What you are about to hear cannot be taken seriously. Just try. It’s impossible.
On behalf of Kakos Industries, I would like to welcome you to the second set of corporate announcements hosted by me, Corin Deeth III, CEO. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. I must say that I wasn’t quite certain that I would be continuing this way of doing announcements, but I can’t argue with the numbers. Employee and investor fear are through the roof, but confidence in Kakos is at an all time high.
I would like to remind all of you out there listening that this broadcast is exclusively for Kakos Industries shareholders. If you are a shareholder, then this broadcast is for you. If anyone around you listening is not a shareholder, then their blood is on your hands. Literally. Go ahead and look at your hands. You may choose to smear it on your face at this time, if that sort of thing floats your boat. If you are worried about what to do with the bodies, do not worry. We have called the police and, once they are done locking you up and pressing charges, they will take care of the bodies. Do not be afraid of your new incarcerated state: when the jury inevitably finds you guilty of the murder or murders, we will find a way to deliver your radios to you in prison. We don’t want you to get behind.
That brings me to this edition’s radio. You are listening to this broadcast on an Audiophile Plus Plus Mahogany Tube Radio. It provides the listener with the subtle warmth of tube amplification, using only the finest and rarest New Old Stock vacuum tubes. The sound resonates beautifully and luxuriously from 8 low density cone stereo speakers and two streams of plasma, providing you with the most accurate reproduction of any sound you have ever heard, including my voice right now. The Audiophile Plus Plus Mahogany Tube Radio does not technically have a price tag. Instead, interested parties, who have graduated from the ordinary ranks of sound-snobbery, are contacted mysteriously in the night on a land-line phone they didn’t know they had. They are given a price that they will pay, and a location where they will pay. Doesn’t it feel wonderful to be among the ranks of the exclusive few who have received their Audiophile Plus Plus units? Truly, not many ears are given the elusive privilege of enjoying such sweet audio clarity. Of course, the stately Mahogany Tube radio in front of you will need to be destroyed at the end of the broadcast, as with all radios delivered to you for this purpose. It’s okay to feel aroused.
Last week was the Shareholders Ball, and I must tell you that I had a wonderful time. I am still finding orange chocolate bovine blood from the blood orgy in nooks and crannies of my body I didn’t know I had. Let it never be said that Kakos Industries Shareholders are selfish lovers. Many of you gave it your all, and remained nearly comatose for days in the basement ballroom. Others of you truly gave everything and will be sorely missed. Daniel Samsa, Lois Wren, and Yves Pedois, your bodies will be encased in platinum and kept in the basement ballroom so that we may never forget your sacrifice to the greater bliss of Kakos Industries. In the name of shameless pleasure, we hum. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Now, it seems that not one of the shareholders who died this year had any relatives to pass ownership in this company on to, so their shares will be divided up amongst the rest of you in accordance with how much we like you, or at random. We haven’t decided which, but we’re not going to tell you. I will warn you, however, that anyone with a prime number of shares after this division should contact us immediately. You may be eligible for a fabulous prize. Of sorts.
Coming up this month, we have the annual fire festival. Which of our branches will be burned down so that it might be rebuilt better? It’s down to the Northwest Location or the Koreatown Location. Our employees and shareholders have questioned for years whether or not we have any actual ownership of or involvement with the Koreatown location. It is also unclear to many what is actually done at the Koreatown location if it is in fact part of our operations. From the outside, it looks like a dry cleaner and nothing more. From the inside, it also appears to be a dry cleaner. I can say no more at this time. Whichever location we choose, our shareholders will have the opportunity to gather any evidence or incriminating documents that they have collected over the years and bring it down to the fire. Our scientists have developed a way of making the fire burn hotter than any other fire on record, and I am told that creating a small sun is possible in this instance. This will allow us to relieve ourselves from the burden of guilt-inducing debris and begin afresh. In the event that we choose the Koreatown location, shareholders are encouraged not to drop their children off at the daycare next door that day. And also to pick up their dry cleaning. You know who you are.
