episodes

13 – Off Day

In which things just feel different, Taco Tuesday is recapped, the Festival of the Dance is announced, Helen Methaney’s body is found outside of the Hell Mining Camp, the Division of Adult Diversion is dismantled and replaced with the Sexual Innovation Division, the Division of Intrinsic Evil has exciting news, the Division of Secret Societies makes some meager progress, and Dolores Flores wins the Ruin-A-Life Drawing. Do Evil Better.

Transcript:

What you are about to hear is like something from a dream; try to hold it too tightly and the details will slip through your fingers.

Hello, and welcome to the Kakos Industries shareholder announcements. My name is Corin Deeth III, and, as always, I will be sharing with you news from inside of Kakos Industries. Isn’t it good to hear from me? I sometimes find little notes that I’ve written to myself later when I’ve forgotten that I’ve written them, and I usually entertain myself pretty well, so I can only imagine what it must be like for you out there who get to hear from me twice monthly. I cannot even imagine such auditory bliss. I am wearing headphones at the moment and I can hear myself, but it’s really not the same when I know what I’m going to say. I mean, I could try to surprise myself. Peanut Butter Sloth Moons. Nope. Not quite the same. It seems that this will have to remain a pleasure for all of you to enjoy without me.

Today’s broadcast is coming to you from a Kakos Industries greeting card with a prerecorded message inside. The outside of the card, as you can plainly see, reads “Heard your shit’s all fucked.” Inside the card reads “#Sorry”. And now the message that has been prerecorded is playing back, and you’re hearing my voice. I would recommend that you not close the card, because the recording will be deleted, and you will fall hopelessly behind. If you have received this card in error, then I apologize for the papercut you just got from the edge of the card. It contains a deadly pathogen that will slowly eat away at your body, reducing you to useless ethanol. I suppose you could sit in a punch bowl for a little while if you think whoever finds you might like to make some jungle juice. That would be awfully kind of you.

Shareholders, I have to tell you that something just does not feel right today. I don’t know what it is. I just don’t feel like myself right now, I guess. The chair I’m sitting in feels different, the studio around me has a slightly unfamiliar tint to it, and it’s not just because it’s brand new. I received a memo from the Division of Nebulousity and they say that they have perhaps done something wrong and that I, and all of the employees here at the main branch should keep an eye out for anything strange. Anything at all. As it is right now, I have set up my desk and the microphone so that I can look out of the studio window so that I can do that most ancient of practices known as looking for omens. So far… I don’t know. There’s some sort of small animal running around out there. I’m not a zoologist, okay?

Last week was Taco Tuesday, the festival of my own creation. I have to say that it had a bit of a rough start, but after a couple of days of Taco Tuesday, everyone started to get the hang of it. We had to hold an emergency meeting in the Culinary Division to invent some new Kakos Tacos flavors because we were all getting really bored with the standard Pjork, Chacken, and Shiah La Beef offerings. Though the Shiah La Beef option is merely designed to taste LIKE human, the cells that make up the Shiah La Beef are actually fed real human cells. In addition to those flavors, we developed Vengatarian, Actual Seal, and Hurts Like Veal. I have to say that I found the event very satisfying, and no one was ballsy enough to tell me that they disliked the festival. I say this because I tend to trust the opinions of people who are relatively ball-shaped. At the end of the week, I ordered a whole bunch of train cars to be put into the basement ballroom on a small circular track for sex purposes. Taco Tuesday indeed.

The next festival we have starts at the end of this broadcast and goes until the next time you hear me doing these announcements. It’s called the Festival of the Dance and you motherfuckers have to dance everywhere you go from now until then. Technically, all Kakos Industries personnel are also required to dance, or at least keep a slight beat in one limb of their bodies. I’m preparing for some highly animated finger tapping, and perhaps an evil jig or two. Just before my next broadcast, we will have a dance off, where those of you who think you’re talented out there can come and test your moves against other talented dancers. There will be all kinds of interesting music with different rhythms and time signatures. I will warn you that those of you who score in the 25th percentile or less of the thousands who participate in the competition will be handed over to the Division of Thrill Ride Testing. Also, the person who comes in fourth. But the person who gets fourth also gets a trophy, so there’s that. I recommend stretching now, but please be certain not to accidentally close the card while doing so. And watch out for paper cuts.

