What you are about to hear may cause you to switch places with the person who is your exact opposite for a period of 30 seconds. We apologize for any discomfort this may cause.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder announcements. As you know, at Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. Before we begin, I would like to say two things. The first is that you may stop dancing now. Thank you for keeping it up. This is an important festival, and your participation means a lot to us, and also to the cause of Evil. The second thing is that the studio here has returned to normal. We had to replace a few pieces here and there, but overall, we got things up and running again pretty quickly. I bought Soundman Steven a new mixing board as token of gratitude for all that he went through. I don’t understand it, myself, but he said this one is really quiet. Of course, I want to be loud, but being able to be quiet is also a Evil thing. I think it might help him out more when he’s moonlighting as recording engineer for the various musical groups inside of our company. Oh, shareholders, if you could see the look on his face right now. I’ve known all along about your side gigs, Soundman! Don’t worry. It would be a shame to let the equipment go to waste. Ah, there’s that look of relief. Now he’s pointing down… shareholders, I think Soundman Steven is indicating that he may have gotten a little bit soft while I was teasing him. For the first time since we built the original studio, his unyielding and very much awkward erection dipped just a little bit. You know, I don’t usually stake too much of my emotional well-being on other people’s sex organs, but I have to say that stung a little. I’m sorry, Soundman. It was uncalled for. You’ve been through too much lately. He’s giving me the okay sign. Speaking of silence, can we all just take a moment to appreciate how silent Soundman Steven was the entire time he was being attacked? I don’t want to spoil too much of the photo book you’ll all be receiving, but he was pretty messed up. There was a lot of blood. Some of his skin was torn. His right ring finger was twisted and bent backwards. And through all of that, nothing but the utmost professionalism from Soundman Steven. He made no noise. He didn’t scream out. And most importantly, he did not disturb the broadcast. Thank you, Soundman.
Speaking again of silence, this broadcast is coming to you... from silence. No, I’m sorry, that’s silos. The sound is coming to you from silos. The Division of Sadistic Ballistic Mystics has developed a way to fire the sounds at you. I am told that they have some really large speakers that compress air, and then allow it to expand when it reaches its target in the form of the words I’m saying. From what I’m reading here, nothing solid is actually fired at your homes, but they placed an asterisk at the end of that statement, and at the bottom of the spec sheet, it says everybody makes mistakes. So nothing solid SHOULD be fired at your home. I do apologize if something solid is fired at your home during this process. Such a mistake would create Evil in the short term, but in the long term, we would be missing out on everything you can contribute to us as a shareholder in the Evil we produce here. We wouldn’t want to risk killing you off. Nor would we want to risk making you too jaded about Evil. You know what they say: when you become jaded about Evil, you turn to something else. And that other thing we don’t like so much. I should caution anyone listening who is not a shareholder that this broadcast is not for you. At this moment, you have two options. The first is to be incinerated by one of the solid objects we have fired at you. The second is to become a shareholder as quickly as possible. The best way to do this is by just thinking the most Evil things you possibly can right now. Remember, you have to enjoy thinking about them. Dig deep. Just get really nasty in that head of yours. Just a little bit longer now. It’s got to get worse. More Evil, more Evil, more Evil! That’s it, you’re almost a shareholder. Keep thinking it! Keep thinking it! And time’s up. Some of you succeeded, I am sure. Others were a dismal failure. Others still were probably courted by one of our competitors before we could get to you. In that case, you really backed the wrong horse: You went Evil, but you still got blowed up. That’ll teach you to support Marty’s Evil Emporium and Sometimes Titty Bar. No one who really knows Evil can respect those guys.
I have reports that your dancing was especially creative for this year’s Celebration of the Dance. That means that you got our instruction guides, and you actually did what they said. That is wonderful news. I would like to say that I’m proud of you for working so hard out there. I mean, this easily could have been something you worked at for a few hours on the first day before you lost interest, but I watched as you continued to press through any creative blockages that may have occurred. I watched as you repeated moves from measure to measure, only to come up with something totally unexpected a moment later. I won’t say that all of these new maneuvers will be recorded forever in the history of great dance moves, but I applaud your bravery all the same. Creativity begs for nonjudgmental experimentation, and, in my judgment, you all did exceptionally well. Now, for the sake of future creativity, I am going to read off the titles of some of the more daring moves. Please remember that I am not attempting to embarrass anyone. I am merely trying to show you just how wild is appropriate next year. Jesus OIbega introduced us to headbanging while pretending to play his toes like a keyboard. Timothy Quang developed a move that can only be described as “backwards humping”. Deedee LaCie gave us several new techniques that almost certainly require double-jointed shoulders, double-jointed hips, and a double-jointed spine. I am not sure any of those body parts can actually be considered double-jointed, but after you’ve seen what we’ve seen from Deedee, you might begin to believe, too. Smith John showed us all anus twerking. I’ll save you some of the details and say that it’s another one that’s difficult to imagine, but once you’ve seen it, you can’t think of anything else to call it. Then we got to the dance-off. First place went to Morris Wit, expert daggerer. Again, who cares about second and third, and then fourth place went to Barry Capybara, who was sent to the Division of Thrill Ride Testing as their newest subject. At 5:15 this morning, Barry was sent on the first manned ride of the I’m Being Eaten by a T-Rex! ride at the Mega Thrillz Theme Park in Christ Hole, Texas. I am told that he has yet to emerge from the ride. The engineers are baffled. The report here says that they might have forgotten to make an exit. Seems like that one should be obvious, guys. Coming in at 16th place again this year is Douglas Mulroney, which is impressive because this year he was dancing with crutches and a wheelchair after all of the thanks you guys showed him for dragging out your dancing another couple of weeks. He argued that he couldn’t possibly have placed that high this year because of his limitations, but we decided to just kill him rather than entertain any more points of contention.
