What you are about to hear might cause various versions of yourself from the multiverse to briefly become one.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. I should probably tell you that those pesky visions of Evil auras I saw following behind everyone, seeming to suck their life away, have subsided substantially. I still see a couple here and there, specifically behind those people I view as especially Evil. I will say that, in order to achieve this reduction in visual disturbances, I have had to step back from a few of my duties here. They were things that were easily delegated, but I prefer to do as much as I can myself. I had no choice but to let those tasks go, though. So if you see someone else visiting your favorite division, taking notes, and shaking their head from side to side in disappointment, know that they represent me and that I will be informed of everything they see. I will miss all of my employees’ startled and frantic faces as I begin to do a surprise inspection, though. Perhaps we can invest in some sort of body cameras for these new inspectors.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from Cuckoo Clockwork Automata’s brand new Cuckoo Clock, which you should have received and set up a few days ago. Every hour on the hour, a small bird comes out from the clock to chirp a number of times corresponding to the hour of the day. It’s really cute and kind of fun. Some have even described the experience as “uplifting”. You’ve had a couple of days to get used to that function of the clock, assuming you hung them up as instructed. Those of you living in tents or bounce houses or other places without solid walls will have had some difficulty, but I suspect you figured it out in time. What you may not have been expecting is that when the time of the broadcast came, instead of your friendly little bird, a small mechanical representation of me strutted out from the clock to deliver to you these important announcements. How we’re getting the message there is boring, which is why I’m assuming they wrote down the phrase “typical broadcast bullshit” on the spec sheet here. The sound quality is listed as “good”, and the frequency response is “pretty a’ight”. Really, it’s not about the sound exactly so much as it is about you having me there with you for this. It should be a warm feeling. A comfortable feeling. A homey feeling. And this time, I won’t be eating any of the cookies in your kitchen. Do not worry yourself with the location of the friendly little bird you’ve gotten used to up to this point. Assuming you follow directions, you will destroy the radio before he has the chance to chirp again. If you defy our instructions and hold out to see its cheerful visage once more, you will be disappointed. You will never see it again. It is best to pick up the pieces and move on.
Shareholders, have you been having a good celebration today? You know, the celebration that is happening today, but for whatever reason it is not mentioned on any of my calendars or digital alerts? The celebration that no one thought to remind me of, even though it could be potentially embarrassing if I forgot it, but luckily I didn’t? The celebration where everyone here at Kakos Industries is wearing something new and unusual? The one with the bright colors and the strange cuts of fabric? The one that would be sure to startle anyone, even those of us holding the highest offices, if they weren’t expecting it, but of course we all were? You know the one, I am sure. I don’t even feel the need to tell you what it is. In fact, it’s embarrassing if you don’t know what it is, when it is so obvious that everyone else does. Of course, I chose not to participate today because I’m the CEO and I have to give off an appearance of strength and consistency, so wearing the clothes that are associated with this festival was simply not something that I could do. That is why I am dressed differently. It’s a fun celebration, of course, but I leave it for all of you to enjoy without me. It’s selfless of me, truly. Perhaps I will participate later, time permitting. For now, I just get to watch all of my employees here celebrating this celebration, which we all know is celebrated in just this celebratory fashion. This is one of my favorite celebrations, if I’m being totally honest.
You had a good Festival of Somnambulation, shareholders. I can assure you that you did. This is because I was awake for the celebration. When I began to sleepwalk earlier in the evening as planned, those around me were, and I’m quoting here, “freaked the fuck out”. I fell asleep at my desk on purpose so I wouldn’t have to commute to the event, and my staff almost immediately woke me up to end whatever it was that I was doing. I have asked for more information, but even though they look like they want to tell me, the words are somehow just beyond them. I am not sure whether or not I should interpret this as good or bad news. Based on their facial expressions alone, I can believe that whatever it was was Evil, but it may have been above and beyond what was called for. Fortunately, I do not sleepwalk under normal circumstances, so that behavior will be contained. I’ve gotten away from the point here. The Festival of Somnambulation was really quite amazing for all of you. It was a crowded event, perhaps only smaller than the Shareholders Ball. Most of you were there in your pajamas, though some of your arrived in underwear, and others still arrived completely naked, which is fine with us, but may have been an issue for anyone you encountered on the potentially long stroll down to the office here. Others arrived in whatever clothes they had worn that day, which either meant that they sleep fully clothed or that they were not planning on falling asleep when they did. At least one of you arrived in some sort of animal mascot costume, and one of you did try to enter the event wearing heavy protective gear covered in what we assume was animal viscera. That particular individual was hosed off before entry was granted. We gave the basement ballroom a comfy “bedroom” theme, with numerous pillows placed about. The lights were dim during the event, but as far as I know, no one fell back asleep, or asleep-asleep. Instead, there was some sleep chatting, some sleep dancing, and some sleep eating. Some of you volunteered for the gladiator events, which I assure you you would not have done unless you would have in your waking state. That’s just how these things work, so don’t get mad at us. If you woke up bruised, bloodied, or in our infirmary, you know who you are. At the end of the event, we sent you all home. We really hope you got there, but if you happen to have woken up somewhere unexpected, then we hope that you were able to sort things out. If anyone is still lost at this time, then I am instructed to say the words “banana split”. Did that wake you up? I don’t know. But now I kind of want some ice cream.
