What you are about to hear is a desperate cry for help from a tiny, highly advanced civilization living in your ears.
Hello and welcome to the Kakos Industries corporate shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am still CEO of Kakos Industries. Just this week, fourteen assassins have failed, one team of mercenaries was thwarted, and one maliciously dry piece of toast was coughed up without any injury to my person, leaving me alive, and CEO. I was also subject to some bizarre litigious attacks from Melantha Murther, the head of our largest competitor, in which she attempted to prove that the pitiable number of shares on her Kakos Industries stock certificate was actually the number of shares she didn’t own, in an attempt to bring down the company. For those of you who are new or just really shit at remembering things, she purchased a few shares in Kakos Industries in an attempt to ruin the shareholders’ ball for me. As you know, stock is non-transferrable, so she’s stuck with it, and that causes a pretty substantial nether law conflict of interest, which is quite serious. She has been able to buy time before the inevitable vote of no confidence that she’s brought on herself by using any means available to her to try to reverse this decision. Some of you may be wondering: if shares are non-transferrable, then how do any of us get them? There are a couple of different ways. You can inherit it from someone who has died. Stock is also spontaneously generated when Evil activities take place, assuming that our stock gets to you before that of any of our competitors. Then there’s the stock we generate to give out in huge amounts. So, we can give it out all we want, but you can’t get rid of it, or give it away. And the number of shares you own does not entitle you to any profits, only Evil. A hostile takeover is impossible in this circumstance. The sheer amount of murder necessary to free up that many shares would make any takeover basically meaningless, and in such a situation, those shares would revert to the company. I admit, it’s a bit complicated, but you hypothetically asked, so I hypothetically blame you. So there.
This broadcast is coming to you from the harmonics created by the Sex Toys and Sex Toys sex toy that you received earlier today. The vibrations of the toy are tuned in such a way that they will reproduce this transmission in a recognizable form. I understand that the effect is somewhat lessened if you are currently using the toy on your body, especially if it is inside of you. On the other hand, with the toy inside of you, you will hear it in a much deeper and more meaningful way. That said, if you don’t want to fall behind, you may want to wait to use the device until after the broadcast has completed. Then, knock yourself out. Or knock your socks off. Or knock your own boots. Whatever the cool kids are doing. The device features numerous pulse patterns and speeds ranging from “Ooh” to “I think I’m going to die.” I would work your way up slowly. If you happen to run out of juice, then the internal super-capacitor can only be recharged via lightning strike using the included lightning rod, so be careful.
Speaking of sex, shareholders, there appears to be a small slip of paper with an even tinier word printed on it. The word is “sex”. I’ll just set that aside for now.
Shareholders, as you know, the company has required me to make a new friend, and they also supplied that friend, and his name is Brosephus, and honestly I don’t know what to do with this guy. My private life, as I have said before, will remain private, but seeing as how this is a part of the business, I feel inclined to keep you updated. The management felt like I was neglecting Brosephus, so we had to have another get together. We mostly did the same thing as last time. Playing games. Eating food. But then something different happened. Brosephus began to confide in me. He began to tell me things about his life, things he doesn’t tell everyone. He told me about the difficulties he was facing with his girlfriend. You see, they’ve been together a little while, but he’s not sure it will be anything more, or that he wants anything more. He said that she has a “rockin’ body” and that “the sex is awesome”. He seems to be conflicted about whether or not he should want more, or if wanting more is normal, or perhaps if wanting something else is a sign that he should heed. Okay, what he actually said was “I don’t know, man. Sometimes it’s weird.” I could tell what he meant though. Does that mean that we’re developing a rapport? I guess, I don’t know, man. Then he asked what was going on with me, and I said, oh, the usual, you know, running a gigantic corporation, ending lives, ruining lives, creating lives, then ending or ruining those lives, and living life. Just keeping on. His response was “Right.” I was told that he went through a background check before being cleared for friend duty, but just in case, I’ve given him another one. So far, it doesn’t seem that he’s particularly Evil, or much of anything at all, really. I’ll find it. Whatever it is that he’s hiding. Maybe he works for Melantha. I’ll have to look into this.
It’s been about a year since you were visited by that beautiful woman we sent out to deliver the announcements. I am told that it is perfectly okay to still think about her from time to time. And to think about what she meant to you. And to think about how awful you are. That is all. There’s another slip of paper on my desk that says “sex” on it, so I guess it got me thinking about that.
