weren’t just stick figures with boobs. Anyway, at the end of the book, a letter fell out into my lap. These things tend to be timed pretty well, so I opened it then and there and read it. It turns out that it wasn’t addressed to me. Instead, it was addressed to some woman my grandfather was evidently involved with. He addressed it to Love. It was pretty steamy, shareholders. Let me tell you. Also, it appears that it was never sent. I kept the letter. Then, when people were generally getting bored of sex, the rave in the basement ballroom began. My predictions were accurate in regards to the aroma.
Coming up, we have Halloween again. Last year’s celebration was outstanding, even though no one wanted to sew a baby into their thigh. I mean, I’m totally over that. Anyway, the only way we could think to outdo ourselves this year is by having multiple parties! That’s right, we’re doing a full week of Halloween parties, each with a different theme. Prepare yourselves shareholders. The Halloween Day 1 theme is witches. Everyone come dressed like a witch. We’ll do some symbolic spells and things. Then we’ll ride some broomsticks in the forest, if you know what I mean. The Halloween Day 2 theme will be Pumpkins! Everyone should wear a pumpkin themed costume, or just wear a pumpkin, and we’ll also have a carving contest. I will warn you that we have engineered pumpkins that will fight back, which is what makes the contest challenging, obviously. The Halloween Day 3 theme will be Demons from around the world. Come dressed as your favorite mythological demon. We might even have some “innocents” to torture. Of course, I say “innocents” like that because, as we all know, there are none among us who are innocent. Not just among us here at Kakos Industries, but in the known Universe. Not an innocent person. The Halloween Day 4 theme will be “Dress as the Thing You Hate”. It’s pretty self-explanatory. Dress as a thing you hate. It doesn’t have to be the thing you hate the most. We DO want to see you actually wearing a costume after all. Dress as that one barista, dress as a politician, dress like an ancient philosopher. It’s up to you. I will say that anyone dressing as a caricature, or perhaps a stereotype, of any group of people will be openly ostracized, possibly to the point where they will be forced to leave the celebration. Nobody wants your bigoted bullshit in the background of their selfie, okay? The Halloween Day 5 theme is Lingerie. Come wearing your best, most erotic, most revealing intimates. Really wow us if you can. Spread our eyelids wide and give everyone that warmth deep in the pelvis. Now, before I move on to the next day’s festivities, I would like to speak primarily to the men planning on attending this event. Listen, guys. The girls who come to this event are going to be decked out. It’s going to be their fanciest and their best. A lot of them will even go shopping before the event to prepare for it. There are going to be straps, and lace, and buckles, and cutouts, and all sorts of amazing feats of fabric engineering. Considering all of that, a pair of silk boxers isn’t really going to cut it, okay? It’s not for me, it’s for the festival itself. We want everyone to look great. And if you do show up with your half-assed bro getup, what we force you to wear in its place might be well beyond what you’re comfortable with. It’s okay to be weird. It’s not okay to be boring. The Halloween Day 6 celebration is Candy Corn, so please do not show up. We had this idea that we wanted to do a full week, but really we need an extra day to set up for Day 7. So on Day 6, go to a friend’s party to give yourself a break from the week long bender here at Kakos Industries. Wear a fun costume or whatever. Have some pumpkin spice porter. Whatever it is that you do. If you do show up, you’re going to have to eat some candy corn. And if you do happen to like candy corn, you sicko, then it’s going to be enough candy corn that you never want to eat it again. Day 7 will be totally insane. You are definitely not prepared for this. We’ve designed a psychoactive substance that makes Halloween into “the Halloween you’ve always imagined”. The festivities we have planned will twist and shift into the idyllic-off-the-wall-people-turning-into-sexy-monsters-wet-nightmare that you’ve always wanted. The celebration will look just like whatever your favorite Halloween episode of television told you it should be. It’s going to be amazing. And one of you is getting a goddamn baby in your thigh, okay? It’s going to happen and I’ll be selecting at random if I have to. Fuck. Please remember that anyone dressed as a zombie at any of the parties this year runs the risk of being shot on sight.