The Celebration of Books will go ahead as planned. I know that we cancelled the Festival of Tripping Balls, and the Celebration of Books is usually considered a response to that festival for our more bookish shareholders, but it would seem that the book lovers still need some help getting out of the house. Also, I like the festival. I don’t get as much time to read as I would like, so getting to read for a work-related activity is a nice change. We’ll have all the usual texts for you to peruse, even those known to cause spontaneous and awkward sexual climaxes within the first few pages, even those that you have to read wearing special blinders because taking in too many words at once can cause fainting and even death. We’ll even let you read the books that may awaken things within you that you may wish to leave sleeping. We’ve got versions upon versions of ancient texts, some even completely changing the meaning of old stories we take for granted today. In the romance corner, there are books that might teach you how to enjoy something you previously never thought possible until you heard about it in just the right way. In the no-romance section, there are a lot of books for people who don’t like being touched. That’s okay. We know you can do Evil without. I am told that within the stacks in the basement library, there is a sketchbook of my grandfather’s greatest sexy doodles. It might give you a thrill, or maybe a laugh. I’m sure he’d be fine with either. You did hear me correctly, by the way. We now have a basement library. We decided it wasn’t worth the effort to pack all of the books up again after the celebration last year, and we do have an empty space just below the basement ballroom, so we decided to just shift them down one flight of stairs and leave it at that. You can come by any other time to look at books and maybe even check a couple of them out. I will warn you that we don’t do late fees exactly, so you might want to make sure to return your books on time. We won’t be checking any of them out during the festival, though. That would require more workers than we can spare, and the point of the festival is for you to read around other people, not rush home to whatever dark and damp cave of comfort you’ve constructed for yourself. I am told that a small group of you bookish types have also arranged to use the basement ballroom above as a space for a rave toward the end of the Celebration of Books. My prediction: the rave will smell bad. That’s all I’ve got. Maybe some video game techno remixes. I don’t know. Knock yourselves out.
Belladonnica is still missing. There have been many more hooded figure sightings, though. Grace recommended that I get some more social activity in with the Kakos Industries employees, so I took it upon myself to don a dark hooded cloak and wait to see if I might be included in whatever games are rumored to be played in this fashion. Previously, I mentioned that there are reported to be some competitive sports played in our building at night where these types of cloaks are used. I have a suspicion that the other hooded figures were able to figure out who I was somehow because they stayed far away from me. Except for one of them. I began to give chase as I saw some hoods disappear around a corner. They might have even been kicking a ball. I can’t be certain. When I turned the corner, though, there was no one there. When I turned around, a shorter figure with small fists and no other discernible characteristics from under the heavy fabric struck me surprisingly hard in the stomach and ran off. I recovered from the blow and attempted to follow after my attacker, but I only found a solid wall where he ran off, and I am aware of no hidden passages there. Doing what amounted to the minimum amount of espionage for Grace, I was able to tell her that, of all of the hooded figures that I was able to glimpse at a distance, none of them were small children. I may continue to experiment with this strange subculture here at Kakos Industries, but I have little hope of finding Belladonnica while I’m at it. I think that Grace managed to turn all of our lawns here at Kakos Industries upside down in hopes of finding Belladonnica in the dirt somewhere, but she was unable to find anything. The dead animals that have been buried in the holes she left have not yet risen up, either, which is disappointing. I told Grace that Belladonnica was not the type of girl to disappear without intending to, and that wherever she is, she is probably doing just fine, and she is probably drawing up elaborate plans to kill me. Grace smiled ever so slightly, which really speaks volumes coming from her usually expressionless face.
I just received word that all of my employees in the building just jumped up all at the same time and shouted “YIPDOODIE!” at the top of their lungs. You know, what people are supposed to do when they are participating in this festival, obviously. I didn’t because I’m on the radio right now. This is obviously more important than jumping up and shouting “YIPDOODIE!” I’ll take care of my shouting later, after the broadcast. That is my prerogative.
Kimmie and Maggie in the Division of Uphill Battles have developed a method to quickly and easily clear up that fluid from the top levels of Kakos Tower. The problem now is that there was only one more floor that had that particular fluid preserving the people and things inside of it. Now, there appears to be a different fluid that is encapsulating the next floor down. We do not know the properties of this fluid yet, but the scientists tell me that it tastes a little like corn starch. A few of the survivors from the upper levels have regained consciousness. We’ve asked them what happened, but they do not seem to know. The last thing they remember is hearing the alarms go off and then the sound of rushing fluids all around them. I certainly hope that we can get to the bottom of this mystery, both literally and figuratively, soon. That would provide all of us here with the closure we so desperately need after the horrific experiences we all had that fateful day.