Our Valkyrian Division has requested that I make the following announcement on their behalf: “War is glorious. War is just. War is awesome. War is all. The state of nature is war, and society is a farce.” I think they might be pushing the message a little too hard. I will say that Kakos Industries has profited from war for centuries, but Kakos Industries also profits from the illusion of civilization. I’ll have to think of some sort of symbolic punishment for the proud valkyries. Perhaps some sort of community service.
The Division of Propagating Propaganda has developed its brand new “Thank Evil” campaign. How many times have you heard someone say “Thank goodness”? I will admit it is a rare occurrence here at Kakos Industries, but checking the transcription logs of everything that has ever been said inside our walls, it has been spoken aloud before. What’s worse, in several of these cases, no punishment was meted out at all. But what purpose is there in thanking goodness? Has goodness ever taught you an important lesson? Evil has. Has goodness ever helped you to realize what was important in life? Evil has. It is said that in every crisis, there is an opportunity. Thank Evil. You’re welcome.
News from the Adult Entertainment Branch: Progress on the new hole is coming along nicely, but they have encountered some setbacks. In certain people, and I’m quoting here, “Adding the new hole interacts unpredictably with regular spinal function.” I’m not sure exactly what that means, but it sounds... erotic? I am also told that the sex tape using the new hole is in preproduction. As we speak, our top set designers are working on the young starlet’s bedroom to give it that perfect unplanned sex tape feeling. We could have left it alone, but it’s better not to leave things to chance. The director has hinted at part of the video using night vision, but this may be a problem as the new hole glows in the dark already. The writers have been developing a series of phrases for our starlet to use that emphasize her physical pleasure while minimizing the danger of an emotional connection of any sort. The AEB has also informed me that its clients have already produced over one-thousand Adult Videos that are just waiting to hit the market. I have received a number of complaints that we have not developed a new hole for men. It seems that some of our shareholders, and also some of our clients, are a little afraid that Kakos is using outdated ideas of gender and sexuality in our pursuit of exploiting the masses. Well, I didn’t want to ruin the surprise just yet, but you’ve given me no choice. The AEB has begun preliminary testing on men, and the early results look good. It seems that everything is coming up smelling like roses. That is, of course, provided you have used the rose scented lubricant.
We have news from our Division of Lobying. It seems that the politicians we’ve been spending money on lately, which is all of them…. (The sound dips down and we hear noise)
“Sir, we have to restart Denny.”
“But it’s the middle of the broadcast.”
“It’s essential sir. We’ve been getting glitches all day. If anything else goes wrong, we might lose verisimilitude.”
“There’s no other way?”
“No other way, sir.”
“Very well. Begin the restarting process. If things go south…”
“Deeth may have us do community service.”
(ends abruptly, then a few seconds of silence) So keep that in mind because we won’t be mentioning any of it again, and we don’t want you to end up in prison.
The Division of Secret Societies has discovered another dark brotherhood and I must say that we here at Kakos Industries are simply salivating at the prospect of completely devouring it. The DOSS has begun studying the order and has determined that they have many underhanded dealings and may control numerous organizations throughout the world that you have no choice but to use. We at Kakos Industries have begun courting this dark brotherhood, affectionately known as the Brotherhood of the Salmon Flagellations. They will be ours. We have set our mind to it. The Division of Secret Societies has begun to document the entry procedures for this organization. It appears that being born into the organization has some affect on being accepted, as well as a drawn out and painful hazing process. Seeing as how the organization is a secret, it doesn’t take on too many outsiders, but several of the new money tech industry guys have been accepted. A large back tattoo marks the members. We haven’t gotten close enough to see the tattoo, but we’re hoping to get there the next time we go out.
News from Hell. Hell? Yes, Hell. For those of you not familiar, Kakos Industries embarked on a serious exploration of the Earth’s crust and mantle looking for any signs that the biblical Hell might exist. One of the grandest disappointments in the history of Kakos Industries was finding no evidence at all that such a place existed. Not the kind of organization to allow lemons to spoil when lemons are dealt, and seeing as how we had already dug the hole, Kakos industries turned the mine shafts and hollowed out caverns deep below the Earth’s surface into a labor camp. The name of this camp? We call it Hell. Does it live up to its name? Well, you’ll have to cross us to find out, and I certainly wouldn’t recommend that. Here’s a hint, though: Hell yes. The mining operations in Hell have determined that they have indeed found a new mineral compound that can be molded into extremely small pointy objects. These objects are sufficient to register pain, but not large enough to do any actual damage to the human body. We’ve begun preliminary testing by putting handfuls of the stuff in the laborers' shoes. Now if only the mineral could turn misery into gold.