So you might have heard that Kakos Industries and Melantha's company merged due to some nether law nonsense that left both companies somewhat vulnerable. Well, that did happen. And for a brief moment, we were one. I walked into work that day to see a lot of new faces around the building. People working on projects I don’t remember hearing about. And when I made it up to my office, I found Melantha sitting at my desk behind a sign that said “Melantha Murther, Co-CEO of…” something I couldn’t read. I sat down beside her and began to do my day’s work, but I’ll admit I was distracted. She was watching me with this expression on her face unlike anything I had seen from her before. I didn’t know that her skin could blush. With the blue LEDs blinking, her skin took on a purple hue. She looked at me expectantly. I didn’t want to play into her shenanigans so I got to work. Thwarting me, she lifted a curvaceous leg that terminated in a shiny, black stiletto and dropped it on top of my paperwork. She said, “did you expect me to let you get work done?” Following her leg, I noticed that she had exposed herself to me from under a short skirt. Anyway, I’m sworn to confidentiality about things that may or may not have happened. There wasn’t enough time for much to happen anyway, as the building began to gently rumble. Melantha ran from the building as the official paperwork redividing the companies went into effect. Her name plate on my desk disintegrated. Her employees dropped what they were doing and joined her in bolting from the premises. The main branch here was left largely unharmed. In fact, I think Kakos Industries as a whole made it out pretty okay. Our Division of Disrepair, which is housed in a separate building offsite, is rumored to have collapsed, but under the circumstances, that was probably just a coincidence. The separation of the two companies wasn’t neat. We’re still finding boxes of stuff that no one here recognizes, and we’re also missing one box of files, but no one can remember what was in it, so it might not have been important, or really ever existed. We have a few employees that no one remembers seeing before, but so far their work has been good. We also have a new sea monster in the moat. Something tells me they took the opportunity to get rid of some things. Also, Hailey is back at Kakos Industries. I didn’t see that in the paperwork myself, but I am told it was a last minute addition requested by Iele Solomonari, her mother and my coworker. I do not believe that Hailey has a job here at Kakos Industries, so she might actually just be the property of the company, which is something we should fix. I say that more so for liability reasons than for ethical ones. We just can’t be responsible for her actions like that. I am told that Melantha’s main branch, which only had a few floors left, finally succumbed to the pressure of this new arrangement, turning to dust. I’ve heard that Evil relief workers are doing their best to set up some temporary work spaces. Some converted shipping crates or something. After this was over, I sat in my office for a while, not sure what happened. Was all of this good, or bad, or Evil? Had I gotten something I wanted or merely a taste of something I would never again experience? Then Grace came into the office. She said, “I’m going to turn off the Earthquake Machine now.” I looked at her blankly. “Earthquake Machine?” I asked. “The one that’s been shaking Melantha’s building,” she explained. My mouth was agape. She looked at me with some concern. Apparently, we here at Kakos Industries were responsible for shaking Melantha’s building. With an Earthquake Machine. Grace has told me that to her knowledge, netherlaw doesn’t actually exist as a force like that. It was a standing order from my grandfather before he died that we do our best to enact whatever netherlaw situation that Melantha seemed to believe was real. She thought I knew and that I was just playing along. Melantha takes the nether stuff really seriously, like some sort of spiritual new-agey kabbalah shit, and Grace thought I was playing along out of professional courtesy. So this whole situation was fabricated by us here at Kakos Industries based on the orders of a dead man to somehow feed into the delusion of our competitor. I'm not sure what would have happened had we done nothing at all. Suffice it to say that I forgot all about my reflective mood. In fact, I took it upon myself to not think about anything at all. I don’t think that Melantha knows, and I’m pretty sure that we are all legally obligated not to tell her.
I have some news about the Division of Sexual Experimentation and their new sex toy. It’s some difficult news to deliver tactfully, but it’s important to remember that we’re talking about a machine here, and not a living thing. Keep that in mind. Anyway, it seems that the device has been working its way up the “Chain of Guilt”, as we might want to think about it. The test subjects found themselves feeling guilty about sex again in only a few days after the device worked with them and then their mothers. The device is reported to then have worked with any living grandmothers of the test subjects before working with the men in these women’s lives, including brothers, fathers, grandfathers, and many others. We are told that the device has been reported to mercilessly massage the prostate of any man known to have ever uttered a disparaging word about women’s sexuality until he sees the error of his ways. I am told that it is quite a profound moment. I am also told that due to this device working its way through the population, a small percentage of the population has actually changed their thoughts on the matter of women’s sexuality. This is Evil news, of course, because it will allow for a more promiscuous society. Sex is Evil, and the good can’t have it back. They gave it up. It’s ours. The trouble now is that we don’t know where the device is. It has escaped. We can only imagine that it is in the process of “changing some minds” out there through unimaginable ecstasy. If the device has found you, then we do apologize and encourage you to call us immediately so we can capture it. To give you an idea of what to look for, the device is non-phallic, and more importantly, non-humanoid. It is a metal pedestal on two gyroscopically balanced wheels. At the top, it has a long, flexible arm with a round attachment at the end, which is the business end. There’s a cleaning basin somewhere inside. There are also a series of robotic eyes around the pedestal. I would like to assure any of you that encounter this device that the eyes do not record anything. Your time with this device is private. Please let us know if you have any information about the whereabouts of this renegade sex toy.