Shareholders, I’m looking out the window still, and I have to say that I am not seeing anything out here that makes any sense. Nothing that portends, nothing that presages, nothing that foreshadows. I may have to relinquish my title as Head Augur in Charge.

I have news from Hell and the Division of Labor. Progress has been coming along nicely on the pyramids. After complaining about not receiving the ice cream social that they had been promised, the overseers have given the helots half of an ice cream social, meaning that they got ice cream cones and mud. Really, I was hoping for something more creative, but ice cream cones and mud is what happened. It’s really hot down there, so I’m not surprised that no one is thinking clearly. I have heard news that one of the escaped prisoners, a woman by the name of Helen Methaney, has been found at least. She is not alive, unfortunately, but she did manage to kill a number of those pesky Morlocks while she was down there. I have asked for her remains to be sent to the Division of Mummification and Bronzing to be preserved for eternity as she was when we found her: in several pieces strewn about the floor. She has done us a great service. Also, the upper level daycare, often known as the first circle of hell, has finally been completed. Seeing as how there isn’t any room for water dipping rituals in hell, and that water is at such a premium down there, most of the babies and toddlers running around in the first circle of hell are unbaptized. We don’t care much about baptism here at Kakos Industries (I mean, if it makes you feel better, knock yourself out), but that seemed noteworthy all the same. The caretakers of the children are people who don’t quite deserve the whole Hell treatment, and for the time being, we’re calling them noble pagans. It seems fitting.

After their mistake of epic proportions last week, one requiring the construction of a brand new recording studio for myself, I decided to close down the Division of Adult Diversion. I know we will all shed a tear for the division, and perhaps for some of the employees there who were found to be particularly useless with their goddamn penis fingers. Anyway, I am proud to announce the beginning of the Sexual Innovation Division, which will take over where the Division of Adult Diversion left off. I asked the Sexual Innovation Division what they had in the works and it seems that they are hard at work creating a new gel that enhances female arousal. Personally, I think that is wonderful news. I asked how the gel works. They tell me that it has something to do with making women feel safe from both violence and judgment. The gel singlehandedly peels back the many layers of emotional trauma that one can’t help but build up as a woman in this society. I told them that all of that sounds wonderful, but how does it really work? I mean, an arousal gel can’t possibly make all of the men around a woman into decent human beings all at once. They tell me that the gel may make the woman using it physically larger and stronger than the average man. Well, I guess that’s one way to do it. From what they have told me so far, even tests on cloned vaginal tissues have shown promise. The very fibers of the sexual organ seem to intuitively understand their new enhanced stature and frequently ask cloned penile tissue in the next refrigeration unit “how much ya bench”. I look forward to hearing about the trials.

Shareholders, I just watched another small animal run across my field of view. It went from the xeriscape section of the Kakos Industries main branch lot to the neighboring rain forest section. And now I’m looking at one of our Kakos Industries Ultra Koalas sitting and eating something. I really do not know how to interpret this information. Yet something still feels off. I just got an email from the head of the Division of Nebulosity. It just reads “keep looking”.

The Division of Intrinsic Evil has exciting news for us. It seems that they have finally genetically modified a cashmere goat to start growing synthetic fibers instead of hair. This is good news, because they have been working on the project for a really long time, and it’s really time for them to get on with something else. Certainly this is evil for evil’s sake, but come on guys, my grandfather died waiting for you to come out with this damn thing. Now shear the motherfucker. It gets cold in here.

The Division of Secret Societies has been progressing with the Sisterhood of the Travelling Sports Bra. Evidently, the current holder of the Sports Bra is the leader of the organization, and she is responsible for setting policy and controlling the business interests of the group. She is also responsible for wearing the sports bra for her entire time as the leader of the organization. And then when her time is up, she must mail it on to the next person. Currently, Gayle Kaminski, one of our employees at the Division of Secret Societies, is set to rule the organization and facilitate our total domination of it in the year 2024. That is a bit of a wait, I admit, but we’re not so sure we can expedite the process. We’re definitely looking into it, though. That’s the thing about those randomly representational republics, it’s so hard to actually get the power when you want it.

