What you are about to hear is the low moaning sound of an ancient interstellar entity letting you in on the secrets of the Universe. Too bad it only speaks Esperanto.
Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries Corporate Shareholder announcements. At Kakos Industries, we help you to Do Evil Better. My name is Corin Deeth III, and I am still CEO of Kakos Industries, last I checked. Truthfully, I would have to die to lose this job, and as far as I can tell I am still alive. That is, of course, unless there is actually an afterlife and it is identical to the first life. That would be disappointing, and, I think you will agree, entirely unsettling. No one is prepared for that kind of afterlife. Thus, I can only assume that I am still alive, and that this is still my job, and I should probably get on with the announcements. As you have probably noticed, we are all still here, and the clean up following the zombie near-apocalypse went pretty smoothly. It was all thanks to our volunteers who went door to door with shotguns in hand to force other people to do the real work. We didn’t find any evidence that the virus could survive outside of a human host, but we went ahead and deloused everyone in the affected areas anyway. It gave us an opportunity to do some of the anatomical research that we’ve had on hold. The results? Everyone’s junk is funny looking. You’re welcome. As for the punishment for the Damnation and Ruination Squad for causing said near-apocalypse, the Wheel of Misery arrived at “Ridiculous Costumes”. That’s right, for the rest of their existence as a part of Kakos Industries, the Damnation and Ruination squad will have to wear bizarre and probably uncomfortable attire. I have on my desk right now some mock ups for the Damnation and Ruination Squad’s new uniforms, which I am told will change often. So far, there appears to be a kind of prostitute-meets-circus clown look and pubic hats. This is quite an embarrassing collection. I cannot wait to see which the Wheel chooses.
This broadcast is coming to you from the Kakos Industries’ Division of Relaxation and Never Ending Fear’s Loving Kindness Meditation video. If you’re hearing these messages, it means that you clicked the link labelled “The Ten Sexiest Babies You Will Ever Want to Eat.” I will not comment on your taste in links, but I am glad that you are able to join us. At any rate, I expect that the audio on this track will do little to relax you, or help you to experience a sensation of lovingkindess. Instead, it will be firm and informative. So there. You are more than welcome to visualize loved ones, or even those with whom you have more complicated and less positive relationships, but we expect that your feelings about these people will have either not changed at all by the end, or changed just a little bit toward the negative. Now, let’s all take a really deep breath together through the nose, and let out a nice loud “HAAAA” sound. Bonus points for making your most evil face on the exhale.
As you probably remember, we recently had the Halloween party, which was extended an extra few days while we took care of the undead. It did eventually wind down, and everyone went home. Fetuses were returned, clothes were replaced, and the basement ballroom was given a good scrubbing. For many, it marked the end of the fun season. For others, it marked the end of a really weird couple days and nothing more.
As you are probably aware, the festival of Anti-Celebration has begun. This is the time of year where we give ourselves permission to think that the holiday season is total fucking bullshit. It’s the time when we might be happy to see our family members, but we recognize what artificial conditions brought those meeting about. It’s the time when we forgive ourselves for not believing that our love for others needs to be expressed in a mountain of wrapped boxes. It is the time of year when we allow ourselves to be alone if that is what is in the cards. It is the time of year when we turn off the television when the only thing that’s on is 24 hours of a movie that wasn’t even good the first time you saw it. It’s a time when we decide we don’t have to do things just because they are traditional, because those traditions fucking suck.
Okay, remember what I was just saying about the festival of Anti-Celebration? Well, let’s pretend I didn’t say any of that for a minute. All of you are of course aware of our dark friday celebrations here at Kakos Industries. They are big every year. We gather, we hum, we bring about evil. Well, coming up we have black friday, which is different, mostly. It’s the time of year when everyone else decides its time to make this the most evil possible universe by trampling, stabbing, shooting, and macing other human beings over the opportunity to buy a television at a slightly cheaper price. Truly, we could not have concocted a more evil shopping holiday ourselves. That being said, we did invent black friday. We just haven’t been able to outdo ourselves since then. It’s pretty great. Sometimes, I’ll just go down to stores to watch the carnage and laugh. And sometimes I buy all of the televisions so no one else can have one, even after they committed a murder for it. People in the retail industry have a keen sense of smell when it comes to Evil, and they usually give me what I want without too much struggle. Kakos Industries, like most companies, makes a lot of money on this particular day, so it’s perfectly okay if you want to stop Anti-Celebrating for a little while to go buy some things for loved ones. Please remember that they will only feel loved if you leave yourself figuratively spread before them, ready to be filled with debt.
(Increase in noise)
A voice: Corin! Oh Corin!
Corin: Shit. Melantha?
Melantha: Yes, it is I, Melantha Murther.
Corin: They know who you are.
Melantha: I know. But the time it took me to say my name is time they will never get back. It’s all about the little evils, Corin. They really add up.
Corin: That’s fine, but these are my shareholders. I’m not interested in wasting their time.
Melantha: Well, I suppose that’s how we’re different then. No evil undone. That’s my motto.