We cannot, contractually, cancel the Festival of Fertility. Even though the new book of rules says “No other festivals at this time!” while introducing a new festival I will mention later, we are still obligated to allow our sexually frustrated female shareholders to come down to main branch here to get some baby juice from our stable of human stallions. A few months ago, we got news of all of the births that resulted from last year’s festival. We had a lot of fun giving you weird letter combos to try to fit into those names. I mean, the babies were conceived on our property. In addition to all the healthy and happy babies that were born, there were reports of one or two with tails, and one with a stare that could pierce your heart. We’ll be keeping an extra eye on those babies. Especially the one with the extra eye.
The new festival, as I hinted at a moment ago, is the Festival of Misery. The reason they don’t want any other festivals going on at the same time is because it would defeat the point. The description says that this festival is both a celebration of misery as a concept, and also a celebration of our own misery. We are miserable, aren’t we? If we really think about it? If we let those dark parts of us leak to the surface? There’s not a single one of us out there that isn’t in some way unsettled by the grandest joke of all: That we will all one day die, and that at the end of our lives we will not have discovered any real meaning to our existence. Sure, we can dress up the day to day with activities and friendships and family and sexual gratification, but one way or another, there is a void that will never be filled. Now that I’ve gotten you sufficiently miserable, I would like to invite you, shareholders, to come down to our building and to share that misery. To take comfort in the mutual misery. To commiserate. I’m not sure if that is the meaning of life, but it will certainly make all of us feel better. And once we’ve dealt with that, we can return to doing Evil. Because that gives us meaning. That gives us purpose. Contrary to what some of our more dogmatic competitors might say, Evil needs life to exist, like a memetic virus.
Speaking of misery, I feel inclined to update you once again on my progress with these treatments for my excess of Evil. It would seem that I have a rarer metabolism than most, and I have been unable to use any of these medications with success. There are, however, certain meditational techniques that some have used with some success. I will undertake this task, shareholders, for you. I will become whatever is necessary to do this job as best I can. I will harness my Evil. I will focus my Evil. I will use this Evil for the benefit of us all. And for now, I will do that without the help of science.
Is it strange that I have begun to enjoy my time with Brosephus more? I mean, he is paid to be my friend, but I don’t get the impression that that’s why he does it. Sure, at first I was concerned. I found him to be kind of boring and perhaps limited, but as time went on, his consistency began to appeal to me more and more. I’m not saying that I don’t believe he’s a spy; I’m just saying that I can enjoy spending time with a spy without giving him any important information. I’ve also planted a few specific lies, so I’ll be able to trace them back to him if they ever emerge. I think what I have begun to enjoy is his simplicity. I don’t get the opportunity to spin the wheels of my impressive intellect. Instead, I am drawn to the Earth. And then I’m handed a controller and instructed to kill zombies. If any of you listening to the broadcast are undead at this moment, I would like to apologize. You see, the game developers don’t know that you’re real, and they imagine you to be far worse than you are. We at Kakos Industries know that the undead can be anything they want to be, not just mindless corpses hungering for human flesh. Anyway, we killed a lot of zombies together. The zombies also killed us a lot. I can see how this might not be the most interesting recap you’ve ever heard, so I guess I can just skip past that. Anyway, being the CEO of any company can bring with it its share of stresses, and apparently digital murder is a way to let off steam.
