What you are about to hear is exactly what you think it is. Unless you happen to think it’s something it’s not.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am CEO of Kakos Industries. Shareholders, you probably remember that the end of the last broadcast left me in a somewhat compromised position. I apologize for that. There has been entirely too much of that. It is my job as CEO to present a strong image at the helm of the company that you have all so wisely invested in. I mean, you can’t exactly get out of the company or sell whatever shares you might have, so I can do basically whatever I want, but at the same time I want you to have that image of strength to hold on to. In regards to that event, there was some rather important information for me that I was never told. It seems that the Solomonari family has a rare genetic adaptation and/or disease that allows them to secrete a digestive enzyme during sex that brings nutrients from the human body up to the surface where they can be more easily absorbed. Not knowing this, I finally awoke four days after the incident where I had sex with Hailey for the second time. I awoke to her holding my head gently, and singing a lullaby in a language I don’t think I’ve ever heard the cadence of before. When I opened my eyes, she said, “Oh good, you’re up silly. We’ve got to get going.” I will say that I was not entirely aware of the next few hours, but I ended up at the headquarters for the tea party that Melantha invited me to. As a result, I was brought face to face with Mr. Pepperbottom, Mr. CandySprinkles, and Princess Friendlycakes, all men of around my height, but with more impressive… secondary sex characteristics. And no body hair showing above their leather or pleather, or whatever-the-fuck-Melantha-makes pants. When we arrived, the men were holding Melantha as though they were a chair, but as she rose to greet us, the men did also. Melantha was wearing what appeared at first to be a summer dress, but then it had all of the wholesome bits removed. The result was an outfit that I must assume was engineered precisely to say “sex tea party.” Hailey, by comparison, was more conservatively dressed. At first, everything proceeded how I would imagine an ordinary tea party to proceed. We selected from Melantha’s extensive cannister of exotic Dark Mega Teas. Hot water was delivered. My drug and poison testing kit came up negative. It’s not foolproof, but it cuts out most everything. At any rate, I was fairly comfortable the water was fine, so we began to drink tea. Melantha spent a lot of time talking about her recent sex life, I mean, much more than is appropriate even for her. At this stage in the tea party, she was recounting these stories and merely demonstrating the events of the stories on the various men while all of their sexual parts were still covered. It was theatrics. I was… bored to tears, but Hailey never seemed disinterested. I am not sure if she was taking notes or if she was storing this information for a time when she could use it for Melantha’s destruction. In either case, I doubt the end result was going to be good for me. Then, Melantha said, “now that you’re all caught up, we can move on to the good stuff.” At this point, she moved very close to me, and then disrobed. She placed every garment carefully in my lap. Shareholders, I admit in a moment of weakness, I reached out to touch her, and she slapped my hand away. It became very clear what kind of party this was going to be. I watched dispassionately as she walked toward her servant men, with small blue and violet LED lights blinking from below her pale skin. The view was… not intolerable. What happened next… was. I am not unused to watching people in the midst of various sexual acts, but this was hard to stomach. On the one hand, watching Melantha in these moments filled me with enough jealous rage to kill all three men and bed her myself on a pile of their corpses. On the other hand, and I know you may not believe me when I say this, the whole thing seemed oddly… fake. Describing Melantha as fake may either seem obvious because of the way she looks and all of the various modifications she has made, or it may seem desperate on my part, but I am confident that the entire scene was hollow. It felt a lot like watching pornography, and not the particularly good kind. While I was getting deeper into my own head with my analyses, Hailey decided it was time for her to get deeper in the fray. She doesn’t look all that strong, shareholders, but the way she commanded these men was impressive. The next few minutes were horrifying. Whatever Hailey did to me days prior, she clearly held back. The men that Melantha had been having sex with were taken down, one by one, and… consumed. Whatever enzyme that Hailey secretes, it was released on these men in much higher quantities. When she was done with each, all that remained was a desiccated-on-the-inside-damp-on-the-outside corpse. The soundtrack to all of this was Melantha’s shrieking laughter, which either meant she found the moment extraordinarily humorous, or it’s her go-to nervous reaction. After Hailey had finished, she was… radiant. She licked her lips and stared absentmindedly into the sky. Melantha stood for all of this, being deprived of a chair, but eventually she walked over to Hailey and offered her a job. I probably don’t have to tell you, shareholders, but she took the offer and is now doing something for Melantha. I can only hope that Melantha will not splice whatever unique trait the Solomonaris have into her own DNA… you know… for future plans I might have involving her body… and mine. I did not put up much of a fight during all of this because I was still far too weak. My driver, the bringer of Deeth, took me home. When I went to use the unisex bathroom back at work the next day, I was greeted by a group of men and women who wished to invite me into their club. Upon further inquiry, each revealed an “I got Solomonari’d tattoo”. I declined respectfully.
Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a rattle in the wall. Just what is rattling in the wall, we cannot say for sure at this time. We do not even know if it is somehow inside the wall or just on the other side, but for safety’s sake, I would stay where you are until the end of the broadcast. If the rattling changes the tone of my voice in a way you find displeasing, then I am told you may pound on the wall one time. If the changes are not to your liking, then it is recommended that you just kind of deal with it. In addition, if you find that, in the morning, some of your undergarments have disappeared, use some of your yearly Kakos Industries Shareholder Recompense budget we’ve recommended that you allot to yourself to buy some more and not think about it. I would also like to remind those of you listening that these broadcasts are strictly for Kakos Industries Shareholders. If you are not currently a shareholder, then you might hear some pounding from the wall. If you don’t respond with the correct password in Kakos Industries Morose Code, then the correct answer will be pounded into your skull, literally. Those of you who are shareholders and are not up to date on our codes, I apologize. We hope that you are not part of the random screening.
Did you have a good Black Friday, shareholders? I know I did. The level of chaos this year was even better than we could have hoped. The death rate was low, but I think we can all agree that any deaths in the name of consumerism are deaths in the name of Evil. There were injuries, people were maimed, property was destroyed, and lives were changed. And this was from a shopping holiday. An opportunity to spend. To buy. Nothing more. There was nothing at stake except a moderately improved standard of living, until whatever was purchased becomes obsolete. The blinders we placed on ourselves to keep ourselves ignorant of impermanence for a time were narrower than ever before.
Coming up, we have the Festival of Ballooning. Despite what you might think if you’re new to the Kakos Industries festivals, this festival is actually dedicated to hot air ballooning. I always get a lot of complaints about this from people because they don’t think it’s really that Evil. If it’s not Evil, then let me ask you this simple question. Why else would anyone do it? Why else would they inflate a balloon with hot air and then float for hours with no real aim or direction. Why would they fill the sky with such awful, cheerful colors? Why else would they spend time dedicated to this ridiculous hobby? Okay, I know you’re not in the room with me right now, but I can feel you doubting me. You got me. The Festival of Ballooning is actually another one of our competitive events. Last year, the Giant Ass Robots’ Normal Size Normal Hot Air Balloon That’s Not Secretly Hiding A Giant Ass Pair of Scissors narrowly defeated the competitors from Thorgonus. I am told that the gas mixture in the air on Thorgonus is not quite the same as on Earth, so they were at a bit of a disadvantage. Also, the Giant Ass Robots’ Normal Size Normal Hot Air Balloon That’s Not Secretly Hiding A Giant Ass Pair of Scissors was somewhat ironically, or perhaps expectedly, equipped with some Giant Ass Scissors of Maximum Cutting. There seemed to have been some disagreement about the types of weapons that could be used during the competition, ordinarily scimitars, and it didn’t really seem all that useful to us to award the prize to the second place team, seeing as they were already dead from the fall into the spear pit. Anyway, we are announcing some stricter rules regarding dimensions and sharpness of the weapons so that we don’t have another snafu this year. I am told that the team from Throgonus has set up a permanent base here on Earth, and they have been practicing for some time. This should make for an exciting match.