You may have heard recently that there was a rather large explosion at the Lawson and Crick chemical factory in Texas. It seems there were a number of volatile chemicals there that should never have even been left in the same room at the same time, and, well, they got mixed, and then there was the big explosion that I just told you about. At any rate, I would just like to say that that was totally our fault. For real. We told them the chemicals would be fine, and then we loaded them into the building ourselves. In addition to that, one of our chemical sabotage ninjas was smoking a cigarette the whole time. It was really a case of some flagrant hubris, and we are truly sorry that so many people had to suffer, and I certainly apologize to the Lawson and Crick chemical facility for tarnishing their otherwise spotless name, and also to the town of Christ Hole, Texas for taking away all employment opportunities not offered by a big box store. If you need industrial chemicals, you should look no further than Lawson and Crick Chemicals, that is, once they get the factory up and running again. If you’re confused, this has been Things We’re Taking Responsibility for Now. Sorry.

Alright, you guys, I just watched a deer or something take a shit. I’m at a complete loss. Whatever the cosmos has planned for us, I’m not seeing it. I’m just not. Sorry. Let me check my email again. Okay, it looks like there’s something here about looking around, not just at things. I think I’m going to have to destroy this division of the company. There’s grass around the deer. And now shit. That’s it.

They say that even a broken clock is right twice a day. At Kakos Industries, we believe this depends on how broken the clock is. This is things we’re taking credit for now. This week we are taking credit for Andy Warhol, Olympic Gymnastics, and That Ass. You know the one. If you happen to disagree with anything we’ve taken credit for today, then.. oh, look, another papercut. That one looks serious. Somebody’s gonna be a puddle of ethanol soon.

Dolores Flores has won this week’s Ruin-A-Life drawing, and for that reason we will ruin the life of the person she chose when she entered the contest. That person is Cameron Duffy. A spin of the wheel of misery gives us “Really Sticky” as Cameron’s new state of being. We recently partnered with a popular manufacturer of all kinds of tapes and adhesives, so now we have the task of taking those adhesive chemicals, turning them into genetic information somehow, and shooting them into Cameron’s body with a gene gun. Once the gene is in his system and it begins to replicate, Cameron will start to notice that his clothes fit a bit more snugly than before, and really cling to his body. He will find undressing, and generally putting things down, to be difficult, and everything he touches will have a residue left behind that no one really wants on anything they own or use. The stickiness will get worse until one day when Cameron is finally permanently affixed to something, and then it is only a matter of time before someone forgets to feed him. For good measure, Dolores Flores will be 10% slipperier. Be careful, Dolores. Congratulations on the win.

And that brings us to the end of the broadcast. You know, I really haven’t seen anything out here that makes me think that anything is actually wrong. Certainly everything feels a little bit off, but I am just not picking up on any omens of any kind. Everything just feels weird. Okay, now it looks like our Division of Unidentified Fly Objects has just wrangled in a weather balloon that looks like the Mothership that George Clinton was always talking about. They had better get it to the garage in Chocolate City fast. Seeing the DUFO out this early is certainly not normal, but not really out of the ordinary in any real way. I just got another email from the Division of Nebulosity. They are thanking everyone in the building for their participation, and they say they got all of the information that they need. I do not know what the information is for, but I do not believe they will have the chance to use it for anything before finding themselves testing the first segment of an unfinished rollercoaster. They are saying that everything should be back to normal in ten-ish seconds, or after the numbers, or never again, whichever comes first.

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Kakos Industries is written and produced by Conrad Miszuk. The music is also composed by Conrad Miszuk. In this episode, the voice of Corin Deeth was provided by Adam MIszuk.The introduction is read by Kim Aiello, and the credits are read by the long-suffering Hanna Jones, who is currently moisturizing. Check out KakosIndustries.com for more episodes. There’s also transcriptions if you’d rather read the Kakos Industries announcements. That’s K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T-R-I-E-S dot com. Questions, comments, or a strong desire to collaborate? Drop us a line at inquiries@kakosindustries.com. That’s I-N-Q-U-I-R-I-E-S @ K-A-K-O-S-I-N-D-U-S-T- R-I-E-S dot com. If you like Kakos Industries, be sure to rate and review us on iTunes and Stitcher, and like us on Facebook.

If you’re feeling down after this broadcast, have you considered buying a boat?

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