I am told that Belladonnica is still missing. I still occasionally find Grace Rule walking around the halls of our building late at night with a flashlight. I worry about her. Sure, she is still vitally important for all of the other Evil children we have, but I think she felt a special connection with Belladonnica. There have been some reports of unidentified hooded figures running through the halls of the building, but none of them appear to be a small child. Hoods are kind of a staple of all things Evil, so it’s not surprising that we have them. I’ve even heard whispers that there might be some games that are played inside of the building with hooded cloaks as the uniform. That is likely one of the many things they keep hidden from me so I am less inclined to destroy it in a fit of rage. I’m not really that prone to rage, but I can see why they would be afraid. That being said, I like games. I’m fun. What’s up.
Did you forget about Denny, shareholders? Whether you find the knowledge that there is a brain in a computer deeply unsettling or oddly cathartic, this is your reminder. That’s all.
As I said during the recap of the CEO festival, many of our employees took it upon themselves to request things from me. Some of these things were stupid. Frank, you’re not getting a pony. Not even a war pony. Not even a fire breathing pony. It’s not that we can’t make one, we just don’t think you’re the right person to take care of it. We’ve… we’ve seen your porn folder. But some of you did make some other requests which I felt might need to be addressed. Paul Tubb will now have to wear pants again. Apparently he won a bet a long time ago with one of the higher ups, and what he won was the right to never wear pants at work. I’m not going to pretend like we don’t have a lot of bizarre dressing rules here at Kakos Industries, but I understand his behavior would be a thousand percent more tolerable with pants on. The person against whom he won the bet has been dead for over a decade, so the pants go back on. Sorry, Paul. This was the first of a short list of employee requests that I will be getting to. In the interest of keeping morale up, I will release them as a trickle so that people don’t grow accustomed to them too quickly.
I am told that the Division of Sexual Experimentation has started a new task. Last we heard, they were working on fuckables, which could honestly go either way. They were doing some research and they found that in the 80’s, we were able to create a robot that would basically cause a man to starve to death via complete sexual satisfaction. This is undoubtedly Evil, but people often make the mistake that Evil is only about destruction. Unfortunately, we do need people to keep Evil alive, and that means that we have to find that equilibrium that allows us to maximize suffering without killing off the entire population. We call this the Glimmer of Hope Principle. After spending some time trying to reformulate this concept, they decided to scrap it in favor of something much more interesting. At Kakos Industries, we have always said that punishing women for having sex reduces the total amount of sex available. It’s not unlike pissing in a pool that you plan on swimming in. In fact, understanding women in today’s society is not entirely unlike understanding someone who has dealt with repeated trauma from a young age. The Division of Sexual Experimentation has started working on a remedy for this situation, something that would increase the available amount of hot, dirty, Evil sex. They tell me that they are working on a new sex toy that, when applied directly to the woman, helps to peel back those many layers of ritualistic abuse to create a freer, freakier individual. They haven’t told me any more, but they wrote that the device would make it easier to get that funk, that sweet, that funky stuff. We shall see.
Algernon Powell has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of his nemesis will be ruined. Algernon has selected Guy Pink as that nemesis. We spun the Wheel of Misery in the usual fashion, which is to say counter-clockwise, and it took its time arriving at a decision. I would like to make it clear for any of you who may have fallen victim to the Wheel of Misery that the amount of time it takes to decide is not based on how much it cares. Sometimes the answers come easily. Other times they take extra effort. It’s not a reflection on you, though. The wheel merely does what is necessary. Eventually, the wheel landed on the space for Questionable Intentions. This is a tricky one shareholders and it does require a lot of work on our part. The important thing is the result, which is to say that no matter what decisions Guy Pink makes for the rest of his life, those around him will always wonder if he has an ulterior motive. Making this happen will require just the right amount of character assassination, as well as changing his speech patterns in such a way that makes his intentions somewhat nebulous. There’s a big difference between “would you pour me a cup of coffee” and “I’d like some of that coffee you’ve got”. The transformation will be interesting, to say the least. For good measure, Algernon Powell’s intentions will always be clear, even in situations where he might not want them to be. Congratulations on the win and best of luck.
They say that in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king. Well, they say that in the land of the Evil the person with the bichenest set of horns shall rule supreme. This is things we’re taking credit for now. This week, we’re taking credit for the fear of heights, the fear of spiders, and the fear of disappointing your child-self. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for now, then you are about to be seriously disappointed. I can’t say any more at this time.
And that brings us to the end of this broadcast. To destroy today’s radio, you need to begin frantically karate chopping the air around you. That’s right. Start chopping. You can do it. Cut that air to pieces. Cut the sound to pieces. You’ve almost got it. Keep going. Keep going. Yes. Yes. Oh, Evil, what a fool you are. Thank you so much for the entertainment, though. The numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently parting the seas to escape Pharaoh’s cruelty. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Please check out store.KakosIndustries.com for merchandise and special offers. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/kakosindustries), Tumblr (kakosindustries.tumblr.com), and Twitter (@KakosIndustries).
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered writing your friend a letter?