Corin: I’m sure you have some reason for interrupting my broadcast. I’m looking around the room and you don’t seem to be in here this time.
Melantha: No, Corin. I’m sitting comfortably in my own office at headquarters. I’m sitting on a chair made out of these delicious body-builders, Corin. Genetically modified with the finest modifications. They’re holding my weight. All day. Because they want to. Because they love me, Corin. And if I want pleasure, all I have to do is ask.
Corin: That sounds just fine. So… what do you want?
Melantha: Well… I wanted to… invite you to a tea party.
Corin: You mean just the two of us?
Melantha: You, me, Mr. Pepperbottom, Mr. CandySprinkles, and Princess Friendlycakes.
Corin: Are those… are those stuffed toys, Melantha?
Melantha: Of course not! They’re all the men I’m having sex with at present, Corin. I renamed them myself. I want you to see them. I want you to gaze upon the men I choose to handle my sexual desires, witness their awe-inspiring genetic enhancements. I want you to see how far you are from one of them. I want you to become aware of your own inferiority.
Corin: So Princess Friendlycakes is a man?
Melantha: It’s not fair for you to put Princess Friendlycakes into a box, Corin. Princess Friendlycakes can be whatever he or she wants. I mean, whatever I want. And sometimes I’m a little indecisive, okay!
Corin: Okay. I’ll have to think about the offer, Melantha. I mean, as it stands, it doesn’t seem like much fun for me... at all. I mean, the thought of several men doing things to you might do something for me, but I imagine the real thing will be horrible and more uncomfortable than my imagination permits.
Melantha: Oh, but don’t you want to know, Corin? Don’t you want to know what it takes to please me?
Corin: Melantha, I am sure that we have the tools here at Kakos Industries to please you and more, no matter what new hardware you’ve given yourself.
Melantha: Oh, the breasts are new, Corin. Thank you for asking. You’ve never looked upon such majesty. I found a woman with the perfect breasts and I stole her DNA.And then I killed her. I’ve since spliced her DNA with my own and initiated new growth. They are even more amazing than hers were, Corin. They’re so wonderful, I’ve considered having a few more added. Can you imagine me with four perfect breasts, Corin?
Corin: Four perfect breasts, a cybernetic eye, hundreds of subcutaneous wires and tubes. Did I miss anything?
Melantha: You have no idea what this body can do, Corin. I’m like a sexual Swiss Army Knife. I ruin men.
Corin: That sounds just wonderful. I’ll have to let you know about the tea party thing. My schedule’s kind of busy right now. I gotta hang up now, Melantha.
Melantha: This isn’t a phone call, Corin. I’m hijacking your transmission. You can’t hang up.
Corin: I’m hanging up now.
Melantha: You can’t! HAHAHAHAHA.
(A long pause)
Melantha: Corin? Corin? Uggh… You motherfucker.
(The noise goes away)
She fell for it. Shareholders, I am very sorry for that. It seems that when you are a celebrity like myself, you don’t get to have privacy anymore. Everything from your love life, or hate life, or whatever that was, gets broadcast so other people can forget how shitty their lives are for a time. Anyway, we are working on ways to prevent these things from happening. I, um… I have an idea. Soundman Steven, would you ask Tiffany if she can get a hold of Hailey? I’d, uh… I’d like to speak to her about something.
Let’s do some other news, shall we? I-I have great news regarding our fetus transplanting machine from the Division of Reproductive Health. I am told that with the few experiments we ran before the Halloween party, the technology is now fully functional. But you might be asking yourself, Corin, how does that Do Evil Better? Well, it’s simple actually. There is an angry portion of the population that doesn’t believe that women should be able choose when they are or are not pregnant, and a portion of that population is male. People have bemoaned the fact that men don’t really know what they’re talking about in terms of women’s health, and we at Kakos Industries feel that is a serious problem. The technology that we have developed will now allow men particularly vocal against abortion to save the lives or whatever of the unborn by taking on the unwanted pregnancies themselves. The device will safely remove the pre-human, place it inside of a synthetic uterus inside of the new male host, and will then chain the man to a bed until he can take the embryo to term. If he happens to miscarry for any reason, natural or not, a negative stimulus will be applied in the form of a beating, and then a brand new embryo will installed. We recognize that some people might find this kind of treatment cruel, and clearly not what these men intended to have happen when they so vehemently proposed legislation that would restrict a woman’s ability to have a safe, medical procedure. In response to those people, we would like to simply say that all of the men receiving such punishment are sexually active, and, for that reason, they were basically asking for it, right?