I have news from the Division of Sexual Experimentation. It seems that their new sex toy that cures societal insecurities in women has been having some exciting results during testing. They tell me that after an hour or two with the device, the subjects report markedly lower levels of shame and guilt about sex, and report their likelihood of engaging in promiscuity much higher. The trouble is that these changes do not last. They find relief in the highly therapeutic vibration settings of the device, but only for around 8 hours after exposure. Then contact with the outside world begins to reset the unfortunate biases. The scientists in the division have provided some of the devices with sufficient artificial intelligence to come up with creative solutions to this recurring problem. Using those neural networks, the devices have begun requesting time with the mothers of the test subjects. I realize that this is a sensitive topic to some of you, so I will spare you the details, but it does seem that after the devices “work” with those mothers we are able to bring in, the sexual shame of the test subjects has not been reoccurring quite as quickly. There appears to be more research to be done here. We shall see what happens.
Speaking of our love of mad science, Dr. Dunkelwisen, one of our scientists that works for the whole of Kakos Industries rather than any particular division, has been reportedly stealing people’s hair and used dishes. Some have seen him sneaking up behind select individuals and pulling out just a few hairs before darting down the hallway. He has also been seen watching employees in the lunchroom and then rummaging through the garbage for their used cups, cans, and utensils. The obvious conclusion is that he is after our DNA for one reason or another. I cannot know for sure, though, because he is very secretive until he comes up with something meaningful. I also do not know why he hasn’t just gone through our bank of employee gene samples. At any rate, he has not as of yet stolen any hair or dishware of mine, so I feel a little insulted. What’s going on, Dunkelwissen? Are my genes not good enough for you? Am I not worthy of being made into some sort of horrible abomination?
Things have been going well with Brosephus, my officially appointed friend here at Kakos Industries. We still hang out fairly often. It gives me an opportunity to just switch off. Not that I do, but I have the opportunity, which is what counts. We’ve switched from killing video game zombies to killing video game aliens. That’s nice. I mean, we do business with some extraterrestrials here at Kakos Industries, but they obviously know that not all aliens are the same and that we are wise to prepare ourselves for the worst. It’s not exactly uncommon for us to have to switch alliances because our previous allies were obliterated. At any rate, when Brosephus and I were nearly done with a mission, he asked me if I wanted to do something else later. I said, “I don’t know. What would you like to do?” to which he responded, “I don’t know either.” I’m assuming I gave him the correct response. Of course, there were things I wanted to do, but you don’t want someone to find out who you are too quickly, you know? I would regard Brosephus’s job here at Kakos Industries as one of the less Evil ones available, so I don’t want to scare him. Now that I think about it, I am leaving myself open to your interpretations of how I like to spend my Saturday nights, shareholders. Cue the drawings, I suppose.
They say that darkness gives meaning to light. That’s only because we have to wait for the good to build before we can destroy. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week, we’re taking credit for dangerous portrayals of bondage in movies, ridiculous portrayals of sex in pornography, and glorified portrayals of masculine authors on television. As always, we can’t know for certain that we did these things, but come on, you know deep down that we’re at least probably responsible. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for, then you might become a terrible portrayal of who you once were. Be careful.
Aleela Dafina has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As we all know, that means that we at Kakos Industries are going to ruin the life of her nemesis. She has listed her nemesis as Donald Trein. We spun the Wheel of Misery firmly. It spun and spun and spun and finally landed on “Retail”. From this day forward, Donald Trein will be doomed to Retail. Really the Wheel of Misery outdid itself on that one. I mean… ouch. I’m assuming this will mean he is doomed to working retail for the rest of his life. Or maybe he’s going to be sold. Sometimes they give me really specific plans before the broadcast, and other times they seem to be phoning it in under the wire. For good measure, Aleela Dafina will have problems with retail. It’s not any more specific than that on what I’ve been given. It could be potentially problematic. Congratulations on the win and good luck.
And that brings us to the end of the broadcast. Boy have I been enjoying this festival, shareholders. It’s everything I could have wanted and more. Oh, what’s this. I’ve got a report here from Grace Rule, our contracts master and also rule master here at Kakos Industries. She writes, “Yipdoodie is actually a clothing company. They have been doing some guerrilla marketing inside of our building, part of which was giving employees clothing in exchange for them shouting the company name all at once. I have already begun punishments and I will destroy the company if you wish.” Hmmm… I do. I do wish it. That’s totally unacceptable. Let’s send them some of our GMO Raid Chimps. We’ve improved the formula to give the chimps even more existential pain now. We can’t destroy all of our employees, though. Perhaps some sensitivity training is in order. Or maybe a paddling. Not a hard one, you know. Just enough. Excellent. It might seem obvious to some of you now that there is, in fact, not a celebration going on in the building. Just some shitty advertising, and an embarrassed CEO who may need to reexamine the nature of truth. Destroy your Cuckoo Clock however you see fit. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently in way over her head. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered doing things completely differently?