The Yipdoodie clothing company has been completely destroyed. I honestly don’t know what they thought they were doing by bringing their bullshit into our company like that. To sell clothing? Starting here? First of all, do they honestly think that we here at Kakos Industries are the type to write glowing reviews on the Internet? Do they think that our friends look to us for new trends? And second, do they not realize that we don’t really guard ourselves because of how toxic we are? We’re like a poisonous frog that isn’t afraid of anything because eating it would be the most foolish decision anyone has ever made. So they’re gone. Their clothes are gone. Their buildings are gone. The paperwork they filed for incorporation is gone. Their website has been taken down. Their most loyal customers have been rounded up and sent to Hell. The Raid Chimps massacred their staff. What were they thinking? I just can’t understand why they would be willing to put themselves through that. This is another gentle reminder, Kakos Industries shareholders. Don’t ever fuck with us.
I have no news on Dr. Dunkelwissen’s experiments. He has stopped taking samples, but we do not know what he is working on.
I have news about Hell. The labor camp is still operating optimally. There’s not much more we can hope for there. And most of the horrors lurking in the caves there stay away from the camp. I believe this may be an instance of “game recognize game.” The settlers, however, are not affiliated with Kakos Industries, so they get slaughtered by the handful. That’s not a metaphor. Some of those things down there have just giant hands. We have been unable still to locate what it is that has sped evolution in this way and caused such amazing mutations, but the evidence of it is everywhere. One monster is just a giant hand. Another is a small body with really long arms and really long fingers. A third has arms and hands radiating from a center point, creating a sort of ball of hands that rolls around. It’s spooky. I’ve only seen images on the perimeter cameras myself. I want one. I mean, I know that they’re only cute when they’re small, and there’s also really no place to put a collar, but I want one. I want a freaky ball of hands from deep in the Earth. We’re looking into it.
They say that it’s always darkest just before dawn. That’s just false. I don’t know who started saying that. It gets lighter before dawn. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week we’re taking credit for people who can’t smell how strong their perfume is, people who can’t smell how bad their breath is, and people who can’t smell. Of course, there is no way to know for certain if we are responsible for any of those things, but we don’t have any doubts either. If you happen to disagree with our lack of doubt, you might soon find out a couple of things for certain. One of them being about the time frame of your death.
The winner of this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing is Paul Rathjen. As a result, the life of Paul’s Nemesis will be ruined. Paul has selected Giovanni Penelis as his target. We spun the Wheel of Misery with a good amount of force. It spun many, many times. It finally arrived at the space for Sweating Blood. From this day forward, when Giovanni begins to sweat, which will be more likely now, instead of the usual mix of water and electrolytes, he will also sweat the blood from his veins. This will make wearing clothes that aren’t a red or dingy brown difficult, and it will make sitting on furniture tedious. Not to mention just how unsightly it is, and then of course, there’s the nearly constant blood loss. It’s just kind of a mess all around, you know? Giovanni will struggle to get jobs in the future (because sweating when you’re in an interview is almost a given), and may be prone to passing out or acute death. For good measure, Paul Rathjen will bleed sweat. Hmm… I would really like to know more about that, but there is no more information here on what I’ve been given. I guess when he gets cut there will just be a bunch of sweat coming out? It’s weird for sure, but what does that mean about his blood? Am I thinking too much about this? Okay, I’ll just move on. Congratulation on the win, and thank you for your contribution. Wink.
That brings us to the end of this broadcast, shareholders. Just wreck that stereo. Bust it up. Kick it to shit. Crush all the parts of it. Ruin it. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently into sci fi mysteries. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at email@example.com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered feeding the ducks at your local park?