Here at Kakos Industries we pride ourselves on being the front runners of basically everything. Today, we remind you that we preside over all things THE INTERNET. That includes the surface web, the deep web, and certain parts of the dark web. Remember when you liked that one thing that one time? Yeah, we saw that coming. We took a poll, and we decided that you enjoy kitten videos... too much. And erotic cakes. No industrial quantity of icing in the eyes can help us unsee what you saw the fuck out of. We deal with the dregs of the internet daily. Because we invented the Internet. I’ll fact check that later, but I’m pretty sure it’s true. And we invented dregs. Go ahead, look up dregs in whichever dictionary you choose. You will find a picture of Nessie deep-throating my grandfather while a Yeti rubs his shoulders, Zeus slaps a jealous high five, and the Pope John Bigfoot II cups the balls. Chupacabra you ask? Goats aren’t all that little bastard sucks. Ask your grandma about it. She was there. With all of this in mind, we do not take cyber attacks lightly. This includes attacks of a direct and forceful nature and also attacks of a fictitious nature. Dear shareholders, our character has been attacked. Your odd little radio... Tainted. Your meta-paper documentation of ownership... Haunted. There have surfaced some creative images and stories about the company and myself personally, that are not wholesome. Truthfully we don’t care much about things being wholesome, but we prefer to be on the leading edge of those things, not finding out about it after the fact. As a result, Kakos Industries must invoke General Shareholder Advancement Proceeding Rule 34: "If you build it, porn will come."
And now it is time for Things We’re Taking Credit for Now now. Now that we’ve got that whole zombie mess behind us, it’s time to take credit for some less earth-shattering things. This week we’re taking credit for animatronic children’s toys, strong water currents, and death by meteorite. Yup. Death by meteorite. Gonna put this one out there, guys, I’m really not sure anyone has been killed by a meteorite in the history of humanity. No, they’re telling me that it has happened. And that we did it. Well, okay then.
Delilah Maliya is the winner of this week’s Ruin-A-Life Drawing. As a result, the life of her nemesis, Hal Hansen, will be ruined. The wheel of misery spun around exactly once and landed on the space for “Twisted Bones.” As a result, the group of strangely dressed employees known as the Damnation and Ruination Squad will see about twisting Hal Hansen’s bones. I don’t know exactly what that will look like yet, but I can imagine, and it is grisly. There is no word yet whether or not Hal will be conscious for this procedure, and there is also no word yet about whether or not he will be functional with the twisted bones. For good measure, Delilah Maliya will notice a slight scoliosis. Congratulations again on the win.
(The door opens and closes)
Corin: Hailey, I’m glad you could make it.
Hailey: I didn’t have anything better to do, Corin. They ran out of things for me to do in the bondage dungeon.
Corin: Right. I’m... uh… sorry about that.
Hailey: Oh that? I wouldn’t worry about that, Corin. I mean, I was a naughty girl. I almost forgot about it already, anyway.
Corin: Really? I mean, it’s supposed to be pretty challenging. Not everyone survives, and fewer ever emerge.
Hailey: Yeah. It was, like, a lot of fun.
Corin: That’s good, I guess. I have to tell you that the things I heard about your time there… It says here that you moved through the challenges so quickly and prodigiously that they have had to completely redesign the entire thing. It even says that at one point every single employee we have down there was under your control as some sort of submissive.
Hailey: What kind of Solomonari woman would I be if I didn’t have them under my control?
Corin: I guess I haven’t heard about that before.
Hailey: You haven’t had sex with my mother before?
Corin: What? I mean… There’s kind of an age gap, and I try to be professional with my co-workers. You know, outside of the festivals.
Hailey: Aw, Corin, you totally should if you get the chance. I haven’t, because, you know, taboo, but I’ve heard good things. Anyway, sex is kind of our thing. I had to do weirder stuff while I was training back in high school.
Corin: I see. Well, that is somewhat good news for me. Anyway, Hailey, there’s an event that I’ve been invited to. I mean, I could take basically any of the female employees to the event, or maybe five or six of them under the circumstances, but I feel like the event might require someone with your talent set.
Hailey: O-M-E, are you asking me on a date, Corin?
Corin: Um, yeah, I guess so.
Hailey: Oh, Corin! I’m so relieved! I thought you were totally mad at me, seeing as how I only slept with you to advance my career... and also because you seemed so sad and lonely. I’d love to go.
Corin: Excellent. It’s a tea party with the CEO of .
Hailey: Oh I’ve always wanted to meet her! I’m so excited now. I’m like… really excited, Corin.
Hailey: Yeah. I think I want you now, Corin.
Corin: Are you sure?
Corin: I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, Hailey.
Hailey: We’ve already had sex, though, silly. I have absolutely nothing to gain this time.
Corin: I guess that is true.
Hailey: I’m offering you consequence free sex, Dummy. Also, I need to feed.
Corin: What was that last part?
Hailey: I’m taking off all of my clothes.
Corin: Oh, dear. Grandfather, if you’re watching me now from whatever the Future Predictovision Unit is, then I ask you to please forgive me for what you're about to see.
Hailey: Check this out, Corin. It’s almost like I’m more than naked.
Corin: What… what is that…
(Noise floor raises)
Corin: Whoa… Should it burn?
Hailey: Just a little.
Another voice: Automatic Number System Engaging in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,
Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk, who is also the voice of Corin Deeth. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by Hanna Jones, who has a really cool scar. Special guest appearance in this episode by Hanna Jones, and also Rebecca Ryan. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. That's I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @ K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T- R-I-E-S dot com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.
If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered dowsing for water?