The Division of Energy has informed us that they have developed a new Clean Burning Uranium. Much like Clean Burning Coal, Clean Burning Uranium is similar to ordinary Uranium, but with a much better name. Our studies indicate that the use of Clean Burning Uranium as the name of ordinary Uranium improves the public opinion of using nuclear energy sources. This is great news for our clients in the nuclear industry. Some of the engineers in the nuclear industry have complained that, technically, uranium doesn’t burn. We wish them a speedy recovery as they are in treatment now for their radiation burns. They have been replaced with interns.
Last time, I began a new segment titled Things We’re Taking Credit for Now. Kakos Industries is a large, and sometimes cumbersome, company, and, let’s face it, even our shadowier branches have their own shadow branches. For this reason, it is impossible to know exactly what we’re responsible for at any given time. In order to provide you, the shareholder, with something tangible, something to feel proud of out there, I would like to present you with a list of the evil world wide that we are claiming as our own. Today, Kakos Industries would like to formally take credit for Mania, Mondays, and the song Manic Monday. Remember, if you disagree with anything that we have taken credit for, send us a message by screaming really loudly any complaints while driving a dagger into your own heart. I promise you we will get the message. At Kakos Industries, your ears are our ears, and our ears are bleeding.
I bet you would like to hear more about the budding office romance. The letters have been sent and received, but I am afraid that Billy Wessler and Kara Smith have not yet met in person. I think that they are perhaps a little bit shy, but… I don’t know. What if they don’t like each other? It’s obvious to me that they are perfect for one another, but what if they don’t see it? I just worry sometimes. What if they are always alone, and Kakos Industries doesn’t have this young relationship around to perk all of us up and remind us all that we really can control the thoughts of others? What if I pass them in the hallways here and think about all that they could have been? How do I avoid being overcome with grief? This is truly a difficult situation, but I will push on for all of us. And for evil. Heavy sigh.
The winner of this week’s Ruin a Life competition is Myrtle de las Rosas. The life of her nemesis, Connie Ling, life will be ruined. A spin of the wheel of misery has landed us on Bad Taste. Long time fans of the Ruin a Life competition will know that there are actually two spaces on the wheel of misery dedicated to bad taste. One is an actual bad flavor that never goes away. The other is taste in a more metaphorical sense. This case is the latter, and Connie’s taste, whether it be in fashion, music, or the people she spends her time with, is permanently altered for the worse. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Connie is now a douchebag. We have sent her her first baggy shorts, white tank top, and baseball cap with a flat brim to set her on her way. Also in this anonymous care package are several DVDs of reality television shows, which will be her new favorites. Some of you out there might be thinking that douchebags usually seem pretty happy, and that a change in taste isn’t enough to ruin a life. I should only have to ask you one question in response. Would you like to be a douchebag? I think I’ve made my point. The package will arrive sometime this week, and the nanobots responsible for the personality modification will be flushed from her system shortly. Best of luck to you, Connie Ling. And Myrtle, that pain you’ve been feeling in your chest? Best to get that checked out. Congratulations again.
We have arrived at the end of the broadcast once again. We will shortly begin our numbers list, which I remind you is for internal purposes only. You have nothing to gain from recording them in any way. In fact, trying to decode them may lead to psychological damage, and they don’t mean anything important anyway. They are certainly not instrumental to our more nefarious operations worldwide. Now, it is the time to SMASH THE RADIO. Yes, the Audiophile Plus Plus Mahogany Tube radio must be destroyed at this instant. Destroy every part of it. Crush the beautifully sculpted cabinet. Shatter the tubes. Smash the electronics. And burn whatever’s left. Any shareholder found to be in violation of the agreement requiring you to destroy this unit will be sent directly to Hell.
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones. Special guest appearance in this episode by Sean Hennessy and Mike Hennessy. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There are also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, consider looking at things that make you happy on the Internet. Not too long, though. We wouldn’t want you to sacrifice productivity.