The Division of Reproductive Health has been receiving a lot of feedback after the announcement made last time . It seems that some people are curious if the machine capable of removing a fetus and placing it in a new male host is also capable of doing the same for astral pregnancies. I’m going to go with no. There’s no fucking way. I mean, you’re not even astral pregnant. It just doesn’t exist. There’s no astral plane. What the fuck am I doing even dignifying this with an answer. You guys… seriously. You need to check your shit. I know your imagination is like a really fun place to play, but there’s a real world with real Evil also. Now I feel dirty. I will say, however, that we are currently working on a device that will allow the transfer of hysterical pregnancies.
I have news from The Division of Incredibly Boring Things! It seems that they have developed a new medium titled “Bore-nography”. Yes, it seems that this Bore-nography will do for boring things what pornography has done for sex; that is to say that it will reduce boring things down to their most basic physical motions and words of ongoing consent. I understand that the Division of Incredibly Boring Things has some reservations about releasing the Bore-nography into the public because they are afraid it will give young people the wrong ideas on how to provide one another with maximum boredom. And once they release Bore-nography, it will undoubtedly spread into a billion dollar industry, seeing what a market there is for boredom now. I have to say that I echo the fears of The Division of Incredibly Boring Things on this one, but whether or not we release it, Evil will be done, and we don’t exactly want our competitors to beat us to it. In order to give you guys a taste of what exactly it is that we mean by Bore-nography, I’d like to play for you a sample of what one of our best Bor’n stars has to offer. His name is Count Von Piddlytinger the XIX, and he is going to read from his dissertation on the economic conditions that made Europe a powder keg ready to blow yesterday.
(Volume dips, noise rises, pitch fluctuates)
Technician: Sir, sir, sir.
Manager: What is it this time?
Technician: I may have spilled my beverage onto the console sir.
Manager: You what? This is terrible! Is Denny still operating?
Technician: Yes, sir. As far as I can tell, the worst that can happen is that things might get a little weird for a little while.
Manager: Are you telling me we might lose verisimilitude?
Technician: Well, sir, it’s a possibility, but if things get weird, that will of course include Denny. So Denny might not even notice. Things should normalize…. now.
(Now in British accents)
Manager: Excellent. Then we shall wait and see.
Technician: Yes, I think that would be wisest sir.
Manager: Good. It is best if the upper management doesn’t hear about this either.
Technician: I agree, sir. The less we tell them, the less community service we will have to do.
Manager: I’m not sure I can take much more community service. I barely survived the last round.
Technician: I can’t feel the tip of my ring finger anymore.
Manager: Can we restore the monitors now?
Technician: Restoring monitor applications now, sir.
Manager: Oh, jolly good, jolly good.
Technician: Right, let’s go out for that cup of tea.
Manager: How’s the wife?
Technician: Oh the wife is fantastic. How’s your wife?
Manager: I’m sleeping with your wife.
Technician: Oh, shit, I forgot about that.
(Noise rises, falls)
Did you have a bore-gasm, shareholders? I think you will all agree, that was some excellent Bore-nography. Despite all of the dangers, it would be a shame not to share it with the world.
Kakos University is proud to announce that it has finally admitted its first female students to the School of Game Design. I have to say that it was previously a bit of a boys’ club, so it’s good news for us in the business of Evil that women will now be taking part. I have to tell you, shareholders, about some unfortunate things that have happened, though. It seems that some of the biggest fans of the games coming from our School of Game Design have begun to send threatening emails to the new female students, accusing them of “not getting what the community is about” or “sleeping with the men to get where they are now.” They have also released personal information about each of the female students and threatened to find them where they live, and do any number of unspeakable things to them. What is most appalling is that none of this outrage, this hatred, this bloodlust is directed at any of the male students. I can tell you for certain there are at least a handful of them who definitely don’t get the culture and several others who have definitely slept with staff and faculty to get where they are. I will not rest nor will I be satisfied until these men are to receive the same treatment. Send them death threats. Release their personal information. Threaten their loved ones. Otherwise, I will have no choice other than to believe that this whole event has just been sexist, and that’s…. a boring waste of Evil. The female students look forward to beginning classes as soon as they can overcome the obstacles at the entrance to the school, namely the gamer fence, the gamer moat, the gamer bridge troll, the gamer wall, and finally the gamer gate.