We recently had the Festival of Falling Down Because You’re Not Looking Where You’re Going, Dumbass. The invitation process was simple. If during the weeks before the festival you fell down because you weren’t looking, dumbass, then you were in. For those of you with extra special healing powers, you needed to submit a photograph of the damage #nofilter. Then it was just a matter of showing up to the event itself. The event itself was a bunch of obstacles in a room that was pitch black. Those of you who joined us fell a few more times at least. There wasn’t anything dangerous, though I will admit that we may have tested some new genetically engineered superhuman serums on some of the sharper edges. If you feel like you’re invincible today, you might be. This will likely fade by tomorrow, when you might even feel a little bit weaker than before. Then we started to play some music and flash strobe lights so that you could periodically see what was in front of you, but people continued to fall and stumble. Some people decided to stand still, but then they were knocked over by others who did not. People started to strike up some interesting conversations with their new brethren of the fall, and I think, overall, people left feeling pretty satisfied. On the way out, we were sure to give each of you a Kak-owies adhesive bandage to stop any bleeding. Also, some of you may have earned yourselves some additional superhuman serum, depending on which bandage you received. I think so far we have only had one report of anyone behaving like they may have been dosed twice, and he’s going to be okay. Until the serum wears off. Then… less okay. Probably not okay at all. But on the bright side, he’ll probably consent to ongoing testing, right?
Ordinarily, we would have the Celebration of Self Love coming up. It’s not cancelled. Don’t worry. I know how some of you look forward to it. No, it is merely postponed. The reason for this postponement is that, due to scheduling issues, Evil Con 2015 is coming up next week. Now, about this time, I would imagine many of you are wondering why you’re even going to Evil Con. Is it really worth the expense and frustration? Is it really worth your time to wait in all of those lines just to see people like me? Is it really worth the stress and the fear of missing something cool? Let me put your fears to rest. Yes, it is worth it. Every ounce of pain, every uncomfortable moment, every minute spent in frozen anticipation, and every dollar spent will be worth it. You will see fabulous panels featuring the brightest and most entertaining minds in Evil. You’ll be treated to exclusive knowledge about upcoming advancements and products. You will be the first to know about many of the new films we’re producing. And on top of all of that, you’ll be in the middle of everything. Things will be happening, and you will be a part of them. We’ve also improved our safety standards, so only a handful of you will encounter any sort of bodily harm. But the bodily harm you experience will be exhilarating, and many on the sidelines will be envious of the scars you carry with you as mementos into the future. People come for the freebies, and the great thing about scars is that you can’t throw them away when you realize later it wasn’t worth carrying them home in the first place. All of your favorite companies will be making appearances, and there will be quite a few surprises in store. The electrified suit that I wore last time has suffered some irreparable damage, so this time I am planning to hide from all of you by wearing costumes. See if you can find me!
I have another note here. It just says “Sex” on it. Shareholders, has it been 3 seconds since you thought about sex? Well, it’s time again, I guess. Think about sex for a minute. Ah, sex. Who doesn’t love sex? There are some people, I admit, and that’s okay, but the rest of us are totally obsessed with it. Think about stuff you want to do. With people you may or may not know. Okay, now focus on the breath instead. Quiet the mind. Let the sex go. Deep breath in. Slow breath out. We are beyond our sexual thoughts. I will admit that this segment was not actually planned. All that happened was I found another piece of paper with the word “Sex” on it. Then I did some improvisation. In truth, I don’t know if these were scraps left over from someone using my paper cutter, or if perhaps they were an invitation from an anonymous admirer. I guess I’ll just set that aside now. We’ve got Evil to do.
I received another visit from a shareholder recommending an idea. You see, a long time ago, we received a similar visit recommending that we start a really Evil news network, but we honestly didn’t see the point. They already exist. Well this time, the shareholder asked us to start a news network that specializes in glorifying horrific acts of violence. We said, that also already exists. They said, “No, not like that. One that really can’t get over horrible, senseless acts of violence. Really digging deeply into the mind of the criminal, trying tease out exactly why they did what horrible senseless things they did.” We said that already exists. This particular shareholder continued, saying “No, not like that at all. A news network that will spend weeks and weeks pouring over every detail of the person’s life, from everyone who wronged them, to everyone who inspired them. Even reading whole passages from whatever manifesto or text that they left behind, just to really get off on how horrible it is.” We told them that such a news network already exists. This shareholder then began to sweat with frustration. “You just don’t understand!” they cried. “This is the sort of news network that will glorify any act of violence while they claim to be disgusted by it. They will tell anyone crazy enough to trade the lives of others for notoriety that such a trade can be made. They will encourage acts of violence. They will make them happen, and will make them worse! They will claim that have an ethical responsibility to share this information, when they’re only flogging their tragedy boner.” It was sad for us to say that, yes, this already exists. The shareholder was speechless with anger. Then, the shareholder calmed down. “Do we at least own that company?” We could only say, “maybe”.
We haven’t talked about Hell much recently, shareholders. There have been some interesting developments. The mining operations have discovered a new alloy occurring naturally in the walls near the Hell camp that could have a number of interesting industrial applications. Research into this alloy will be ongoing. I am also told that there are some people attempting to… for lack of a better word, colonize Hell. The camp we have down there only takes a small part of the total hollowed out space. In addition, there are caves and caverns that branch off from what we carved. Now, I wouldn’t say that there’s much down there. I mean, we were looking for stuff when we began digging and didn’t find anything. But there has been some… accelerated evolution. I did mention the Morlocks. They are always finding ways to mess with our citizens in Hell. But there have also been some bizarre animal sightings. Giant bats and pigs. Strange fungi that seem to spread miles over night. Spiders that are made up of a lot of smaller spiders working together. Clearly, we’ve tapped into something we didn’t realize, and it is somehow affecting the wildlife. People watching the walls of the encampment have even reported seeing animals that we don’t have a name for. Anyway, having what appears to be a brand new wilderness has brought in some interest from… frontier people. They like the idea of killing unique wildlife and trying to carve out an existence down there. I am told that there have been reports of wood-like plants growing off of thermal energy, as well as seemingly edible vegetation. Honestly, if we had known how fertile the land was, we would probably have them farming down there instead of breaking rocks. We didn’t even test it. We just looked at it and went, “nah.” I mean the development of soil itself doesn’t really make sense, but apparently moisture has leaked in from the surface and caused some erosion. I have a written statement from one of the frontier people. He writes, “I’m gonna kill a whole lot of things, and then I’m going to open a coffee chain.” Of course, he didn’t say “coffee chain”, but there’s no free advertisement here. When it comes to douchebaggery, clearly we have something to learn from this gentleman.
I have another slip of paper here on my desk. This time, it is a slightly more emphatic “SEX”, and it’s written in green. Sex, shareholders. I… I’m not sure what the point of this has been. The other side is blank.
They say that what goes up must come down, and what goes down should also come because it’s only fair. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. As you know, Kakos Industries is a broad and spindly organization. We do a whole lot of things that even we aren’t aware of. We do have some divisions dedicated to oversight and organization, but a complete picture eludes even them. So sometimes we have to make some educated guesses. This week we’re taking credit for the texture of flannel, chalk on chalkboards, and pulling cotton balls apart. Of course, we can’t know for certain that we are directly responsible for these things, but if we are not, then we are possibly only one or two degrees of responsibility away. If you happen to disagree, then we’re going to make you tear cotton balls apart. That doesn’t bother you? Then we’ll mess with your brain until it does. It’s awful.
I’m not sure I’m reading this correctly. It appears that a solid black square has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life drawing. Hmmm… And it appears that the solid black square has selected a solid black equilateral triangle as its nemesis. Well, I guess we gotta ruin a triangle’s life. The wheel of misery spun and spun, finally landing on “more obtuse”. Ordinarily, this would mean something different. The person in question would become less sensitive, and dumber. Under the circumstances, we’ll just increase one of the angles. We’re going to go really obtuse. I mean, can you imagine that? This triangle is not going to know what hit it. It’ll be soooo obtuse. I mean, that’s just the worst. For good measure, the solid black square will now be a pentagon. That really stings. Congratulations on the win.
Well, that brings us to the end of the sex, shareholders. Oh sonofabitch. Was that really what this was all about? They were just trying to get me to say sex accidentally? What Division was that? They clearly have too much time on their hands. So… they recommend you destroy the Sex Toys and Sex Toys sex toy through use. I’ll let you decide that one on your own. Anyway, the numbers are next.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who believes the jury is still out on unicorns. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. That's I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @ K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T- R-I-E-S dot com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered changing the lightbulbs in your house to LEDs?