Some of you have noticed that it’s been a while since I last talked about Kara and Billy. Last we spoke, they had just killed each other and we had to bring them back from brain scans from a few days prior. Since then, we haven’t changed anything at all. They have gone on with their relationship in a kind of boring way. Doing couple stuff. Shopping together. Making dinners. Complaining about work. You know. And we’ve been basically waiting for them to kill each other again. I would like to emphasize that we changed nothing about them when we brought them back. We just brought them back, and let it roll. So whatever happened to them in those few days leading up to their murder-murder-suicide-thingy has not happened again, because they haven’t killed each other, and all of us here at Kakos Industries have been completely flabberghasted that a couple could be that close to killing each other, and then just not do it. Both of these individuals were days away from manifesting their darkest, most violent thoughts, and then they just didn’t do it. I’m not sure what might have triggered them in what we could call the other timeline, but it must have been pretty significant. Either that, or we are all much closer to terrible actions than we previously realized. Either way, I think I’ve decided that human leather is not my style, nor anyone else’s. Further, the samples that were produced did not suddenly bring about a powerful Evil entity, nor make the world at-large any darker, no matter how many times we said the magic words. Okay, look, maybe we didn't say every single little tiny syllable, but basically we said the magic words. Anyway, the human leather goods are just kind of icky. The Division of Tanning Booths and Tanning Hides has been disbanded, and the remaining evidence of their efforts has been sent down to Hell, where some people may be forced to touch a human skin baby booty as punishment for tardiness.
Sometimes Evil is like a light whisper in an empty hallway. Sometimes Evil is like a hooded figure just outside your periphery. Sometimes Evil is a black drone against the night sky. In any case, Evil can be extraordinarily difficult to fully understand. This is Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. This week, the things we’re taking credit for are car doors not unlocking when you hold the handle, fracking, and the naming conventions for tropical storms and hurricanes. If you happen to disagree with anything we just took credit for, then… what’s that? It sounded like knocking coming from your wall. You better hurry up and answer.
Oopsie-Doopsie Smythe is the winner of today’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Just as we expected, Oopsie-Doopsie Smythe has selected her parents for giving her such a terrible name. It is not often that we allow multiple targets in the Ruin-A-Life Drawing, but under the circumstances, we decided it was for the best. The Wheel of Misery turned and turned, then it landed at a decision, then it reversed directions due to the rotation of the Earth or something, and finally, it arrived at Scary Vines. From now on, the parents Smythe will be chased by slow-growing vines that will eventually consume every location they spend time at, everything that they spend time with, and finally them. The vines will grow over their entire house, their cars, and their places of work, consuming numerous loved ones and fond acquaintances in the process. For good measure, Oopsie-Doopsie will have trouble growing plants in the future. And also fingernails. Congratulations on the win.
We have now arrived at the end of the broadcast. I am not expecting you to destroy whatever is broadcasting these messages, nor do I believe you could if you tried. Have I offended your masculinity now? Are you going to go see if you can fight it like the big man that you are? Good. That way you’ll be gone and you’ll stop fucking up Evil for us professionals. For the rest of you, it’s best if you just wait for whatever it is to leave of its own accord. It might take a few hours, so just sit back and do what you gotta do until then. I won’t judge you if you need to have a drink or a smoke or whatever. Just, stay inside, and also stay away from your underwear drawer. That would be safest. Here are the numbers:
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who is currently in geosynchronous orbit. Special guest appearance in this episode by Sean Hennesy and Mike Hennesy. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at email@example.com. That's I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @ K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T- R-I-E-S dot com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered adoption? Just a thought.